We all have one… That family member that insists on having a mustache don their upper lip, making them look like a total creep. They’re the ones you dread kissing hello for fear that those brillo like lip pubes will scratch your face. A kiss on the cheek feels like a house cat just clawed the shit out of your delicate face while crumbs from their afternoon snack may even jump ship and land on you. The worst mustache to skin encounter for me is with the nicotine stained-stache. When I see it coming towards me my knees start to buckle and my stomach turns. Just knowing that within seconds my precious being will be forced to make some sort of brief encounter with this smelly, bacteria carrying, yellow tip stained cookie duster makes me want to tell them I have mouth herpes and they’re better off just shaking my hand. I’m sorry but I know that I am not the only one that thinks mustaches are horrible and creepy and this week I have decided to explore the different levels of creep effect that different mustaches aka nose neighbors have on people.
First some boring knowledge about the mustache:
The word “mustache” derives from 16th century French moustache, which in turn derived from the Italian mostaccio back in the 14th century,dialectal mustaccio (16th century), from Medieval Latin mustacium (8th century), Medieval Greek moustakion, attested in the 9th century, which ultimately originates as a diminutive of Hellenistic Greek mullon, “lip”.
Do you feel smarter? No? Good, neither do I.
I’m going to start with a person (if you can call him that) that had one of the most distinctive mustaches of all time. Without his stache I don’t think most of us would even be able to pick him out in a line up of similar looking douche bags. I’m talking about Adolf Hitler and his Toothbrush mustache.
Most people don’t know this but it was later revealed, in an essay that was written by a man that served along side Hitler, that he was ordered to trim his mustache so that it would fit in respiratory masks in case of British mustard gas attacks. Instead of simply shaving it off he decided to cut off the ends which resulted in him looking like a complete moron (if you ask me). I would have been worm food within seconds of being in contact with him because I wouldn’t have been able to look at him with a straight face. Some one should have made a citizens arrest for that fashion faux pas. If they had a lot of lives probably could have been spared.
Almost as bad but a tad more creepy are the lip pubes that rest on the upper lip of actor, writer, just plain weird, John Waters.
Mr.Waters has been sporting this Pencil-mustache since the 1970′s (frankly, I think it would have been better if he left it in the ’70′s). Walking around with what looks like Oreo cookie residue on your lip is sloppy and it actually scares me a little bit. When I look at John waters I automatically picture him wearing a long red velvet cape while lurking behind an old tree, in the dark. What I don’t understand is that he is openly gay and in my opinion gay men have the absolute best fashion sense and self grooming techniques. How the hell has he lasted so long in the gay community without some one informing him that he looks so ridiculously creepy with that hideous thing on his face?! I just don’t get it. Make a commitment Mr. Waters, either invest in a razor or get some Rogaine for the upper lip and grown that bad boy in!!
Moving on up the creepy chain is (in my humble opinion) the stache that launched the term “lip pubes”. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Middle-School mustache.
There is no better way to make an innocent young boy look like a total pervert, having him try to grow a mustache during puberty. It’s even worse if you happen to have a uni-brow. I understand that these kids feel that being able to grow some hair on their face makes them look like a man but I’m going to have to totally disagree with that. In fact having a mustache at any age under 75 makes you look like a total creep!
Please Note: I give a creep pass to all senior citizens because they usually have no idea what the fuck is going on anyway. To try and explain why wearing a mustache looks sleazy in today’s world is like trying to explain that being orange looks comical to the cast of The Jersey Shore. Neither group has enough living brain cells to comprehend so why bother.
I spent an entire hour during the holidays trying to explain to my younger male cousins why I bought them all electric razors for Christmas without flat out telling them they look ridiculous with dark cheesy looking fuzz lines under their noses. I was just trying to help but I felt like I was trying to teach Helen Keller how to sing. They just weren’t getting how laughable and creepy they look with these baby soup strainers on their faces.
I have come to the conclusion that puberty stache growing is some sort of perverted male rite of passage that will never change. Total Fail.
We are now at the half point and I would like to shine light on a very serious and disturbing kind of mustache which I like to call the She-stache….
I really have limited words for this except that it is just flat out wrong. The only thing that will ever be smokin’ in this picture is that cigarette and that’s all I have to say about that.
Next to last on the creepy train is some one who actually has more than a mustache, he has a beard connected to it. Now I normally do not categorize beards with staches but this one is special and one of the creepiest I’ve seen in a long time. Spencer Pratt and his flesh toned musteard (I made that up don’t be jealous) combo.
Spencer was creepy before the musteard and he’s even creepier now. Look at that thing! Would you let some one with that on their face baby sit your children? The only way I would let him watch my child would be if him and Amy Winehouse were the last baby sitting options on earth and I really needed to go out. (I mean honestly, I’d rather come home to my child acting a little bit creepy and asking me if they too can grow a flesh toned musteard rather than coming home and finding my kid smoking crack and spitting on the floor while the song Rehab blasts in the background).
I also believe that by growing that thing on his face it has opened the door to extremely odd behavior on his part because he now collects crystals and carries them everywhere he goes. The guy wears ten pounds of assorted crystals around his neck each time he leaves the house. He actually believes they will bring him peace and serenity when the reality is if he’d shave that god awful bush off his face his life would automatically be a whole lot better .
This brings us to the creepiest mustache and mustache wearer in the entire world. You may or may not agree with me (if you don’t agree with me it’s probably because you yourself have a mustache and are a certifiable creep). This man not only has what I like to call the worst mustache one could possibly grow- the Red Headed Step Kid-mustache- but he is also a convicted pedophile which totally validates my whole theory on how having a mustache makes you creepy.
You may know him as the principal from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or you may know him from the tabloids when he was arrested on charges that he hired a 14-year old boy to pose for some not so appropriate photos, including one with a cowboy hat and one as a Native American(the outfit choices aren’t supposed to be funny it’s 100% true and 110% puzzling to me).
The person behind this creeptastical red Lady tickler is the one and only Jeffrey Jones.
I don’t care how rich, famous or amazing you are.There is absolutely no excuse in the world that makes having a red mustache acceptable. It screams pedophile, creep, stalker, skell, perv, herb..you name it, it screams it. You might as well wear a blinking sign around your forehead that says, “Keep me away from your children.” The red mustache is a warning sign for what’s to come if you associate with a person who displays one on themselves.
Bottom line, if you’re a man(or an unfortunate woman) and you’re reading this, slowly bring your hand up to the top of your lip. Now run your finger along it. Is there hair there? If there is, I am about to do you the biggest solid anyone could ever do for you. I am going to inform you that you look totally foolish and you need to rid yourself of that trash stash immediately. You will be doing society a huge favor because there are just too many creeps in the world today and if you could spare just one child from tears when they see you then that’s all that matters.
-This has been an attempt to regain a creep free universe.