Fan Mail Question of Week
From a female emailer: How long do I have to wait?
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
This question always cracks me up “ How long should I wait before having sex?” I feel like I’m always the one waiting “ How longs the WAIT ? Let’s get the show on the road here” .
The difference is I don’t date unless forced to. The last three guys I got involved with were friends that I developed crushes on then went in for the kill. So I didn’t have to go through the preliminary getting to know each other awkward dates. “Let’s make plans to get together and reveal more about ourselves again next week. Sharing information about myself wasn’t so painful with you. I think I’d like to do it again although I do suspect at some point soon I’ll start to question your motives, demeanor, and general importance. How about Thursday?”
I’m not suggesting you start hooking up with friends. Transitioning from “cool friend I’m having sex with” to “girlfriend” is a bitchy demanding road. From what I hear transitioning into girlfriend mode is like that in most cases. These guys need to be told what to do. Boyfriend trainer, order giver, relationship facilitator ….have never been titles I aspire for.
Hypothetically, if I was one of these people who did things the normal way, went out on dates with several people in search of the one I love, I would wait until I felt like I had a good idea who he was, at least four different outings together. Not four dinners. Go to a dinner, then go to a concert, then go play some sort of competitive game, and maybe a party? You want to see him in different social situations. Assuming, of course, your waiting to have sex because you want him to be your boyfriend.
A few things about making all these sex rules, one, there is no guarantee he will stick around if you make him wait. Some guys ( and girls) are just dogs. Period. They’ll wait to hit it and then lose interest. Two, people usually feel different about each other after sex. Some people can’t bear to feel vulnerable or close or quite simply, can’t bear to feel anything at all. They will bail. And three, what if the sex is shit? I mean I don’t think anybody likes crappy sex. You can wait all you want, it’s not gonna make any difference if the two of you are fumbling your way through 350 seconds of an uncoordinated union that will be seared into your memory bank for a lot longer than you waited. That’s tough to overcome. Although I hear it’s been done.
In short, it’s a case by case decision. In the long run, who really gives a shit? We’re all just people trying to connect with other people. If you make a mistake and bonk someone who you don’t particularly care for or treats you like garbage, move on. The quest for loving relationships have been going on since the stone ages. There’s no way around it. No matter how long you wait.
Thanks for listening!
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Beast: John Powers
Ah, the age-old question of when to get intimate…
The answer, my friends, is mutable.
There are times when intimacy is inevitable.
Something between you lights a spark, and if you don’t jump on the moment you will regret it forever. The chemistry is filling the beaker with a strange vapor of love-juice and if you don’t drink it you’ll be missing out on the experience of a lifetime. That instant connection doesn’t come often, but when it does… there’s no point in resisting it. When sparks fly, put on your goggles and keep burning the torch. Physical love is fleeting, and you must enjoy it while you can. If someone you are attracted to gives you the sign, snuggle up close and don’t let go.
There are also times when it’s wise to wait.
As exciting as a spontaneous sexual relationship can be, it often leaves someone feeling used, or not quite satisfied. If your plan is long-term and you want mutual respect, then respect yourself and the person you are courting. Take your time and enjoy the little things. A goodnight kiss can feel just as good as an all-night extravaganza if there’s something special between you. “If you want to know if he loves you so… it’s in his kiss.” Foreplay is often overlooked, but never a bad idea.
So, I guess you want me to put a number on it, eh?
Alright. Five dates. There, I said it. If you want to be involved with a long-term relationship based on mutual respect and compatibility… make them wait. If you give it up too soon (talking to the guys as well as the girls) there is nothing left to the imagination. It’s better to let the suspense build a bit, and enjoy building a relationship out of a friendship with honesty and trust. If your partner really likes you, they’ll wait 5 dates. Feel free to tease, but be careful how much. You cannot stop a firecracker once the fuse has been lit. Let things ferment for a while and enjoy time spent together flirting heavily.
…then when the time is right, go to town!
John Powers
http://www.johnjpowers.com
http://johnjpowers.blogspot.com
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Such an individual decision, dependent on circumstances…but you both were quite candid… For me…well, I’m not as candid! LOL…thanks for your input! Merry Christmas..