Beauty and The Beast: What Should I Do?

Fan Mail Question of The Week

Hey Kendra and John,

I read your blog this week and thought that you might be able to help me with my problem.

I’m a middle aged woman in my 40′s and have 2 children. I’m
currently dating a younger man in his early 30′s. He says he doesn’t
want kids and I don’t want anymore kids, and couldn’t even if I
wanted. I’m afraid one day he will change his mind and want kids, because guys
can have kids later in life.
He’s a great guy and perfect in every way, I want to be with him but afraid of what might happen in the future.
What do you think I should do?

Susan

John Powers

The Beast: John Powers

Susan,

He’s perfect in every way?!  Really?

I don’t believe you.  Nobody is perfect in every way.  Unless you’re dating Gene Wilder (http://johnjpowers.blogspot.com/2010/09/wilder-better.html or some type of flawless Superman impersonator… the dude has flaws.  You just haven’t seen them yet.  I will concede that although nobody is perfect, he may be perfect for you.

Your question is vague and/or paranoid though…
Anything can change at any time.

I used to think I wouldn’t ever want kids.  They’re irritating, smelly, and consume a majority of your time (also, they require an unlimited reserve of capital on hand to satisfy their needs for iPods and toys and diapers).  Alas, as you get older, life changes… you change.  My brother just had his first son, and the little dude is adorable.  It changes your mind, and it changes your perspective… maybe I do want one of those some day.  Not today.
The main issue you’re dealing with seems to be insecurity.  Why are you not happy in the moment?  Does this guy make you feel good?  Is he good with your kids?  Do you enjoy your time together?  Isn’t that enough for you?  That’s all that really matters.

Anything can happen at any time.  One day he wakes up and looks at you differently.
Suddenly your strengths turn into flaws, and he’ll never look at you the same.  There’s an incident at the movie theater one night, and you lose all respect for each other.  Life is uncertain.  Take it as it comes, and enjoy it.  There are married folks who last 50 years, and some that last 5 years.  I’ve been quoted as saying, “love is fleeting,” and I believe that when you find it, you should hold on to it as long as it will last.

You mention your age difference.  We’ve had the subject of age differences in dating before (http://thecomedypoint.com/2010/12/01/age/) and although I wouldn’t suggest a Brady Bunch relationship for you (finding a guy your age who also has two kids of the opposite sex), it is difficult to deal with someone in a different phase of their life than your own.  You’re planning birthday parties and driving to soccer practice… he’s going to Vegas with his buddies for bachelor parties…

My advice to you is this: Relax and enjoy.
The future is uncertain the the end is always near – Jim Morrison.
You don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
Love him two times tonight for me,
and call him “Jp” just once…

; )

- John

John Powers is a 28-year-old, heterosexual, single male. He does Graphics for TV by day, and Standup Comedy by night. He enjoys playing and listening to rock music, and sipping on deep red wine near the beach…

http://www.johnjpowers.com
http://johnjpowers.blogspot.com

Beauty: Kendra Cunningham

Don’t “what if” your way out of the relationship. You can’t control what the future holds. People are dynamic creatures who change everyday, or at least they should. We all have those family members who never change, not even one little bit, they’re still smoking Pall Malls and watching Archie Bunker reruns in their recliner with the busted arm rest. But even they can surprise us. One day Sears is at the door with a new Ty Pennington Drake Leather Recliner and suddenly there is absolutely no smoking allowed  in the TV room.

I wouldn’t break up with someone based on something that MIGHT happen in the future. How would you feel If he sat you down and said ‘ I want to end our relationship because I have a sneaking suspicions five years from now you are gonna start playing the trumpet and you’ll be bad at it but you’ll still want to play in public all the time and you’ll be a big fat embarrassment to me and I won’t be able to handle it so I’m getting out now”  I know it’s a reach but the point is, if he broke up with you based on a hypothetical, you would probably be like “ ok what’s the REAL reason, buddy?”

Take a relationship inventory. When people start wondering ‘ Should I be in this?”  it’s usually because  their needs aren’t being met. How solid is your relationship? If you feel close and honestly consider this guy to be a good friend, you will be able to work through conflicts. People look to relationships for all sorts of things. Maybe you’r not getting what you need or you feel unconnected to him. I don’t know. I read an article about the 7 C’s of relationships: Communication, Commitment, Companionship, Compassion, Compromise, Contribution, Connection written by Dr. Richard Nicastro. Google it. Do a little self reflection and see if the kids issue is really the issue or just a break up crutch.

Keep us posted!

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com