If it Keeps on Curling, the Levees Gonna Break

Dog In The Park By Maddog Mattern!!!

Damn it bubbas I love America but I am in love with the Russian women curlers. They are smokin’. The hottest blond supermodels I’ve ever seen on ice. And the token black haired ones look like part time espionage agents. Hotter than fish grease babies!!!! Denmark has a bunch of angels too. And there women are known freaks. I was with a girl from Denmark once who told me a story about banging a dude at a metal festival once and he was the worst lay she ever had. She was 14. I asked her if she meant looking back on it he was the most ineffective lover she had. No. Up to that POINT he was the worst she had. Let’s reiterate. She WAS 14. They get started early in Denmark. Great Danes indeed.

I love curling. Particularly the women. I want to marry a female curler. particularly the Swiss girl who looks like a goth. Not only does she shoot well, she looks like she forces her nieces and nephews to listen to “Bella Legosi is Dead,” over and over when babysitting. Rock it to me and sock it to me babies!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooooooo!!! She can push a forty pound rock while humming Joy Division songs. YeSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! I love European curlers.

The U.S. girls look like unemployed school librarians and lunch ladies. ( There’s one fox she probably got cut from the figure skating team). I was actually rooting against my country based on hotness. (Ow yeah pal, I is shallow). I don’t want to hear Hot European broads a bunch of broads in Fargonese screaming at a rock. Naw, I need saucy Europeans in hot pants screaming in tongues at a stone. All while a drunken Canuck announcer tries to convince me that I am witnessing science. This is the best event in the winter Olympics. Why? Because it is nonsense. Just like the rest of the games. It doesn’t pretend to be serious like the rest of the sports. It isn’t some ridiculous old time Neanderthal tomfoolery like the Bi-athlon. It isn’t the supposed x-world future of snow boarding. And it isn’t pretentious pageantry that is figure skating.

Curling is for beer drinkers with a day job. No caviar. Even for the Russian super models. Give them a Stella and a shot of goose and watch them knock Sidney Crosby (Canadian hockey player)’s teeth out of his goal-scoring head. These are real people playing a game they actually love. People are making fun of them but it doesn’t bother them. Why? Because love is blindness. You are blind to everything but what you love. They don’t see all the dummies making fun of curling. And using “” when describing them as athletes. These cats are too busy representing their country and game they love. And slowly converting us savages who where drawn to it because we saw a hot chick on the channel we were flipping through. I think the sport is honest and doesn’t take it’s self serious. And it’s full of my future ex-wives. Long live curling and long live passion. God bless you babies. Push that stone babies live the dream wooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Maddog Mattern appears on his segment “Dog in The Park” segment on The Comedy Point with SOUL Joel radio show Tuesdays at 7pm.
Listen on WTBQ 99.1 FM in Orange County
WMBS CBS Radio 590 AM in Uniontown PA
or online at www.TheComedyPoint.com