Fan Mail Question of The Week:
John and Kendra,
I read your column every week and finally got the courage to write in. I’ve been seeing my lady for some time now. Things started off like gangbusters, we were all over each other. And as you can probably tell by my email address, I have a pretty sweet pad. So, I’m always sure to set the mood with music and candles, etc! Anyway, things seemed to have simmered down in our sex life. What should I do? I don’t want to count down the days until Christmas, like a little kid, because that might be the next time we are intimate? It seems to only be special occasions now!
Think it might be over or can I bring that spice in my relationship?
I look forward to hearing back from you guys. Let me know when you guys can answer this.
Dan Dan the Ladies Man having a little dry spell are ya? My first question is, have you talked to her about it? Change in sex pattern can be associated with so many different things. Maybe she is feeling fat, boring, and lazy. Or maybe she’s feeling like YOU’RE fat, boring and lazy. She could be mad at you for something you said in passing three weeks ago or she might just not be a very sexual person after all. We all know we try to be what other people want us to be in the beginning stages of relationships but nobody can keep up that people pleasing façade forever. Once the dust settles, true colors come shining through. So yeah, she liked doing it as much as you, but that was when she was developing the bond, the emotional dependence, but now it may not be so important. Who knows.
The only way to find out is to talk about it. One time I had a three week dry spell with my ex boyfriend, I was the one who had to bring it up. We had Mexican food delivered and I could see how the night was going. He was gorging on nachos and Mexican pizzas and sucking down beers. It would be an hour before he was passed out on the couch. So I said something. It ended up he was stressed about work, felt unmotivated, fat and like his life was going nowhere. Here’s the clincher, once he told me all that, he then felt like he could talk freely, whenever he felt like it. So yeah, I found out why I wasn’t getting any action but I opened the door to bear witness to his whiney, not solution oriented rants. And guess what? Then I didn’t feel like doing it with HIM.
Putting my cynicism aside, there are wonderful people in the world who are capable of experiencing a hard time, recognizing it, taking action and coming out of it. Having a frank conversation with your chiquita will only let you get to know her better, and that’s what it’s all about, breaking down the walls to see who you’re really involved with, what they’re capable of, and their ability to love.
Sometimes it takes years.
That’s a lot of dry spells.
Keep us posted!
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Beast: John Powers
What happened in between?
There must have been something that changed. Perhaps you talk about your “sweet pad” too often, and she got tired of the music and candles… Did you get along outside the bedroom? Do you still? There must be more to the story…
It can happen (occasionally) that sex gets dull. You have been with the same person for a long time (3 months or so) and start to crave attention from another lover. Do not distress. If you are (stuck) in a committed relationship (do you know why they call it committed?!) there are still things you can do to make things more interesting, or keep things fresh.
Set a night aside to spoil her. Give her a massage… a manicure… perhaps a facial. Remind her that there are two people in the relationship and it’s important for both of you to be satisfied. Show her that you are willing to put everything aside for her happiness (if just for one night).
Try bringing another lover into the mix. Many people thrive on the swinger lifestyle and rely on the pleasure of others to keep their own stimuli active and evolving. Take your lady to a swanky club and let her hit on someone that you could bring back home with you. You may have so much fun in the process that your sex life could revitalize itself.
Many people like to role-play. Get into character and feel like you’re with someone else (even though you’re not). She might be more attracted to your alter-ego, or the pizza delivery guy. Make it happen. Try adding some toys (legos… pogs…). Sometimes all it takes is a bit of extra stimulation to get your lady’s attention.
It is my duty, however, to inform you that a lack of desire is sometimes an indication of diminishing interest. If she isn’t interested in physical contact with you there is a chance she is no longer attracted to you, or even worse… doesn’t see you as a good fit for her future. Find out if there is still a connection. Do something you both enjoy and gauge her reaction. Go out of your way to be sexy and try all the methods of pleasing her that you know. Hopefully she will respond.
… if none of this works, move on.
Any questions? E-Male:
John Powers is a 29-year-old, heterosexual, single male. He does graphics for TV by day, and standup comedy by night. He enjoys playing and listening to rock music, driving around with the top down on his convertible, walking aimlessly around Manhattan… and sipping on deep red wine near the beach…
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