The Von’s Top 10 Most Embarrassing Moments

It’s happened to all of us. Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, embarrassing yourself to the highest caliber. We have all been in embarrassing situations where we feel like we will never regain our dignity or self respect. I’m about to revisit some of my most embarrassing mishaps so that I can share them with you and make you happy that you’re not me. Sit back, relax and try not to judge as I reveal to you……

The Von’s Top 10 Most Embarrassing Moments

10. The Tampon in the Church

I must have been about 15 and the only reason I was in church was because of a death or a wedding (I can’t remember).  I was rummaging through my bag out of sheer boredom, hoping to find a Snickers bar or something to distract me for the next 45 minutes.  Then all of a sudden, a glistening ray shined through and caught my eye. It was a Hershey’s Kiss! As I went to move everything off of it my little brother knocked my arm and contents of my bag went flying into the aisle. The entire church turned silent and immediately looked my way. My lipstick, compact and a few other things were laying on the aisle waiting to be picked up. I quickly ran over to start collecting my belongings when all of a sudden the boy I had a huge crush on for almost three years walked over to me with what looked like a giant highlighter in his hand. He passed it to me and smirked as he gently placed it in my hand. What he handed me was no highlighter, it was a super plus tampon. It too had escaped my bag and made it’s way onto the floor and now the boy I was crushing on knew I had a heavy flow and was currently surfing the crimson wave.

9. Hot Guys and Rugs

I was about nineteen and working in a home design store. There had been a guy in his late twenties that had been coming in to buy some stuff for his house and he was definitely good looking. The only thing that was throwing me off was his hair. It looked like a toupee but I wasn’t 100% sure. He seemed a bit young to be wearing a wig. Then one day he walked in on an extremely windy day, came up to the counter and asked me if I had a certain item for his bathroom. As I looked up and my eyes made their way to his head I noticed a space between his hair and scalp with some white glue surrounding the area. It was a rug! I knew it! He had stepped away for moment and I took that moment to break the news to my co-workers. We were so let down. I remember facing the two women I worked it and saying, “I can’t believe Joey wears a toupee! What a shame. He’s so handsome but know that he wears a rug….” It was at that moment my co-workers jaws dropped. I slowly turned around and there was Joey, standing there with a disappointed look on his face. I was mortified but then I thought about it, why should I be embarrassed when he’s the one wearing synthetic hair on his head. Joey never bought anymore stuff for his house. Word on the street was he invested the rest of his money into getting hair plugs.

8. She’s n Alcoholic

I had been dating my boyfriend at the time for a little over a month. We were taking a trip up to visit his sister in Pennsylvania and to spend some quality time with his family. I had only met his family once so this was going to be special. My boyfriend took a ride to the supermarket with his mom and his sister to purchase dinner for the evening when his sis asked him what I drank. His reply,not water, not soda but ” tequila.”  His sister looked at him like she would look at any man that was dating an alcoholic and asked him if I had a drinking problem. He explained that he thought she was asking what I like to drink as in alcoholic beverages if we were planning on going out. Unfortunately I was then labeled “The Alcoholic” and the name has stuck ever since.

7. Are Those Things Real?

I was standing in a parking garage in NYC waiting for a friends car after a night out. Standing a few feet away from me was a woman in her forties with the most spectacular breasts I had ever seen. Now I am not into chicks but when you see a set of boobs as perfect as these with almost no shirt covering them it’s almost like seeing a unicorn in the middle of the woods. I had had a few drinks and was feeling good but not good enough to ask mumble what came out of my mouth. I turned to the boob lady and asked, “Are those things real and can I feel them?” The woman’s jaw opened wide and she looked at me like I was a total creep. I didn’t mean to ask, it just slipped out. Sometimes my thoughts make their way past my tiny filter and escape my mouth before I can stop them. She asked me what what was wrong with me and quickly moved to the other side of the garage. I was the official perv of New York City for that night and I wasn’t proud of it AND I never got to cop a feel.

