Beauty and The Beast: Fan Mail from Harley Rider
Each Week Kendra Cunningham and John Powers will answer our fans on The Comedy Point. This week’s email is below from, “Harley Rider.” Thanks for writing in. If you want a question answered, emailed the show at thecomedypoint@gmail.com
I saw your blog on The Comedy Point and thought I would get your opinion on something I’ve been thinking about for weeks now.My current girlfriend is ok in bed but not as aggressive as I would like. Is it ok for me to ask her to be more aggressive? I’m afraid she will snap and go crazy on me. Should I explain what I want?
Should I hold back and just give her little bits at a time to see how she will react? Is it ok to coach her? Thanks, Harley Rider
Get rid of her and call me. Or tell me her name and I’ll have someone get rid of her for you. I’m kidding. Sorta. The good news is, you have some chemistry because you’re still having sex. I can’t tell you how many people I know in relationships that tell me they don’t have sex. Ever.
Sex is Number One on my “Reasons to Get into a Relationship” list. Sometimes I think it might be the only reason but that sounds shallow so I say “ SOMETIMES I think it might be the only reason”. Here’s the thing, nobody wants to know they’re not rocking your world in bed, no matter how nicely you say it. So I say, just start going for it.
Whatever it is. What is it anyway? I’m operating under the assumption you mean you want your sex life to be more “ passionate, romantic, sexy, lascivious, hot, impetuous, fierce, intense” those types of things. But maybe you mean “ combative, argumentative, sadistic, rapacious”. Maybe your thinking of a bedroom bushwhacking?
If your idea of aggressive sex is choking and things of a violent nature that’s a different story. That’s a fetish. There are clubs and group and outings planned for that type of stuff. That’s something you should discuss in the beginning of a relationship. Odds are if you bring it up now, she’s out. I know if I was dating someone for a while and they suddenly wanted to hold a knife to my throat while they penetrated me, my time investment in the relationship would not be a factor in my decision to leave- AT ALL. I’m not into freaky shit. Sex is one of those things that doesn’t need a lot of accoutrements ( one of my all time favorite words) to make it good. It already is good. It’s better than good. It’s the best. I’m getting myself all jazzed up here.
Bottom line, just try to amp things up a little at first. A conversation about sex is something that has to happen authentically. If you can bring it up in conversation naturally, do it, but I would not suggest a sit down. Sit downs always end up being more of a guarded litigation than a candid exchange. Plus if you brazenly lay your cards on the table, you might find out she has some bed room gripes of her own. Could you handle that, hornmaster flash?
Thanks for listening!
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
Http://www.kendracunningham.com
http://www.blondelogicblog.com
The Beast: John Powers
Harley Rider,
That’s a tough one, man. It really depends on several factors. Firstly, how long have you been together? Second, is it something you really need in order to be happy? You’ve got to consider the magnitude of the risk vs. reward. Sometimes a person’s bedroom demeanor is something they take very seriously. They might be embarrassed to be too overbearing, or it’s possible they just don’t know any better… Eddie Vedder. (sorry, anytime I utter the phrase ‘any better’, it makes me think of Pearl Jam)
It’s a matter of taste, and everyone has different buds. I’ve been with women who were freaks in the sack, but you wouldn’t think it by looking at them… but I’ve also dated chicks who I thought would be wild and they were dead fishes. It’s not an easy subject to approach. You could gradually make things more aggressive and see how she responds to it, but asking her directly, “hey, would you mind putting in some of the work here?” might be offensive. “Look at this rap video, learn to shake your hips, and call me in two weeks.”
Perhaps a bit of suggestive coaxing is in order. Watch a sexually provocative movie and see how she responds to it. Wait for her to make a move, and respond playfully, but aggressively. Then let her make another move. A bit of cat and mouse, if she will. It’s subtle, but it could work. Foreplay is my favorite sport… and it would be freakin’ hilarious to have Colin Cosell doing my commentary…
If you are in love with this chick, and you think she wants you to be happy, then she should be concerned with your satisfaction. She may be alright in bed, but if you want her to do certain things (and certain ways), it makes no difference unless she wants to do them. You mention she might go crazy on you. That might not be a bad thing. If she has crazy potential, then she’s probably just waiting to let that energy out… you just have to make her comfortable doing it.
Bottom line is everyone is different. What you like might be out of her realm of performance. There is an art to sexual expression, and she might be colorblind to the palette of colours you possess.
If you’re totally satisfied with this chick in every other way, then bring it up (with words or actions). Find out if she’s willing to give it a shot. If she is… great! If not, decide if you need an aggressive woman to be satisfied. Sometimes it’s worth dealing with substandard bedroom activity if the dinner conversation makes you feel warm and fuzzy.
- John Powers
http://johnjpowers.blogspot.com
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OK so I did both…. a little talking and a little action. More like show and tell. As it turns out she was afraid to let go with me because she wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t scare me away. Things worked out well…. now to find some cheap drugs to help the old boy keep up… not
Harley Rider