We all make them and we all break them. Those empty promises you make your pitiful self as the current year winds down to an end and a new year full of endless possibility (that you’ll probably manage to not take advantage of) begins. To me, making a New Years resolution is stupider than believing that Casey Anthony is fit to watch your child. Why wait until the very last day of the year to decide that you’re going to become a better person on the next calendar day? Why convince yourself that starting January 1st you will start to lose weight as you sit there pondering the idea of a healthy body while double fisting Doritos into your mouth on December 31st?
Why aren’t these decisions made during all of the other 364 days of the year? Anyone who makes a New Years resolution is lying to themselves and completely lazy in my eyes.
Take me for example: On June 17, 2011 I decided to be nicer person so that more people would like me. Sure that meant drinking heavily to alter my daily mood but it was a life decision I made to better myself and I didn’t wait until New Years Eve to make it.
On September 22, 2011 I made a pact to start doing laundry every other day so that I didn’t run out of clean underwear, being forced to wear bathing suit bottoms in their place.
November 2, 2011 one out of the two hermit crabs my son keeps as pets passed away. 
Instead of telling him it died and having him cry and be sad I decided to leave it in the cage until the day comes that my son realizes it’s dead. I made a promise to myself to make sure I moved the crab around the tank at least twice a day so that there will be no hysterics because my son realizes it has been sitting in the exact same spot for days. That takes a lot of time and dedication on my part but it is something I am willing to do so that my child stays happy.
December 23, 2011 (my last life resolution of the year) was to stop thinking I am amazing and realize that I too have flaws (minor flaws but flaws). Even though I was nicer to people while wearing clean underwear and having a happy child there were things about me that could always continue to be fixed. Sure I may be the life of the party (because I am always drunk so that I stay nicer to the people that surround me ) and sure I make the best instant oatmeal anyone’s ever tasted but these things aren’t important to everyone. As we grow as people we need to continually work on ourselves so that we can experience all the new things life has to offer, like 4G networks and 3D television.
What I’m trying to say is stop procrastinating and waiting until the very last day to make changes! Love yourself enough to want to improve your life on a daily basis. If you’re sick of mopping the floors at McDonalds ask the manager if you can move up the chain to become operator of the microwave. If your significant other is sick of eating Hot Pockets every night for dinner because you’re too lazy to cook for him/her then order Chinese and if you just don’t love yourself enough to make changes, try setting up a Twitter account with hopes of gaining attention from strangers to make yourself feel more important and hopefully putting you on the right track. Life is short people! If you don’t take chances you will never move forward and if you don’t move forward you will wind up like Adele, singing songs about showing up uninvited and begging past loves not to forget you.
That is NOT the way you want your life to go! Of course she probably has more money in her jeans pocket than I do in my bank account but who wants to go through life whining and singing songs about ex-loves and their new, improved mates?
Man up! Make 2012 your best year yet and if you happen to ever run into my child, please don’t tell him his hermit crab is dead.
Happy New Year BitcheZzzZz!
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I have resolved to get Betty to be my wife!! That MEGA hottie must be mine!!!