The Cossy Awards: Part Deux

Cosmai’s Blog The Cossy Awards, Part One: Nominations

by Matt Cosmai

Hello there, readerland. Since I’m writing this introduction on MLK Day… Happy Black Monday, everybody! Welcome to part 2 of the Cossy Awards, the awards show where we here at the blog (by “we”, I mean “I”) honor the stupidest people of the 2011 year. The Cossy Awards is sort of like our Superbowl, which would make all of us down here at the blog like a football team. Only we don’t snap towels at each other’s asses and take homoerotic showers with one another (or do we?).

Anyway, we’ve only got one award left (the rest were given out here: http://thecomedypoint.com/2012/01/02/cossy/), so let’s get this thing over with. Who will win? Will we see a first time award winner? Maybe we might. It’s always possibly that someone’s Cossy virginity will be lost, due to this last award. Who’s Cossy Award cherry will be popped (… actually, that sounded pretty disgusting, even coming from me)? The final award is…

The Aubrey Graham Memorial Estrogen Award for Excellence in Cornballiness
This goes to the person who has displayed the most suspect levels of fluffiness and softness. That’s why it’s named after Drake, the cushiest man in the universe. It’s like this person wakes up every day, slides down a glittery rainbow into a pool of cupcakes and unicorns, and then bathes in that pool while he plays the harp for his cats. Then he cries out of sheer happiness and joy, making sure to put all of his tears inside a small marmalade jar so the cats can all drink from it in case they get thirsty. Oh, and Drake’s “Shot For Me” can be heard faintly in the background throughout this entire ordeal.

OR maybe this person is just a horse’s ass, and they’re acting like a baby because they’re pissed off about something. Either way, this award goes to the biggest softie. Get the point? Here are the nominees…

-       Drake for everything he’s ever done, ever
-       President Barack Obama for not doing anything and letting everybody push him around all the time
-       The NFL for that whole lockout ordeal
-       Joe Paterno for not going to the police
-       The Boston Red Sox for giving Terry Francona his walking papers
-       The Miami Heat for not being able to win the championship
-       LeBron James for crying at the NBA Finals
-       YMCMB for being YMCMB
-       Prince William for showing the whole world that he’s whipped (remember the Royal Wedding, everybody?)
-       The NBA for waiting until Christmas to start the season because of the lockout
-       Tony Homo for being the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys
-       Simon Cowell, who went from being a douche on “American Idol”… to being a douche on “The X Factor”
-       J. Cole, for looking like Eeyore from “Winnie the Pooh”
-       Everyone involved in “Twighlight: Breaking Wind, Fart 1” (the joke had to be made, I don’t care how immature it is)
-       Lil Wayne and his buddy Aubrey for dissing Jay-Z and Kanye West because they were intimidated by “Watch The Throne”
-       Drake for “Take Care”
-       Kim Kardashian, for being able to marry any man on this planet… and picking the benchwarmer for the New Jersey Nets
-       Ashton Kutcher for “quitting twitter” after being attacked for defending the Penn State rape-y dude
-       The NCAA, because there’s a new college sports-related kid-toucher accusation almost every day now, coming from a bunch of different schools/Treating their players terribly
-       Julian Assange of Wikileaks for disclosing important Government secrets, but then being outraged when the Swedish government gets some serious dirt on him
-       Can I nominate Drake again?
-       Rex Ryan for trying to cover for the fact that he can’t win a Superbowl by mouthing off
-       Yeah, I’m nominating Drake again.
-       The “Occupy Wall Street” Protestors
-       The Cops who went HAM on the “Occupy Wall Street” protestors
-       He’s the Madonna of the Hip-Hop industry… here comes Drizzy with another nomination

Despite Drake being nominated millions of times, and the fact that the award was named even after him, he won’t be receiving the award. Instead, the The Aubrey Graham Memorial Estrogen Award for Excellence in Cornballiness will be given to the very record label he’s signed to… sometimes called “The X-Men of Soft Rappers”… YMCMB!!!

