Beauty and The Beast: Answering Fan Mail

Dear Kendra,

I’m a fan of the Comedy Point and love your new advice column.

Unfortunately I need some serious advice myself.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 10 months. We hooked up about a month after she broke up with her ex and he was send to Iraq (He’s in the marines). The thing is that we all have the same friends and I’ve heard that her ex is due to come back from Iraq soon, at least for a while.

The problem is that I am the exact opposite of someone who can go fight a war in the desert.

I’m not tough, macho or intimidating. I don’t get pushed around in life and can stick up for myself if need be, but I’m not a tough guy like her ex is.

In a nutshell: I’m intimidated by him.

I have a great relationship with my girlfriend but I’m still afraid that I’ll look like a wuss in comparison to him in her eyes.

The other thing is that we started dating only about a month after they broke up and they had been together for almost 3 years.

In fact she waited for him and they were together during his first tour in Iraq.

There is a part of me who’s afraid of losing her to him.

What do I do?

I’ll see him among mutual friends, how do I approach him?

Do I talk to her about my fears?

I feel like if I react the wrong way to this situation then I’ll end up looking like a real loser.

Please help.

Sincerely,

G

G, first off thanks for the email.   Since you only addressed this email to Kendra, I’m going to go first on this.  It looks like you have some insecurities in your relationship, even though you claim you and your girlfriend have a great relationship.  You have only been together 10 short months and met a month after her break up with a guy she was seeing for 3 years.  I hate to state the obvious, but it appears as though you may have been the rebound in this case.

You shouldn’t have to worry how to act around anyone person, although it probably is pretty intimidating being around an American Hero returning from war, especially when it is an ex of your girlfriend.  Running in the same inner circle of friends, bumping into him at a party sound inevitable.  There is no question you have to speak to her about this or at least bring the subject up of him returning.  If things were meant to work out between you and your girlfriend, once the excitement of him returning and a welcome home party are behind you, things will hopefully return to normal.  But since she was with him for so long, it’s only human nature that some feelings may surface within your girlfriend the first time she is around her.

Talking to her and being as open and honest is probably the best thing to do.  She may break your heart, but at least you will know where you stand once the conversation is brought up.  I don’t even know if I really helped you, man.  Good luck!  This is a tough one.

Everybody is insecure in relationships. Whether its apprehension about how to behave now that your part of  a couple, trying to figure out  a way to get both people’s needs met with  a healthy balance, or fear of abandonment. The list goes on. It sounds like your intimidated by your girlfriend’s extensive history with her ex, an active military man. Who wouldn’t be intimated by someone who makes a conscious decision to fight wars?

Talk to a friend or family member who can remind you of all the reasons why you are better than this guy. Maybe he has an anger management problem? Can’t handle his alcohol? Disproportionately big head? There has got to be something.  If you really don’t want to reveal the fact that you’re human to anybody, sit down and make a list of all the great things about you. Feel free to embellish. If you know  a girl who has  crush on you, spend some time with her and lead her on a little. It’ll make you feel desirable. Some guys go to strip clubs to get that rush of having hot girls want them and pay attention to them. If that’s what you need, do it. Don’t tell your girlfriend. Its kinda pathetic.

If worse comes to worse get sick so you can avoid seeing him and get a lot of  attention at the same time, if you have to see him make sure you look good , keep conversations to   a minimum, have something cool to say about yourself. If you can join a band, do that. The coolest excuse to leave his coming home party?  Band practice.

In regards to talking to your girlfriend about feeling insecure about his impending arrival, I have never been a “let’s talk about our feelings” type of girl. It’s emasculating. There are plenty of ways to find out about your girlfriend’s feelings without going for the jugular. Something as simple as “ is it gonna be weird to see Marine Man?”.  You can always read her journal or check her email. There are options.

The best way to gauge how she is feeling about you, be affection; see what her reaction is. Initiate sex as much as possible in the weeks before he arrives. Not just sex, good sex.  Hopefully you know the difference.

The bottom line is if she is gonna go back to him, there is not much you can do to stop the hands of fate. Reassess your relationship. Take the upper hand and remember she has insecurities too. Play on them. Sometimes you have to play dirty offense , even if you’re not at war.

Thanks for listening
Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com