A new weekly blog by Matt Cosmai

Hey there, Readerland, welcome to the blog. With the 2012 Presidential Elections on the horizon, speculation about Barack Obama’s opponent is building up faster than a teenage girl running out of R. Kelly’s van (I’ve been pretty unfair to him these last few blogs, haven’t I?). There are a couple of issues on the table this time around, but the grand-daddy of them all is the nation’s economic collapse of the last three years. Yes, grand-daddy. A grand-daddy that is three years old, probably the youngest grand-daddy outside of the Appalachians, but a grand-daddy nonetheless.

Hey, stop making fun of the economy for being a three year old grandfather. Maybe the economy was raised by a single mother in a Trailer park and thus thought starting a family relatively young would give its tumultuous life a wee bit of purpose? Or perhaps, the economy was sexually abused by its mother’s vulgar drunk of a boyfriend, thus spawning a need to gain attention by easily putting out? Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, the 2012 elections.

November 6th, 2012, exactly a year away from the day I’m writing this blog, will be the day where the next President will be elected. Who will it be? Mitt Romney, the Mormon with the weird eyebrows? Herman Cain, whose name it took me seven times to spell correctly? Or will our current President, Barack “Jesus” Obama, retain his spot in the White House? Well, according to the blog’s ultra-reliable White House correspondent who wishes to remain anonymous, Joe Biden, NONE OF THESE CANDIDATES WILL BE PRESIDENT! The reason being that, each of the Presidential hopefuls have decided that they really don’t wanna run the free world that much anymore… so I guess those HOPEFULS aren’t so HOPEFUL after all! Ha ha! You see what I did there? I repeated the word! Get it? GET IT?!

Hey, where are you all going? Don’t leave, COME BACK!

Anyway, it turns out that Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, and Hermen Kane, Hurmain Cane, Hurri-Cane, Herman Kane, HERMAN CAIN (finally got it) have collectively put together a list of possible election match-ups for 2012, so they don’t have to run. I swear, some of these potential ballots will blow your mind! Literally. Just the thought of some of these people running the country is so mind-numbly horrible that it’ll probably cause you to eat a shotgun. But hey, what are ya gonna do?

POTENTIAL 2012 ELECTIONS BALLOTS

MC HAMMER VS. WILLIE NELSON

What happens when you take two musicians who’ve lost millions of dollars and force them to run for president against each other? You get an all-out war, that’s what! In one of the most brutally slanderous elections of all time, MC Hammer will try to conquer “Big Willie”. Can Mr. Nelson “touch this”? We’ll find out in 2012, if it happens.

What an awesome election this would be, between two men living in severe poverty. “The Poor War”, they’d call it. “Battle of The Hundredaires”. The one with the most votes not only gets to lead the free world, but they also get a bowl of soup, a clean change of clothes, and a warm bed to sleep in. (MC Hammer’s been spending the last few years living out of a sleeping bag behind the dumpster at Burger King, so he should really be looking forward to this).

Pujols vs. Slot Machine

Albert Pujols overcame the odds to win the World Series… but can he overcome the odds decided by the honest people of the Las Vegas gaming commission? Yep. This would be a terrible idea. Still, don’t be surprised when the press gets a more captivating interview out of the slot machine than Pujols.

The Rap Industry vs. Adult Illiteracy

WRITER’S NOTE: The following few paragraphs may offend some of my readers who cannot read or write. To any illiterate people reading this blog, I apologize…

In perhaps the most exciting potential match-up on this fake ballot, the entire Hip-Hop &
Rap Industry runs for President against adult illiteracy. You read that rights, folks. If all goes well, DOCTOR Dre will trade in his degree in THUGanomics (earned at the School of Hard Knocks) for a Masters in literature, and soon enough he’ll have even the most backwards and gap-toothed of all the hillbillies comprehending completely legitimate words such as SWAG and BALLIN’. You see, by teaching illiterate people (looking at you, the south) to read, the world will be rid of adult illiteracy, and then the rap industry will become President.

