Beauty And The Beast, a weekly dating advice column with Kendra Cunningham and John Powers
Fan Mail Question of The Week:
Dear John & Kendra,
We all know guys are ill equipped when it comes to talking about feelings, what are realistic expectations?
Concerned Girl
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
I’m the worst person to ask. My expectations from men are far from reality based. For one thing, I still operate under the belief system that at some point, dudes stop acting like dudes and start communicating with me like my female friends. To some asinine degree, I subconsciously think guys ACT like guys until they trust and love you, then they become easy going, understandable, fun loving people, just like my best gal pals.
The truth is, we’re always gonna be different. To make matters more complicated, within our respective genders, there are all different degrees of feminine and masculine behavior. My last boyfriend liked to talk about his emotional issues, repetitively. Not only was it exhausting, it was worrisome. Then I’m tiptoeing around his emotional shit and guess what? My baggage got ignored and stagnant. I’ve also been involved with emotional imbeciles who literally have no emotional intelligence.
Neanderthal: “Whattaya mean?’
This is where I think I’m getting fucked with and lose my shit.
Sometimes it takes an idiot to send you into an anger fueled tail spin.
All I really want is someone to communicate these things
“I think you’re prettier than anyone I know”
‘I like spending time with you more than anyone I know’
‘I want you to feel like I like you more than anyone I know, how can I do that?”
Superlatives and interest in behavior modification.
That’s really it.
I don’t think that’s asking too much.
Preferably the male saying these things is 6 foot something, 50 to 60 pounds heavier than me, easy on the eyes, and highly interested in my sexual satisfaction.
Just another set of reality based expectations
I’m fucked
Figuratively
Thanks for listening.
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Beast: John Powers
If you’ve got a real man, expectations should be… low.
From a very young age we are taught to hold back our feelings and pretend that nothing affects us. If you fall off your bike, wipe the blood off your knee and get back on… don’t cry. Men are supposed to be a brick wall, impenetrable by feelings and thoughts. Of course that’s impossible, but we try to be strong and show as little emotion as possible. To get feelings out of a man is like trying to get orange juice out of an apple.
There are a lot of vagina-men out there. I’m not referring to men who enjoy the female genitalia, I’m referring to a new breed of pussy-men that dress like women, act like women… and tell you too much about their feelings (as well as other things you’d rather not know). If you are dating a metrosexual be forewarned… he is not a real man and anything he says should be taken with the same levity as a comment from a female. I saw a guy humping a turnstile on the subway the other day.
If you have a “real man” on your hands your expectation levels should be low. He will tell you when something bothers him. He will tell you if he is not comfortable in a place or situation. It will come out as, “time to go.” Be thankful that he’s saying anything and take it very seriously. What he’s thinking is much more complicated than what he’s saying, but if he lets you in on that secret he’d be giving up some control and his mustache would fall on immediately.
Once again, a healthy middle-ground is the best bet. Find a guy who is modern enough to tell you how he’s feeling… occasionally… and not be such a little bitch about it.
Keep in mind, men are solution-based organisms. If you’re having a problem at work or with another friend a man will get to the bottom of it and find a solution to your problem. He’s not gonna sit there as you go on and on about how Becky didn’t come to the party even though she clicked “yes” on the facebook event. He will give you some advice… you should take the advice… and then it’s done.
… if you don’t take the advice I won’t fuckin’ give you any more.
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I think women expect men to be mindreaders. Men are not emotional creatures. They operate more by senses, such as vision and spell. That is why porn is popular with men and erotica women. Anyway, men are attacted to their partner of choice by first site. Women more or less by if they feel safe.
Now, men are emotional imbeciles as stated in the above. Most women, myself included, think that they can pick up clues when they have said something obtuse. We think that they will automatically do something romantic like they do in the movies and not shut down when things get emotional. Wrong. You have to spell things out for guys. You have to spell it out letter for letter. When I was younger I was dating a guy and he was a cave boy and well,I got tired of the cave boy and yelled at him. He looked at me blankly and hurt and asked,”Why didnt you just tell me?”
So yes,men are emotionally retarded,and women are even more retarded for believing being passive aggressive will crack through that thick layer of stupid.
However,as John explained,some of it is how guys are raised. Guys are raised to be macho. They are raised to be tough. I was raised with a brother who was a star lineman and powerlifter who held high school and college records. He’s a good dude but he is still not emotional. It doesnt mean my bro doesnt have feelings though.
When it comes to my sister in law my brother is the type to remember Valentine’s Day and makes sure she never steps in puddles. The whole nine yards. Once, her plane was delayed and he was visibly upset. Then again even Chuck Norris has that side.
However, beware of any guy who talks about his feelings too much. Aside from being namby pamby and weak, I would have to fight our way out of the alley. After that I would make him cry like I have with every metrosexual I have dated.
This is very good. As usual I weigh in
xo