Fan Mail Question of The Week:
“Why are heterosexual people not as proud as homosexuals?”
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
My overpowering feeling on Gay Pride day is jealousy. Witnessing all the gay people celebrating their sexuality, it makes me realize how impartial I am to my heterosexuality. Sure I like guys, I think about them every day, and the possibility of having sex with one of them effects my behavior on a daily basis but I never have a day where I’m like “I love men! I like being penetrated by a penis attached to a male human! I love the male and the male sex organ and I’m proud!” with a big HETERO sign, marching down the street in my most feminine ensemble.
Truth is I’m not much of a parade gal but the point being, it would be nice to have a Hetero Pride day. How many hetero couples do you know that take each other for granted? Maybe I don’t know enough gay people, but the gay people I know are f’’ing stoked to have found someone to be gay with. Gay men and women alike, they’re so grateful for their partner. I can’t remember the last time I was truly thankful for a new man in my life, I’m automatically leery, horny, yes, but leery at the same time.
I mean I think it would do us heteros some good to go out there and say we like each other in a celebratory manner. The girls can chant “ You’re number one! You penis owners you!” The guys will be like “Hey I think that’s me. I have a penis so I guess I’m a penis owner. She thinks I’m number one, maybe she’ll be my number two. I mean she has a vagina, so she can never be number one. I feel bad for her, let me offer her my love stick’”
Ok I went off the rails there but you understand what I’m saying. I think it would be fun to have a day to revel in our sexuality. It would force us to realize we need each other to make this whole heterosexual thing genuine. Sure guys are retarded, dimwitted, and soulless, but if I want to call myself heterosexual, I NEED a man to do that with. You see where I am going with this? Guys would be so into Hetero Honor day because it’d be their perfect opportunity to let people know “I’m not gay”. They would go overboard with appreciation for women, at least for a day. But who knows? Maybe that one day of being over the top with adoration for women, well, maybe it has an impact. Worse case scenario, we have a party with a bunch of dudes that are willing to act like they like us! LADIES?
Plus, it’s a party.
A bad ass mutha f’ing hetero party
Us heteros like to party too!
Let’s get to celebrating a little guy on girl one on one
Shirts or skins?
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
That’s a great point.
Gay pride is a movement… an inspiration. Everywhere you look there are homosexual people excited about being homosexual. Rainbow flags are on every street and gay is part of our culture. Turn on the TV and there are proud homosexuals on every channel… especially ESPN. The gay rights movement is doing just fine, even our president is on board.
… but what about heteros?
Where did all the straight folks go?
It’s time to join in. Let your straight pride show. Women are what I like… and not just their personalities. We should shout it from the rooftops. I want all of you to get up, go to the window, open the window, stick out your head and yell, “I’m mad as hell, and I want to have heterosexual sex!” The people have a right to know. Vagina is awesome. I love it. My manhood is meant to be sheathed in a woman.
The youth of this generation are getting a heavy dose of gay, and whilst it’s important that they learn to be accepting and tolerant, they need to know that straight is an option too. Just because Lady Gaga and Clay Aiken are cool doesn’t mean that straight is lame. Just look at Justin Bieber… wait, no… umm, Leonardo DiCaprio? You get my point, we need to spread the word that heterosexual sex is still fun for everyone.
Women are beautiful. It’s not just boobies. The media does a great job of portraying women as sex symbols but they don’t often capture the depth of our desires. Heteros can be a passionate bunch. Nothing turns me on more than a woman who really loves my dick. Let’s bring some equality back to gender equality and remind all those fuckers out there that there are men who can eat pussy just as enthusiastically as lesbians.
Ask me anything… I will answer.
… John’s comedy single is now available on iTunes. Click here to buy “Get Some Blow,” his parody version of Gotye’s hit “Somebody I Used To Know.”
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