Beauty and The Beast: A weekly relationship advice column with Kendra Cunningham and John Powers
Dear John and Kendra
I have been dating someone for 6 months we fight alot and we are always trying to make it work is it too soon for so much effort or is that just the way relationships are?
Kelly
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
New relationships should put you in a dream like state. You should feel good about yourself and your new source of admiration every waking hour you are together. You should cuddle and coo and feed each other just enough to gather up the energy to love wrestle for hours on end. You should laugh and sing and dance. You should be fascinated by the very sound of his voice and flabbergasted by each intelligent observation he makes and tickled pink over every clever witticism he expels. Nothing should bother you enough to question your decision to invest time and energy into the relationship. It should be a no brainer.
For the first 6 months.
Then the other shoe drops. He doesn’t ask enough questions, he interrupts, he makes plans without you, he doesn’t notice your new do. It all comes down at once. But you already have an emotional connection. You have a personal frame of reference of how good it can be. You have memories of him when he was GOOD. What happened? The second six months of a relationship is spent trying to recreate the mysticism of the first six months. You get to the year anniversary and you give up. You accept the fact that you’ll never have that utopia again and you try less. Problems may or may not get addressed. You pick your battles and hope for a victory.
You shouldn’t have any issues until after the 6 month mark and major issues shouldn’t rear their realistic light until around a year.
If you’re fighting and doubting the future of your relationship in the first 6 months, abort mission. Get out. Trust your instincts. Life is too hard to TRY to make something fun and good that should just BE fun and good. That’s like ordering a pizza that ends up tasting like crap but you doctor up one slice after another hoping to make it taste like something completely different. You eat it. You don’t like it. Then you feel like shit.
There are good relationships out there that go down easy.
There’s no reason to eat bad pizza.
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Beast: John Power
Every relationship grows at a different pace.
There are times when you connect with someone so well that things happen very quickly. Two months in you’re seeing each other every day, and sharing a bed practically every night. You are more likely to go through stages quicker this way. Likewise if you take your time and ease into steady dating… chances are the fights will come later.
Disagreements are natural, and usually begin when you find the first imperfection. “Wait a second… I thought she was perfect… suddenly it seems she is flawed.” You don’t want it to be true. The first stage of the relationship everything is going fine. You impress each other and always put your best self out there. The fights usually start when the pretenses drop. You’re looking at the same person in a different way and seeing a side of them that they haven’t yet shown. This is an important stage of the relationship because if you are able to accept this person’s flaws… you’ve got a good shot at being long-term compatible.
For the past few years I have not been looking for “the one.” I’ve been having a good time and that makes it easier to walk away. At the first sign of an altercation… at the early stages of clinginess… if there are any indications of insanity… I would cut it off immediately (… or at least the following morning). If I wanted to put the top down on my convertible, but she didn’t… it was over. If I wanted to listen to Jane’s Addiction and she preferred Puff Daddy… it was over. There was one time that I broke up with a chick for leaving me hanging on a high-five (you should never leave someone hanging…)
So… is six months too soon? Probably. How old are you? How old is your person? How fast did you progress through the fun stage?
It’s bound to happen eventually. Are the arguments constructive and healthy, or condescending and mean-spirited? Your relationship is whatever you make it, and an argument can be an obstacle or a building block. Some arguments lead to a stronger understanding of your person and a closer bond between you. If you’re able to compromise and grow together… arguments are not a problem, no matter how long you’ve been dating.
Unless he’s a real jerk.
If so… call me. (631)555-2079.
Any questions? E-male:
ConstructiveArguments@
- John
@ComicJohnPowers
http://www.johnjpowers.com
http://johnjpowers.blogspot.co
John Powers is a 29-year-old, heterosexual, single male. He does graphics for TV by day and standup comedy by night. He enjoys playing and listening to rock music, driving around with the top down on his convertible, walking aimlessly around Manhattan… and sipping on deep red wine near the beach…
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