New Advice Column: Beauty And The Beasts

Beauty and The Beasts will be a weekly advice column, where our fans and listeners email at thecomedypoint@gmail.com to have their relationship questions answered. Here’s the twist: Not only will your question be answered by 1, but 3 experts. 1 Female (The Beauty) and 2 Males (The Beasts)!

Beauty: Kendra Cunningham

Beasts: Gaetano Barbuto and Rocco Tomasetto
Dear Beauty and The Beasts:

I am in my 40s and have never lost anyone close to me. Unfortunately, my darling mother-in-law has terminal cancer. I am now preoccupied that people’s spirits are near us after they die.

Please don’t laugh, but it gives me the creeps. I don’t want to think my mother-in-law will watch me making love with my husband, that my father will watch me in the bathroom, or that my mother will be critical of my spending more time with my kids than cleaning the house as she did.

Am I crazy to think I might not have any privacy after my loved ones die?

- Spooked in Spokane

Response from The Beasts:

Dear Spooked in Spokane,

You certainly aren’t crazy to think the possibility of being surrounded by spirits exists. The universe is full of mysteries we cannot begin to fathom and anyone who tells you that you are wrong for wondering if this sort of thing is possible is the crazy one.

What does make you crazy though is that you seem to think all of your loved ones turn into complete perverts once they pass on. Lets take for instance your father who you seem to think will watch you while you are in the bathroom. Unless your father was some sort of pervert who enjoyed watching his daughter defecate in life, why the heck would you suspect that now that would be his first move? I have news for you sweet heart, people barely give a crap about you when they are alive and have no choice, when they are dead and have the universe at their finger tips, do you really think they are going to care if you vacuumed your stain covered rug recently? You are a vapid, self centered, fool, and these characteristics lead you to incredibly crazy ideas about how people spend eternity, so yes you are totally flipping crazy.

Response from The Beauty

Seriously? This is what you are afraid of? Take all your ghost fueled fear and convert it into embarrassment. That is the emotion you should be experiencing right now. Thinking about ghosts watching you have sex and go the bathroom? No ghost is gonna watch you go the bathroom. And why is that scary anyway? What the hell do you do when you go the bathroom? If a ghost wants to watch people have sex I am convinced they will choose a highly sexually person to spy on.

A person who is not afraid of much in life, the ghost is definitely not gonna choose to watch you “ make love to your
husband”. Nobody wants to watch that. People want to watch people screw the crap out of each other. That is a scenario to spy on. Not some sappy “date night” “love making session” where the lady is looking over her shoulder thinking about ghosts. No highly sexual ladies think about ghosts when they are arms length away from a naked man. This whole ghost thing is a way to distract you from the real problem- You’re not focused in
the bedroom. That’s all you need really. A good roll in the hay. Good sex should knock some sense back into ya.