Beauty and The Beast: Betrayed Barkeep?

dear john and kendra,

i’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we met because we always hung out with the same big group of friends since we were little. neighborhood kids. i work as a bartender all weekend and she goes out with that group when i work. this was all good until about 6 months ago. since then shes been acting shaddy as all hell. more and more every week it seems like. first she would say that the group split up for the nite and she went out with only a couple of the other girls but one time i think i almost caught one of the girls she was supposed to be out with in a lie. when I asked her how her night was out with my girlfriend one week at first she didn’t know what I was talking about and then recovered but not good enough. when i asked my girlfriend why that girl didn’t know she said that it was because they were so drunk that nite. now its like she goes out with the same couple of girls every other night which never used to happen. for years. and I also feel like some of my firends are hiding something from me. i have no real proof about that yet. but I just feel it. i dont know why any of them would cover for her because weve all been friends for so long. but im in school too so i dont see my friends too much any more. so i dont know whats really going with them in general. I used to see my girlfriend at least 4 days a week no matter what but for the last month ive seen her 5 times total. she keeps saying shes busy helping her sister with her wedding. im usually not the jealous type but its been shaddy for a while now and my gut is not wrong alot.

You have the patience of a saint. The minute I sense something suspicious I address that s&%t right away. And being of an innately suspicious heritage, I end up addressing situations not necessarily based in reality. The boy I went out with off and on for seven years in my twenties, called me Detective Cunningham. I preferred Special Forces of Verbal Combat.  I ended up catching him in a hot tub with two girls. I had to jump three fences to get to that back yard. The things liquid courage will do for ya! He said they were strippers, I said “you wish!”.  I remember thinking that was the best comeback.

Here’s the thing, nobody likes to feel like they don’t know what is going on in their relationship. When the person you usually feel close to seems like a stranger, it’s isolating and creepy. So whether your girlfriend is cheating on you and becoming more and more cavalier about it or if she is simply emotionally checking out of the relationship, you have to get to the bottom of it for your own peace of mind. Here are your options as I see it:

If you want out

a: Confront her.

Get her alone in a remote location and interrogate her. Don’t let up. Be calm, cool and collected. Address her by name a lot and after asking a question, remain silent. These are all “eliciting confessions” techniques. I did a term paper on false confessions in grad school. It’s amazing what people will confess to under the right circumstances.

If you don’t feel strong enough for Verbal Combat

b: Investigate behind her back

Follow her. Have someone else follow her. Read her texts. Check her emails. The only problem with obtaining physical proof, there is no benefit of the doubt clause. So in the event you still want to be with this girl, despite the emotional chasm she’s put you in, once you have the proof there is no turning back.  Who knows, maybe you  won’t find anything.  Maybe.

If you’re still hopeful

c: Be subtle.

There’s always the chance you guys just need to reconnect. Try to make things better without a sit down. Plan some one on one time together once a week for the next month. See how it goes. If she bails or you bail, you have one more indication the relationship is kaput.  The end of a relationship stinks but it’s better to get it over with. There is nothing worse than staying in the process of a break up. It’s stagnant, stifling, and stunting.

Bottom line, get what you want from the situation.

Everybody deserves to be happy!

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

The Beast: John Powers

John Powers

Rob,

You sound concerned.  That’s a good start.  There seems to be a lot going on here, so my answer, unfortunately, will not be cut and dry.  You’re three years into this relationship.  You need to ask yourself if it is making you happy.  You might want to ask her if it’s making her happy.  Before you ask her point blank, “are you cheating on me?!” starting with a, “hey, are we alright?” might be a better idea.

What you might consider “shady as all hell,” might actually be someone yearning for space or freedom.  Three years is a long time, and there’s a chance that she wants to make sure that she’s making the right decision before settling down with you.  Communication is quite important, and if she’s feeling like she wants to explore, she should express that to you.

Have you been making time for her?  Is there one night a week where it can be just the two of you?  Cook dinner, go out somewhere, watch a movie with some snacks and brews… There must be a way to connect with her in a way that will get her to open up.  I’m not saying butter her up or buy her anything sparkly, just try to talk things out and see if she’s still interested in you.

There’s no way to stop someone from being unfaithful.  If the person you are with doesn’t want to be with you anymore, they should simply break it off.  This is hard to do, especially after being together for such a long time.  (and especially as we get older)  Some people find it easier to find a new someone whilst in a relationship than to be single and do their own thing.  You cannot tell someone not to cheat.  They’re gonna do it if that’s their prerogative.

Your letter to us had a hint of paranoia and/or jealously in it.  Could it be you’re upset that she’s hanging with your friends when you’re not able to?  Maybe you should consider a profession that will allow you to spend more time with friends.  Bartending is good money, but maybe you could be a waiter or something similar and be able to have your nights free.
I’m not saying you should follow her around when she says she’s going out with the girls.  That’s creepy.  If she doesn’t want to be with you, let her do what she wants, but let her know that you would like to spend more time with her and see how she responds.

Trust is the most important thing in any serious relationship.  You say you grew up with her, does she have a history of cheating?  If you have no trust in her loyalty or fidelity, then you may be with the wrong woman.  It takes years to build trust, and only seconds to break it.  Whether she is boinking someone and telling you she’s with friends, or not, the real question is, “can you trust her?”  If the answer is no, you need to know why, or simply move on.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is:
You cannot stop someone from cheating,
you can only give them a good reason not to.