Oh Lil Wayne. Only he can claim to have created “the hardest group in the game”, all while part of that “group” consists of “American Idol” reject Chris Richardson. Weezy must have been on an Avon Barksdale level of crack/heroine when he signed most of these artists to his label, no doubt about it. Disagree with me? Let’s go down the list of these musical gems in YMCMB…

Shyne
Known by most casual rap fans as the dude who had a few lines on the “Outro” track of Lil Wayne’s “Tha Carter IV”. For the seven of you that actually listened to his verse (rather than skipping over it to hear Busta Rhymes rap a mere seconds later), we can all agree that this dude has the greatest “long-term cigarette smoker” voice of all time. There’s no way that before he spits a verse he’s not puttin’ away newports faster than Adele puts away a Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast.
Lil Twist, Lil Chuckee, and Torion Sellers
Like I said earlier, when Lil Wayne set out to create YMCMB/ Cash Money Records/ Young Money Enterprises (or whichever one of the fifty friggin names he uses when he’s talking about his label), he wanted some real hoodrat gangsters on the label; some rappers who could spit a cold verse, but hold an even colder past. So what does he do?

He signs three kids.

Good move, Lil Wayne. If I wanted to start a successful music group, I would also work with three people who are barely out of their diapers and just learned how to drink out of a sippy cup. How does Weezy handle these tykes? Do the offices of Young Money contain Jungle Gyms and Day Care Centers, to keep these adorable little Rugrats entertained before they crawl up into the recording studio? What if Lil Twist forgets to take the pacifier out of his mouth while he spits a verse? If Lil Chuckee forgets to finish his spelling homework because he was writing some rhymes, is his mom gonna take away his allowance? What happens if Torion misses an episode of “Blue’s Clues” because he was recording his album?

But seriously, these kids need to get 75467398000% the hell out of here.

Tyga

I’ll give Tyga credit for two things… first off, “Rack City” is pretty catchy. Secondly, if there were a Cossy Award for “Person that looks most like the Cheetos mascot”, he would’ve been runner-up (the winner being Wiz Khalifa). Other than that, I really don’t like this guy. Tyga looks wayyyy too much like a transexual Viatnamese prostitute for me to get behind him (TWSS). His resemblance to Gollum from “Lord of the Kings” is also uncanny. He should really quit the rap game and go back to his quest to find that ring with Sam and Frodo.

Drake
The Madonna of the Rap Industry… here comes Drizzy.

What can I say about Aubrey “Drake” Graham that hasn’t already been said? I pretty much tore this “Leader of the Light Skinned” a new one when I reviewed “Take Care” (http://thecomedypoint.com/2011/11/13/takecare/), so nothing new to say here. I was gonna criticize some of his lyrics from “Marvin’s Room” (a.k.a. “The Player Hater’s Anthem”), but when I typed them up they floated right off of my screen.

In short, Drake’s existence is a crime against homosexuality within itself. But you already knew that.

T-Pain
He’s new to YMCMB, but that doesn’t excuse him. No matter what label he’s one, T-Pain continues to do the same thing. You know, that thing he does… where he opens up his mouth and a bunch of random sounds come out and it somehow becomes a #1 single.

Gudda Gudda
You never really hear the term “Tolken Asian” tossed around too much, but that’s where Gudda Gudda comes in. The “Gil Gunderson of the rap game” made Young Money because Wayne owed him a favor or two, and it definitely shows. Possibly the worst rapper of all time, hiss career highlights include not coming out with an album ever, and being the weakest link in a company consisting of only weak links. Sometimes he’ll get a chance to “get his mediocre on” when Wayne features him on an unreleased track. Other than that… Wow, what a dipass. At this point, Gudda Gudda has mastered the art of being a dipass, and has moved on to the next level that comes after being a dipass… “quantum dipass”. This dude can probably be a dipass in a dream, and then bring that right back with him in his conscious state when he wakes up. I bet he can “inception dipass” his way through life. He’s finding methods of dipass buried 4 levels deeper under the small amount of dipassedness that we can actually see with the human retina. Gudda can be a dipass about 78 times per heartbeat. In fact, by the time you finish reading the sentence, this dipass will have probably been a dipass approximately 4,876 times. The dude is using methods of being a dipass that we haven’t seen since the ancient Mayans and Aztecs. Gudda Gudda takes being a dipass incredibly seriously. Good day, good sir.

