Look, I shave every two days. I know you were losing sleep over that issue but now you can rest. WOOOOO!!!! Friday and Saturday I shave both days. Why? Those are usually the biggest gigs of the week, and after years of looking like a homeless cop I want to look cooler than a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce. Also I am in my 30’s baby. My window for getting girls in the WB demographic (18-24) is closing like a GM factory. I have to look smooth bubbas mcgubbas. I thought it was on Saturday. Shaved clean as a whistle. Rocking a vintage Motely Crue “Too FAst For Love” shirt. Designer jeans. Fresh two week old haircut ( that’s when they really kick ass). Fedora on head that made me look like De Niro in “Meanstreets.” I was ready to go out and catch it …….or so I thought. Under my lip I found two intruders to the hunt for skirt. That’s right COLD SORES. Anti-wooooooo!!!! Bubbas anti-woooooo!!!!! No bueno, carnal.

I think of cold sores as karma’s scarlett letter for being a tramp. You might be able to rock the stage. But those little fellas under the lip will keep you from scoring like they were the ‘85′ Bears defense. Your charm might say to the girl “Let’s go !!!” But the sores scream “Hell no!!!!”

The whole night sabotaged before it even starts. GAME OVER!!!! But so it goes. Karma exists. The other foot always drops. It needs to. Live is no fun if it’s just touchdowns, ice cream, and puppy dogs. You need to fumble the ball at the end zone to realize how tough it is to score a touchdown. You need to be forced by your grandfather to eat 15 brussel sprouts when you are 5 (which I was. I’m still not over it) to fully fall in love with the pure sugary joy that is ice cream. And every once in awhile you need a puppy to die to fully appreciate their innocent charm when they are alive. Karma is fair. If there is a see there most definetly will be a saw. So what if I had no chance of hooking up? It reminds how lucky I am to be able to hook up the weekend before and how lucky I was to write about hooking up the weekend before and entertain y’all. Is that awsome? I’ll answer. You damn right it is WOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Saturday I enjoyed my gigs more than usual. Because I couldn’t worry about man-whoring. I worried about the craft. YES!! That’s what I needed to remember. And all it took to remember was a couple of nasty herps on the lip. That’s all it took to balance me out brutha. I wasn’t supposse to hook up that night. But I was supossed to have a fun night entertaining snow scared people in New York. I must accept that. And I do bubbas. I’ll go beyond that. I accept it and embrace it. That was a dope night and I’m proud of it. They’ll be skirt some other night. And if there isn’t? Well it was a hellava ride. That’s the buzz!!!!!!! That’s the gott damn life babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOWOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I have to go put make up on so I can try and catch some friendly fire in Brooklyn tonight. Snippitty snappity!!…!!

Tags: bubbas, Dog in the Park, Dog in the Park with, hooking up with maddog mattern, Maddog Mattern, maddog mattern's blog, Maddog Mattern's dating, maddog's blog, maddogmattern.com, The Comedy Point, woooo, WTBQ

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