6. Show n’ Tell

I was seven years old and the only girl on my block growing up. My best friend, we’ll call him Todd, always had me over to play He-Man and other fun things. One day the nineteen year old neighbor was babysitting us at Todd’s house. She was downstairs watching television while we were upstairs in the playroom. I was getting bored of playing all the warrior games we had been playing throughout the afternoon and decided to step it up a notch. I suggested we show each other our privates just so we could see the difference. I knew there was a difference, I just didn’t know exactly what it was. We both stripped down to our birthday suits and stood there staring. It wasn’t anything to write home about so we decided to get dressed but just as we started picking our clothes up from the floor the babysitter started walking towards the door. We scooped up our clothes and ran into the closet and slammed the door shut! My bright idea was to just lay our clothes over us as we sat on the floor. She would never notice. Well she did and she was NOT happy. I was sent home, fully clothed and had to do the walk of shame to my house which was eight houses down. For the next eight years I would get pointed at and spoken about every time I walked past her on her stoop. I was the neighborhood whore and I was NOT happy about that. The babysitter and her family finally moved but then one day years later while I was bowling on a league with my parents I wound up bowling against her and her parents. Of course they had to mention the naked story. Those were the most uncomfortable three games of bowling in my life.

5. The Librarian

I was in fifth grade and had never been kissed. Towards the end of the year I had landed one of the leads in our school play and became quasi popular over night. One of the class cuties began to show interest in me and totally put it out there for me to know. Word around the cafeteria was that he wanted to kiss min the gazebo which stood in the center of the neighborhood park. Being the ugly ducking for so long I decided that ot would be a good move for my popularity status to just kiss him and get it over with. We set a time of 3:45pm in the park, in front of the gazebo. I got there with my two friend at 3:30 and was already nervous. Within ten min crowds of kids were entering the park followed by the boy I was supposed to kiss. I was going nuts. Totally nerve wrecking. He made his way towards me and stopped about 6″ from my face. I was scared. I immediately yelled, “I have to go to the library,” then turned around and ran. The next day I walked into a circus when I got to school. Kids pointing and laughing going, “Hey! Looks it’s the librarian!”  My lame excuse the day before had officially deemed me a stupid nickname which I thought would pass by lunchtime. not only didn’t it pass by the time we had lunch, nine months later at my birthday party I received a gift, with a card attached, addressed to: The Librarian. The name stuck for about nine years and for those nine years I never walked into a library.

4. Hey There, Duck Lips

When I was twenty-one my friends coaxed me into going to get collagen injections in my lips. All four of us packed into my car and drove into Queens, NY to a little hair salon buried at the end of a run down side street. Totally legit! When we entered the salon a little Mexican woman led us down into the basement where the lip plumping would take place. We were excited. The owner came out a few minutes later and the collagen injections began. You dont immediately see results when getting collagen so I kept telling the lady to keep plumping. She went as far as she felt comfortable going and after we were all done we left and drove back home. That night I had a date with a guy I had been talking to for a few months and I was pretty excited. A few hours later I went on my date to a very nice restaurant near my house. We sat and talked, had a few glasses of wine and also ate some shrimp cocktail. As I put the third shrimp to my mouth I suddenly felt a burning sensation on my lips. I looked over at my date whose mouth was wide open in awe. “What’s wrong with your lips?” he asked as I began to move my seat back so I could run to the bathroom. I quickly covered my mouth with a napkin and jetted into the ladies room, looked in the mirror and almost collapsed. I remember the facial expressions of the women that were in the bathroom. Most were shock and there were two disgusted looks. My lips were swollen beyond extent. I looked like a duck! I wasn’t sure if the shrimp had triggered a reaction or if I got a botched collagen job from a shady lady in the basement of a Mexican hair salon. It was BAD! I quickly excused myself from the date and went home crying. The next day I woke up and my lips were still the same. I had no choice but to go to work which was probably an even bigger mistake than getting the collagen in the first place. As I sat at my desk doing paperwork I felt something hit me. It was a saltine cracker. Then another one hit me. My co-workers were throwing crackers at me and quacking. I wanted to die. I never learned my lesson though because a year later when  my lips deflated I went back to the shady Mexican lady for more. Quack! Quack!