Birdman

Although this man demands some respect as one of the founders of YMCMB, it’s pretty hard give him some when he literally has the word “STUPID” tattooed onto the side of his face.

Good ‘ol Birdman… I don’t call many songs “an abortion in my ear”, but Birdman, who claims to be the hardest rollin gangsta in the streets (birth name “Brian Williams”), is changing that. His music is absolutely terrible, there’s no other word for it. I’d honestly rather listen to live puppies being stomped out in a plastic bag than sit through his “Pricel3$$” album. Asking Birdman not to make horrible music is like asking a fish not to swim; asking “The Office” to not suck without Steve Carrell; asking a homeless guy to not turn into a Tiger when the clock strikes midnight… it just can’t be done…

Ummm, that’s really all of the Birdman jokes I have. I mean, I could also mention that he rubs his hands together like every 5 friggin seconds (as seen in the picture) and says the word “playboi” way too much, but that’s all I got on the honey dew melon-lookin dude. Besides, I don’t even need to make jokes about Birdman in the first place, just take a look at him. He’s hilarious enough.

Nicki Minaj
Nope. No. No no no.

Lil Wayne
The “Tim Tebow of the rap game” (because he’s such a huge name that everyone forgets the fact that he’s not that great in the first place)… Here he is, the cough syrup sipper himself, Weezy. Lil Wayne prides himself over being Young Money’s Commander-in-Chief… which is basically the equivalent to bragging about being the world’s tallest midget. The only dude in the world stupid enough to push his album as “gangsta” and then sample “Hello” by Lionel Richie.

I think the song “She Will” is a great example of the typical Lil Wayne track. It’s catchy, and my IQ drops a few points each time I listen to it, but it’s degrading enough to women in a creepy-ish way, enough to be considered a “rapist anthem” of sorts. Also, you can practically hear Drake spitting those bars… probably because he’s the one who wrote them. In fact, a lot of his songs are starting to sound like Aubrey tracks with Wayne’s auto-tuney voice on it instead. Drake was probably innocently showing Wayne his new song (after a hard day of doing some Drake-ish stuff, like singing acapella by the windowsill while wildlife gather around him and birds perch themselves on his arms, a’la Snow White), and Weezy was like “Ayo, Young Pillsberry, thanks for the new track, this MY SONG NOW (insert cheeky Lil Wayne giggle here)”. Drake then proceeded to cry himself to sleep, going through more tissues than Pee Wee Herman in the back of a movie theater.

Whelp, that’s enough moron-bashing for one day. It’s time to leave Young Money alone. See ya next week, Readerland.

What Cosmai listened to: “I think I’m Dexter” – Lil B; “Young, Wild, and Free” – Bruno Mars, Wiz Khalifa, and Snoop Dogg; “Dark Fantasy” – Kanye West; “Hey Ya!” – Outkast; “Already Home” – Kid Cudi and Jay-Z; “Doing it Wrong” – Drake and Stevie Wonder; “She Will” – Drake and Lil Wayne; “D12 World” – D12 and Eminem; “Make Some Noise” – Beastie Boys; “Hard to concentrate” – Red Hot Chili Peppers; “Castle Walls” – T.I. and Christina Aguilera; “All She Wrote” – Eminem and T.I.; “Conspiracy” – Paramore; “Crack Music” – Kanye West and The Game; “The Creep” – Lonely Island: “Creep” – Radiohead; “Cudi Spazzin” – Kid Cudi; “Dog Days Are Over” – Florence + The Machine: “Disenchanted” – My Chemical Romance: “Lucifer” – Jay-Z; “California” – Never Shout Never; “All of the Lights” – Kanye West, Rihanna, and Kid Cudi