If my week back home in Vegas had a baseball card this would be it’s stats. Here we go team BAMMMM!!!!!!!!
Guys dressed like Cedric the Entertainer at BoyZ 2 Men concert: (sadly only 1)
Penis hungry cougars ………accompanied by their daughters at same concert: way more than one bubbas. Way more woooooooowooooooowooooooo!!!!!
Nights I drank: every single one baby!!!!!
Amount of Vodka drank: enough to kill an umpa loompa
Hangovers: 1 ( thank god for a chaser of water, Alleve, and Vitamin water. A great trio)
Times my grandfather called me by the wrong relatives name: Surprisingly zero. (way to go pops)
Times pops almost got us killed drivingback from the airport: two in thirty seconds. OUCHIE-Cakes!!!
The way I tried to get him to let me drive without killing his confidence: “Wow, I haven’t driven in a while. I miss it.
It was fun. Wow It sure would be nice to drive again.
Times that worked (scaringly) None
Money I lost playing poker on Christmas eve: $20
Money I was given to play poker on said night: $20 (That’s right I was comped by the house cuz’ I’m a high-roller son)
Times I said the c word after losing that comped money playing poker: Only 5 (there were women present)
Cookies I ate: approxiametely 100 in three days (had to make up for lost time baby)
Times I pooped each day after consuming so many cookies: 4!!!( and that’s with an ounce of Pepto in my belly. UGGHHHHH!!!!!)
Stories my mom told me that envolved reality shows and those kookie Kardashins: I swear every damn one. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Times I shrugged when Mom talked to me about Bruce Jenner taking viagra on Kardashins show: Let’s just say alot.
Percentage of people who look like they were on meth or in the cast of the movie “Boys Don’t Cry” : 85.
Percentage of girls that looked like they were on baby number 3, and husband number 2 and birthday 21: way over 50 bubbas. ( Yes this is my home town)
Number of butt cheeks the one black guy in the bar sat on while my red-neck friends screamed along to David Allen Cole songs: One ( can’t say I blamed him. Them hillbillies were scary)
Times I got laid: 0 ( ow well can’t win them all)
Times masterbated: Twice
Location of were I punched the penguin: the shower ( owed to my grandparents to not shoot anymore glue on their carpet. I did too much damage in high school……and college………and a couple years after college. Man I’m a horrible dude!!!!!!)
Marriages my 18 year old cousin is on: 2 ( Elizabeth Taylor might have competition)
Family members who have been to the clink (prison): enough to make my grandparents house on x’mas eve look like a cast reunion for “Oz.”
Is this Maddog's Family??
Times I smiled because I was having the time of my life hanging with family and friends: I lost count after a thousand. I had a blast. It was truly a delight and I hope to see everyone again next year. This was the life. This was the buzz wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BONUS
Times I ripped off Bill Simmons in this blog: I think once but It’s too late to start over. Sorry dude woopsie doopsie and a bottle of boopsie!!!
Written by Maddog Mattern!!!
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MD…. take me with you next year son…… have you heard