That Cow’s A Liar!

Ridiculous Scenario: You’re on vacation in Myrtle Beach with your family and bored out of your mind. You’re aunt comes over and leaves an envelope on the dining room table with your name on it. Inside is a newspaper article about the local Chik-fil-A and their search for their next giant cow mascot.  What do you do?

If you’re me you get in the car, explain to your five year old that if any one asks we are 100% moving to Myrtle Beach from New York City in a week, with hopes that the people of Chick-fil-A actually allow you to wear the amazing giant cow costume.

It was a five minute drive from my family’s condo to the fast food joint. A mixture of excitement and nerves took over me as I pulled into the parking lot.My brain was going a mile a minute.

How many people were going to be there auditioning for the job?

Were the people running the audition going to actually believe I was moving from NYC to South Carolina?

How come Mexicans are always laughing?

Those were the questions that ran through my head as I got out of the car and headed into the restaurant. As I approached the counter I noticed a long table toward the back of the establishment. There were three women and a gentleman all dressed in business attire with laptops and stacks of papers in front of them. They looked official. I proceeded to tell the girl behind the counter that I was there to apply for the mascot position. She looked at me with a look that I can only explain as severe disappointment and then directed me towards the table in the back where the official people were sitting.

As I made my way up to the table I realized I was the only one there. The official people informed me that I was the first one to audition since they had gotten there two hours prior. I didn’t understand how that was possible? I thought there would have been a line around the block of people hoping to be able to wear a seventy-five pound cow suit in ninety-five degree weather. Apparently people have dignity and standards because there was no such line, only me and my pride.

The people of the panel handed me some paperwork  and asked me to take a seat while filling it out. One of the questions on the application was:

How would you like to get paid your twenty-five dollars per day salary?

A. Cash

B. Food

C. Half Cash and Half Food

I obviously circled choice B

There were a few more ridiculous questions that I answered with lies. The weirder I made myself sound, the better.

After I handed in my papers full of lies I was brought to the back room where I was shown THE GIANT COW SUIT! There was an aura shining on it as it laid there on the floor. I was moments away from fulfilling my dream of getting to wear a Chik-fil-A costume and possibly make something of my life. The restaurant employee picked up the bottom part of the costume and helped me get step in. He then proceeded to put the other parts on me and Velcro it up. It smelled like grated cheese in that thing. I couldn’t breathe for the life of me but kept thinking that it was what had to be done in order to get the job. No pain, no gain! I had this!

After I was all put together I waddled out to the dining area to find that the room was packed with teenagers! There were at least twenty of them waiting for me to come out. How did they know I was there? Was a memo sent out that a thirty year old, lying mother of one, with no college degree was trying to land a job as a giant cow?! It was ridiculous! It didn’t matter though, I had left my pride and dignity in the back room as soon as I put the cow suit on. Nothing was going to stop me from being the best damn cow I could be!

Me and My Offspring

The panel asked me a few questions like:

Do you like children?

Have you ever been a mascot before?

How are we going to remember you from the other applicants?

I answered the last question by doing what any person applying for a job as a giant cow would do…I started to tap dance.

I definitely impressed the panel with my dancing skills and not only did I get to wear an amazingly smelly cow costume, I also got to glorify my pathetic life by fibbing and telling the panel of judges that I currently work as a hot dog in NYC and perform in front of tens of people (I didn’t want to say hundreds and make it sound unbelievable). They seemed so proud and honored to be in my presence. I must have brought a high level of excitement to the room because after my audition was over all the teenagers in the room decided to audition with hopes of landing the job. They had turned into my competition. I had become nervous. I apparently didn’t have anything to worry about because two weeks later I received a phone call informing me that I got the job! I was ecstatic! Unfortunately, after doing the math I came to realize that relocating to South Carolina for a job that would pay me twenty-five dollars a day in food would not be the smartest idea so I forfeited the position and passed it on to the fifteen year olds in line. I was a bit devastated and sad but I have to admit, aside from the day I gave birth to my son, being able to wear that giant cow costume was one of the greatest and proudest moments of my thirty year old life.

I did happen to make the local newspaper!

Click below to read article:

 http://www.thesunnews.com/2010/02/19/1324217/can-you-say-moo.html

That embarrassed my mother because she said everyone would eventually find out I lied just to try and get a job as a cow. She ordered me to call Chik-fil-A and tell them that there was a change of plans and that I would be staying put in New York. That phone call never happened which is a good thing because then I would have never known if I was good enough to be a Chik-fil-A mascot.

I have since regained my dignity and pride and one day hope to be able to get a job here in NYC (or at least a reasonable driving distance) where I can where a costume all day long and get paid in actual currency (as long as it doesn’t smell like grated cheese).