3. First Date Snooze

A few years back after I had gotten divorced I decided to start dating again. I had met a really nice guy who offered to take me to dinner in the city. I agreed. We went to a cute little restaurant in Manhattan and had great conversation and some laughs. At around midnight we decided to head home because being a single mom I had to pick my kid up from his dad’s house early in the morning. We might have been in the car for all of five minutes when I started to doze off in the middle of my date telling me about how he helps the elderly in his spare time. Two minutes after that I was out, fast asleep. According to my date I was snoring very loudly and my mouth was wide open with drool making an appearance from time to time. When we got to my house he started shaking me to wake up, walked me to my door and said goodnight. I never heard from that guy again but I did have an amazing nap in his car. One of the best car naps I had ever taken.

2. Ten Year Old Madonna

When I was in the fifth grade I thought I was twenty. I had an eye for fashion that did NOT include cute puppy dogs or kittens on my t-shirts. I was into punk rock lace and neon. At the time my family and I lived next door to a clothing store called Caprice. They had some pretty cool clothing and I always asked my mom to buy me stuff from there but she always refused saying that the store was too mature to me. That was my cue to start whining which led her to tell me that if I saved my own money I could buy whatever I wanted. What a mistake! About a month later I had saved $23.00 and my one track mind led me next door to see what mature outfit I could find. I walked in the store with my head held high and made my way to the back of the store where all the polka dot attire was displayed. What caught my eye was a pink ruffled skirt and cropped off the shoulder top adorned with big black polka dots. I had to have it! It was only $19.99 and it was mine! I didn’t even try it on I just ran to the register, paid for it and walked out of the store a new woman! The next morning I woke up an hour early for school, took a shower and put on my new outfit. I topped off the new look with a pair of black cowboy boots. I was rockin’ it. As I walked out of my room into the kitchen my mother looked at me with a confused look on her face. “Where are you going dressed like Madonna?”, she asked. “School,” I replied. She shook her head and told me to change and I of course refused. After five minutes of carrying on my mother gave in and drove me to school looking like the Material Girl. I wasn’t sure why I won but I did. I proudly got out of the car and marched into school. I noticed a few parent’s heads turning as I walked past them but I thought nothing of it. As I entered my classroom my teacher looked at me with her eyes wide open. She immediately called me over and asked me who allowed me to wear this outfit to school. She said that exposed midriff was not allowed in school and that my outfit was inappropriate for a ten year old. I was sent to the principal’s office and my mother was called. She had to come bring me different clothes to change into. The funny thing was that she had already packed me a new outfit knowing that the one I had on was not going to fly. She let me learn my lesson the hard way. I went to school looking like a cheap hooker and my mom tried to stop me but i didn’t listen. Lesson learned.

1. Pathmark Shoes

Third grade, not the greatest year for me. I was not a winner when it came to the looks department, in fact I looked like a cat when it goes through their weird stage and their face looks ugly but almost human like. To top it off I had a gap between my two front teeth that I could fit two quarters side by side. I was horrid. Unlike fifth grade I was in no way a fashionista in the third grade.  To make matters worse my mother decided to buy me shoes from the No Frills isle in Pathmark! They were pink booty looking shoes made of an almost windbreaker like material. They had white fur inside and I swear they were slippers! My mother refused to believe me and bought me the “shoes.” Those shoes aka slippers were forced onto my feet and accompanied me to school the following day. I was mortified. These things were NOT shoes in any way, shape or form. How could this grown woman who birthed two children not know this!!!???? Within ten minutes of being in class I was already being made fun of. People pointing and saying I forgot to put my shoes on. “Slippers, slippers, she’s wearing slippers,” was the chant that the table behind me had made up. Then the bell rang. It was time to pile into the auditorium for a school assembly. That is where I lost my pride. Apparently there was a poll being taken in regards to my “shoes.” All the grades were in on it and I was the butt of all jokes. I immediately started crying, grabbed a marker from my schoolbag and wrote: Pathmark Special on my “shoes” just to add fuel to the fire and to ruin the stupid slippers so I never had to wear them again. It’s twenty-four years later and I still mention this story to my mother who STILL insists that they were not slippers. I’ve been damaged for life and she won’t even admit it’s her fault.