The Cossy Awards, Part One: Nominations

Cosmai’s Blog The Cossy Awards, Part One: Nominations

by Matt Cosmai

Hey there, Readerland. Although I usually spend the anniversary of John Lennon’s death reading “Catcher in the Rye”, this year I’ve decided to spend the day blogging. Luckily for you folks, it’s that time of year, when I, teen idol sensation Matt Cosmai, get together with my elite team of historians down here at the blog, The Academy of Blogging Arts & Sciences, to hand out awards for excellence in the 2011 year. So, if you’re an abysmal musician, cocaine-ridden psychopath, or an alleged sex offender… you’re in luck! Chances are, you’ve probably been nominated for a COSSY AWARD!

The Cossy Awards will be presented to their respective (but equally rapist-y) winners on December 31st and January 7th, in a special two-part blog extravaganza.

But today, I present the nominees. If anyone is offended by any of the nominations or the categories, you can access this blog’s complaint department by clicking the big red “X” in the top corner of your computer screen.

In the meantime, let’s get started. Here are the nominees for our first award…

The False Finish Award
“I can’t believe he/she lived another year.” It’s how we pay our respects to the dead down here at the blog. Nominees are…

-       Charlie Sheen
-       Betty White
-       Adele
-       Rebecca Black
-       Joe Biden
-       Everyone in “Bon Iver”
-       Rick Ross
-       Tyler, the Creator
-       George Lopez
-       Dick Clark
-       Lindsay Lohan

AC/DC “Big Balls” Award
For the boldest act of the year, showing the greatest amount of testicular fortitude. The nominees…

-       Frank Ocean of OFWGKTA for releasing his critically acclaimed album “Nostalgia, Ultra” for free through his website, and then telling his record label to screw off
-       Bob Costas for making Jerry Sandusky of Penn State look like the biggest kid-diddler in the universe on live television
-       Gilbert Gottfried (comedian/voice of the Aflac Duck) for making jokes about the Japanese Earthquake on twitter WHILE IT WAS HAPPENING.
-       Congressman Anthony, for his Wiener.
-       Rihanna, for showing up at Church wearing a “c*nt” necklace
-       Herman Cain for being a black Republican
-       Charlie Sheen for throwing hotel furniture at anything that moves, as well as doing every drug known to man on an hourly basis (just to pass the time, mkay?)
-       Arnold Schwarzenneger for becoming the Sperminator and getting his mistress pregnant, all while he was married to a Kennedy.
-       Kris Humphries, for, not only marrying Kim Kardashian, but calling her a whore over Twitter more times than I can count after the divorce
-       Michael J. Fox, for making fun of his own disease on the season finale of “Curb Your Enthusiasm”
-       Adam Sandler for “Jack and Jill”
-       President Barack Osama, for catching that meddling Obama bin Laden.
-       Ashton Kutcher, for finally divorcing Demi Moore

The Sweet Chocolate Sugar Coated Candy Man Award
Award goes to the greatest threat to your kids. The nominees are…
-       Jerry Sandusky
-       Casey Anthony
-       Herman Cain and his delicious pizza
-       Kevin Costner. He knows what he did. You might not know, but he knows. He knows.

The Ulysses S. Grant Memorial “Significance in Clown Shoes” Award
Me and my elite team of historians down here at the blog, The Academy of Blogging Arts & Sciences, did some extensive research, and we discovered that every awards show has a petty category that no one pays attention to, or even gives a rat’s hat about, for that matter. So why not us? Here’s a random awards category!
Nominees…
-       “The Notebook”
-       Scooby Doo and the Mystery Gang
-       Wiz Khalifa
-       Teeth
-       The dude in the “Old Spice” commercials
-       “Codes and Keys” – Death Cab for Cutie

The “Father’s Day in Harlem” Award
This award goes to the most confusing decision or event of 2011. (Hence the name “Father’s Day in Harlem”). Here are your nominees…
- Michelle Bachmann, for being anti-gay, yet marrying a dude who’s gayer than Clay Aiken in a dress
- Kris Humphries tries to turn a hoe into a housewife when he marries Kim Kardashian
- The Debt Ceiling crisis
- The MTV VMA Ceremony

And now, for the biggest Cossy Award of them all…

The Aubrey Graham Memorial Estrogen Award for Excellence in Cornballiness
This goes to the person who has displayed the most suspect levels of fluffiness and softness. That’s why it’s named after Drake, the cushiest man in the universe. It’s like this person wakes up every day, slides down a glittery rainbow into a pool of cupcakes and unicorns, and then bathes in that pool while he plays the harp for his cats. Then he cries out of sheer happiness and joy, making sure to put all of his tears inside a small marmalade jar so the cats can all drink from it in case they get thirsty. Oh, and Drake’s “Shot For Me” can be heard faintly in the background throughout this entire ordeal.

OR maybe this person is just a horse’s ass, and they’re acting like a baby because they’re pissed off about something. Either way, this award goes to the biggest softie. Get the point? Here are the nominees…

-       Drake for everything he’s ever done, ever
-       President Barack Obama for not doing anything and letting everybody push him around all the time
-       The NFL for that whole lockout ordeal
-       Joe Paterno for not going to the police
-       The Boston Red Sox for giving Terry Francona his walking papers
-       The Miami Heat for not being able to win the championship
-       LeBron James for crying at the NBA Finals
-       YMCMB for being YMCMB
-       Prince William for showing the whole world that he’s whipped (remember the Royal Wedding, everybody?)
-       The NBA for waiting until Christmas to start the season because of the lockout
-       Tony Homo for being the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys
-       Simon Cowell, who went from being a douche on “American Idol”… to being a douche on “The X Factor”
-       J. Cole, for looking like Eeyore from “Winnie the Pooh”
-       Everyone involved in “Twighlight: Breaking Wind, Fart 1” (the joke had to be made, I don’t care how immature it is)
-       Lil Wayne and his buddy Aubrey for dissing Jay-Z and Kanye West because they were intimidated by “Watch The Throne”
-       Drake for “Take Care”
-       Kim Kardashian, for being able to marry any man on this planet… and picking the benchwarmer for the New Jersey Nets
-       Ashton Kutcher for “quitting twitter” after being attacked for defending the Penn State rape-y dude
-       The NCAA, because there’s a new college sports-related kid-toucher accusation almost every day now, coming from a bunch of different schools/Treating their players terribly
-       Julian Assange of Wikileaks for disclosing important Government secrets, but then being outraged when the Swedish government gets some serious dirt on him
-       Can I nominate Drake again?
-       Rex Ryan for trying to cover for the fact that he can’t win a Superbowl by mouthing off
-       Yeah, I’m nominating Drake again.
-       The “Occupy Wall Street” Protestors
-       The Cops who went HAM on the “Occupy Wall Street” protestors
-       He’s the Madonna of the Hip-Hop industry… here comes Drizzy with another nomination

Well, those are your nominations. Remember to check back here on December 31st, where the first few winners will be revealed, and all of your burning questions shall be answered. Questions such as:

If Adele wins, will she eat her award trophy?

What’s a “Bon Iver”?

Can I contract HIV from a blood transfusion?

… At the Cossy Awards, these questions, and many more, will be answered, and the rest of your pleas shall be heard (bar, “Please let me out of this van! I promise I won’t tell anyone what you did, Mr. Sandusky!”). G’Nite, urrybody.