Fan Mail Question of The Week:
John and Kendra
“I’m a big Yankees fan… can I date a girl who likes the Red Sox?”
The Beast: John Powers
Oh, you’re a Yankees fan, eh?
You probably can’t date anyone who isn’t also a Yankees fan. You are used to winning. You expect things to go your way all the time. If your team falls short of winning the World Series it was a shitty season. You’re into money… greed… buying whatever you need to feel complete.
The problem with dating a Red Sox fan is that you’re natural nemesii… but you already knew that. It would be like a cat dating a bird. Can her smile (or her tits) compensate? Can your love for each other overcome your hatred of each others’ teams? Can you share enough common interests that it wouldn’t bother you? No. It just won’t work. There is too much stacked against you. Your sense of entitlement will surely butt heads with her unjustified arrogance.
Actually, you probably can’t date a Yankees fan either. She would be just as spoiled and obnoxious as yourself, and you probably wouldn’t want to deal with all that… it gets annoying. You would sometimes not get your way, and that would be intolerable. The only upside is that you could buy car decals in bulk and get a discount…
You could try dating a Mets fan. They’re used to disappointment, so she won’t mind if you’ve got a tiny pecker. She wouldn’t mind if you took her nearly all the way and then forgot how to swing a bat. My best advice for you is to stay out of the American League.
Maybe you can try dating a Patriots fan. You’d have a lot in common. They’re also front runners who will only wear the team colors when they’re doing well. If you aren’t a big football fan, and she’s not a big baseball fan, that just might work.
…or try to get a grip on reality. There’s more to life than sports, and a team winning or losing has no actual impact on your health or happiness. Date a Red Sox fan… just relax a little.
Ask me anything… I will answer.
… John’s comedy single is now available on iTunes. Click here to buy “Get Some Blow,” his parody version of Gotye’s hit “Somebody I Used To Know.”
I’m a Red Sox fan. I don’t know all the players names. I can’t hold court telling tales of the Red Sox legacy. Nor can I tell you their standing right now. I admit all those things. But I still consider myself a fan. I wear their hats, I have a couple of shirts, and I think Fenway is the shit. So even though I’m not a psycho, I still count. I say all this to supply the reader with additional information that may not be revealed in the following paragraphs. A foreshadowing if you will.
So there’s that.
Then I need to know WHY he likes the Yankees. Yeah I know they win a lot but c’mon, that can’t be the reason you’re a fan. Maybe the dude is a native New Yorker. Ok I get it. Or his grandpapa brought him to every home game to escape the volatility of a poor family life. Awww that’s sweet. By the way, whenever information is revealed about a bad childhood, you know you either have a real sweetheart on your hands or a great lover who is verbally abusive. I guess that’s a bit of a reveal right there.
The good news is, if a Red Sox fan and a Yankee fan are attracted to each other, there is a lot of rivalry to build sexual tension on.
And that’s what all great relationships start with right?
And a little bit of disgust for one another.
Sounds like someone needs some summer lovin’
You heard it here first folks
Thanks for listening!
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