If my week back home in Vegas had a baseball card this would be it’s stats. Here we go team BAMMMM!!!!!!!!

Guys dressed like Cedric the Entertainer at BoyZ 2 Men concert: (sadly only 1)

Penis hungry cougars ………accompanied by their daughters at same concert: way more than one bubbas. Way more woooooooowooooooowooooooo!!!!!

Nights I drank: every single one baby!!!!!

Amount of Vodka drank: enough to kill an umpa loompa

Hangovers: 1 ( thank god for a chaser of water, Alleve, and Vitamin water. A great trio)

Times my grandfather called me by the wrong relatives name: Surprisingly zero. (way to go pops)

Times pops almost got us killed drivingback from the airport: two in thirty seconds. OUCHIE-Cakes!!!

The way I tried to get him to let me drive without killing his confidence: “Wow, I haven’t driven in a while. I miss it.
It was fun. Wow It sure would be nice to drive again.

Times that worked (scaringly) None

Money I lost playing poker on Christmas eve: $20

Money I was given to play poker on said night: $20 (That’s right I was comped by the house cuz’ I’m a high-roller son)

Times I said the c word after losing that comped money playing poker: Only 5 (there were women present)

Cookies I ate: approxiametely 100 in three days (had to make up for lost time baby)

Times I pooped each day after consuming so many cookies: 4!!!( and that’s with an ounce of Pepto in my belly. UGGHHHHH!!!!!)

Stories my mom told me that envolved reality shows and those kookie Kardashins: I swear every damn one. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Times I shrugged when Mom talked to me about Bruce Jenner taking viagra on Kardashins show: Let’s just say alot.

Percentage of people who look like they were on meth or in the cast of the movie “Boys Don’t Cry” : 85.

Percentage of girls that looked like they were on baby number 3, and husband number 2 and birthday 21: way over 50 bubbas. ( Yes this is my home town)

Number of butt cheeks the one black guy in the bar sat on while my red-neck friends screamed along to David Allen Cole songs: One ( can’t say I blamed him. Them hillbillies were scary)

Times I got laid: 0 ( ow well can’t win them all)

Times masterbated: Twice

Location of were I punched the penguin: the shower ( owed to my grandparents to not shoot anymore glue on their carpet. I did too much damage in high school……and college………and a couple years after college. Man I’m a horrible dude!!!!!!)

Marriages my 18 year old cousin is on: 2 ( Elizabeth Taylor might have competition)

Family members who have been to the clink (prison): enough to make my grandparents house on x’mas eve look like a cast reunion for “Oz.”

Times I smiled because I was having the time of my life hanging with family and friends: I lost count after a thousand. I had a blast. It was truly a delight and I hope to see everyone again next year. This was the life. This was the buzz wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BONUS
Times I ripped off Bill Simmons in this blog: I think once but It’s too late to start over. Sorry dude woopsie doopsie and a bottle of boopsie!!!

Written by Maddog Mattern!!!

Tags: Cast of Oz, Dog in the Park, Dog in The Park with Maddog Mattern, Mad Dog Mattern, Maddog Goes home to Vegas, Maddog Mattern's Family, The Comedy Point, The strip, Trip to Vegas, Without Fear in Vegas

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 29th, 2009 at 11:06 pm and is filed under Dog in the Park. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.