Rapper and by gawd genius Waka Flocka Flame is also trying to wipe out adult illiteracy, with his new anti-illiteracy campaign. Just write a letter to his record label, “1017 Bricksquad”, and he’ll mail you a full pamphlet with the written instructions you’ll need to finally begin ending your lifelong war with reading comprehension and writing skills. Makes sense to me.

Kimbo Slice vs. His Closeted Homosexuality

After a failed stint in the UFC, ‘ol Kimbo had to quit Mixed Martial Arts, so he took his life down a new road… The Hershey Highway. He hasn’t admitted his homosexuality to his fans yet (all 7 of them), but when he does, you can forget about Anderson Silva’s legendary streak… Kimbo’s gonna take his pants off and start a little “streak” of his own!

Chuck Norris vs. The AFC East vs. Travis The Tractor from “Bob the Builder”

If it were just the AFC East vs. Travis, I would say that everyone’s favorite tractor could win in a landslide. After all, his best friend Bob the Builder shares a catchphrase with current President Barack Obama (“Yes We Can”). There’s only one problem though…

Chuck Norris is involved.

Things are about to get ugly.

I predict that Big Chuckie invites the other two Presidential candidates, the AFC East and Travis the Tractor, over to his house the night before the election. Suddenly, Chuck Norris causes everyone in the AFC East to roundhouse kick themselves (Rex Ryan enjoys some foot in his face), while he takes control of the tractor and runs over everyone, making them unable to run for president. Then, he uses his extra fist hidden under his beard to punch the tractor in the face, maiming it. And that’s how Chuck Norris becomes President.

Watch out. Chuck Norris will cut somebody if Chuck Norris gotta cut somebody.

Betty White vs. Barbara Bush: Britches n’ (panty)Hose

This one is all about undergarments.

Chuck Testa vs. My Own Assumptions About Animals

Look at that antelope driving a car!
Nope. Just Chuck Testa.

UH-OH! There’s a bear in my bed.
Nope. Chuck Testa.

Did that Rhino just order a drink?
Chuck Testa.

Justin Bieber vs. Mirror World Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber running for President. She would dominate that election like Rick Ross dominates the Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s. No one of this world is able to beat Bieber…

Except for Bieber herself.

In a bold course of action to create a competent foe for the teen pop star, the good, reliable folks down in Washington, DC have somehow created a hole in the fabric of time (usually created after an episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”), and have plucked Justin Bieber’s other-worldly counterpart from the mirror universe. Needless to say, the heads of the people who saw the two side-by-side were said to explode, yet surprisingly, there was no mess to clean up. Strange.

However, as luck would have it, this impossible scenario, let’s face it, would cost the government so much money that they would need to raise our taxes to upwards of $500 Million a year (co
ngress was planning on doing it next year anyway, but still). Then it was realized that taxes did not need to be raised, because it was discovered that since Mirror World Bieber was the exact opposite of Earth Bieber, THIS Bieber had hit puberty, had an amazing voice, wrote deep and meaningful lyrics, was beloved by fans all over the world except for teenage girls, and had male reproductive organs. You know, everything that Earth Bieber is not. Thus, Earth Bieber will handily defeat Mirror Bieber to become the first female President of the United States. Mirror World Bieber will immediately be sent back to his universe, as well as anyone else with facial hair, just because. (Michael Jordan, Drake, and all the celebs I mentioned in my last blog are said to be shaving as we speak.)

Whelp, that’s it for me, teen idol sensation Matthew Ryan Cosmai. See you guys next week.

What Matt is listening to: “Lean Back” – Fat Joe; “Undercover Funk” – Snoop Dogg and Bootsy Collins; “Stutter” – Maroon 5; “In The House” – G-Unit; The Entire “Blue Slide Park” album by Mac Miller; “Staring At The Sun” – U2