I Thought That Guy Was Dead

I Thought That Guy Was Dead
By Branballs

I was enjoying a lovely Sunday drive a few weeks ago until I came upon the sight of 5 turkey-sized vultures mercilessly chewing up the carcass of a dead creature. A pretty grisly sight; these birds were tearing up this deceased thing like D.C. sports teams have been doing to my heart for the past 2 decades. Those evil birds. It made me wonder: what ever happened to 80s pop star Richard Marx?
Look, I didn’t wish any harm on the guy but who’s heard from him in 20 years? It didn’t seem like that much of a stretch to imagine him eroding on the side of a road in suburban Maryland. I mean, it’s not like I wished the guy were dead. He never did anything to anyone…well, except maybe for unleashing an arsenal of songs with such strong sexual undertones that they practically held down your ears and raped them when you heard them on the radio. Funny how some musicians just fade away into obscurity after a number of years. Like Ashanti….or that crazy whore Willa Ford. “I WANNA BE BAD!” No you don’t, you idiot. You wanna be relevant.
Fast-forward a few weeks later and not only do I find out that Mr. Marx is still walking this planet: I get an e-mail that excitedly states he’s coming to my place of work (a TV news station) for an in-depth interview and performance. The moment I opened the e-mail and read its contents I laughed so hard that one of my balls nearly jumped through my throat and launched out of my mouth like I was a cheap Nerf gun (that launched testicles). For a second, I even thought he might be clairvoyant and was so insulted that he was coming to my job to whip my monkey ass. What are the odds that some random singer pops into my head and then, a short time later, actually shows up in real life? The funny thing is, now that this happened I find myself remembering how much I liked some of his songs. I even left a 10-minute rendition of “Right Here Waiting” on my friend’s voicemail the other day. But these blast from the past reappearances aren’t just happening with borderline gay popstars, it’s happening with every day people too.

Remember that weird chick that gave you the creepy Valentine with the hand-drawn picture of a bride and groom on it back in elementary school? You know, you were one of the few kids that were actually nice to her while everyone else made fun of her for dressing strangely and eating her boogers. Well, she probably just Facebooked you. Here’s the kicker though: after you see the friend request, recognize the name, get grossed out and come close to pressing ignore, you look at the picture….and holy shit…she’s really really hot now. Not only that, but you also start to remember how sweet she actually was despite her propensity to reach down into her pants and scratch her butt-crack with her bare hand. It kind of makes you wonder why you were so hasty to judge her now on how she was so long ago.
Maybe there’s a lesson here. Don’t be surprised if people somehow reappear in your life. Sure, it might seem unwelcoming and random at first, but once you get past those feelings you might find something there; whether it’s corny songs you forgot about or a kid you might’ve thought would grow up to be a serial killer. You actually might enjoy the cameo. Or maybe there isn’t a lesson and I’m just an extremely disturbed, Richard-Marx loving retard. HOLD ON TO THE NIIIIIIIIIGHT. Yeah. Definitely just retarded.