Beauty and The Beast: A weekly relationship advice column with Kendra Cunningham and John Powers
Question of The Week:
Beauty and The Birthday Girl: Kendra Cunningham
He won’t have sex with you? You asked? Nicely? And he freely admits to being satisfied with porn? You’ve got a grade A nutjob on your hands. Seriously. He should know better. He had one obvious option, lie, and he chose not to. Either he is an addict or a sociopath. Or both. Regardless, life is too short to help this guy. Cut your losses and move on. Do you really want to “work through” this bologna? Do you like him that much, even without having sex with him? Your ego is running the “he will bang me again” ship, I’m sure. I used to be like you, letting my ego cloud my judgement, not anymore. My libido runs my relationships now. My interest in a male increases substantially when we’re sexually active. He is fascinating. I want to know MORE about football stats, I can’t WAIT to know what bass player is joining his favorite band, he likes clay animation? I’d be HAPPY to watch. Maybe we can even make our own. But if we’re in a dryspell? He could tell me about a near death experience he escaped moments earlier and I’d be like “Did you eat? I gotta eat.”
I realize it sounds foolish to deliver the ultimatum “Either you start acting sexually attracted to me or we’re through”. Listen, I’ve delivered that message, laced with profanity, at least once in my lifetime. Not my proudest moments. I will say this, if you have to give that ultimatum, it’s usually pretty much over. Who wants to tell that story?
“What happened with you and Benicio?”
“Oh I told him he either had sex with me or we broke up. So, we broke up. He preferred grainy Spanish porn with misspelled subtitles. Who can compete with that?”
Everyone deserves to be happy. Unfortunately, we’re all in charge of making sure we get what we want out of life. Sometimes it means having uncomfortable conversations and making cold hearted decisions. But hey, if you’ve already asked for sex and been denied, well, your threshold for pain is pretty high. Bite the bullet and dump the dude.
Take the TV and computer when you go.
He’ll have to go to the library for voyeuristic sex.
Maybe he’ll get arrested!
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Beast: John Powers
You should attempt to avoid ultimatums. There is always a better way to resolve relationship issues than to force your person into an all-or-nothing decision. If your dude is addicted to porn, it may be that he requires a great deal of stimulation to get aroused. My suggestion… lots of foreplay. Let the suspense build for an hour without getting overly physical. Tease your person and get the blood and juices flowing.
It sounds like there may be other issues. By the age of 21, most men are able to climax several times a day. He may be pleasing himself… because you may not be pleasing him enough. Are all other aspects of your relationship going well? Are you monogamous or just dating? Living together? Sexing daily? There must be a reason that he likes porn so much.
Ask your lover if they can go a week without satisfying themselves. If they are used to daily pleasure, this will create a backup in their main pressure valve… make it worth their while. Find out what type of video they typically watch, and try to turn the fantasy into a reality. Unless they’re into Max Hardcore or Bukkake orgies, chances are you can give him a better POV than any bittorrent he’s ever seen.
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Classic replies from you both. Wouldn’t expect anything less. I agree with you both. Kendra an ultimatum should he issued and John she needs to see if she can ween him off else she can roll out.
Thanks for the kind words, Justin.
Tell all your friends how awesome we are,
and feel free to ask a question of your own!
I agree with John. Only the darkside talks in absolutes.
Daniel – You are absolutel- I mean, totally correct.