Fan Mail of The Week:
“I started seeing someone that I’ve been friends with for years. Things got heavy really quick and burned out just as fast. Should I try to remain friends, or does this change things?”
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
Operating under the assumption “really heavy” means you turned that studio apartment into a black market steamroom, odds are your friendship is doomed. Sure you can try to talk it out but that means you BOTH have to agree to be vulnerable and honest. There are two sides to every story. You see it as two long term friends who suddenly realized they had “more than friends” feelings for each other. It happened. It counts. Maybe she thought you were two friends who were lonely but can never be together because you’ve been friends for so long. I don’t know. The point is you either hash it out or you let the chips fall where they may.
Thing is, there are a lot of people in this world who are great at being a friend but horrible in the boyfriend/girlfriend role. They don’t like themselves for some reason and they don’t want to reveal more than you already know because they are convinced you won’t like them and quite frankly, they like having you like them. Unhappy people seek out people who make them feel better. It’s human nature.
What do you have to gain by fighting for this relationship? Pros and cons. Write ‘em down. Sometimes it really comes down to that. It’s not until the past few years I realized I can let relationships die. All my life I tried to maintain relationships. Guess what? Relationship maintainers end up doing a lot of work. Calling, planning, follow up questioning about life events, listening to the same bullshit for years, after a while you say “what am I getting out of this?”. Sure you get the reputation of being a great friend. Or someone who tried to make the situation work out, but seriously, whoopy ding dong.
The most you can hope for is someone who gives a hoote about you enough to step out of their comfort zone and do things that they know make you feel special. Hopefully that someone has a great sense of humor, can kiss likes it’s nobody’s business, and is the monogamous type.
Stop thinking about how to handle this situation and start thinking about how it needs to pan out so that YOU feel good about it.
Once you’re in a good head space, take yourself out on the town.
Meeting new people always helps us to remember how likable we are.
Time to trim the fat!
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Beast: John Powers
It’s always tough dating friends, yet it happens all the time.
The question of inter-sex friendship is one we have already addressed (… and you say he’s just a friend, and we’ve even covered the question of staying friends with an ex (… do I need another useless facebook freind?, but this sounds like an interesting dilemma. It really depends on how well you know each other, how effected you were by this brief romantic relationship, and how much you value them as a person.
My humble opinion is that you should place a monetary value on this person’s life. How much would you pay to get them out on bail? Would you be upset if a lion escaped from the Zoo and mauled them? Could you bring yourself to forgive them for breaking your heart and giving you herpes? Do you feel like your entire life would have been a waste of time if you never saw this person again? Are you able to overlook whatever bothered you about the romantic relationship for the sake of the friendship that was? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions… you should stay friends.
There’s a big difference between a platonic friendship and a romantic relationship…boinking! Did you two boink?! If so, your friendship will never be the same. Things are always different after you’ve swapped bodily fluids. Even if she didn’t swallow, you’ll always remember the look on her face when she pretended to climax…
There was a time that I dated someone from my past. It just feels right with people you already know… you trust them… you know some of the people they’ve slept with… It didn’t work out, but there was a good reason, and I’m better off for it. Did I stay friends? No. I deleted her on facebook and that lion from the zoo took care of the rest.
… back to another stupid dating site (our opinion on dating sites!)
* I have included a lot of links to previous blogs in this one, mainly because there have been a lot of great articles and insightful tips written by myself and Kendra since we’ve been doing this (I’m so modest). You should go back and read some of them… leave comments, and ask us questions about your own relationships…
Ask me anything… I will answer. E-Male:
For more from Beauty and The Beast visit their previous columns here!
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