Beauty And The Beast, a weekly dating advice column with Kendra Cunningham and John Powers
Fan Mail Question of The Week:
Dear John & Kendra,
“I’ve been sleeping with this girl for a while and the past few times all she can talk about is a relationship. How come guys can have hookups but girls always get attached?!”
- Marvin, New Rochelle
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
First off, it’s not always women who want more from a sexual relationship. There are plenty of men out there who can’t keep up a long term sexual relationship without some introspection about relationship development.
Now in your case, the girl wants more from you. I gotta be honest, I can’t stand when anybody gripes about having people interested in them. It’s a pet peeve of mine. When I hear people whining about how much of an inconvenience it is that someone is interested in getting to know them better and in caring about them and becoming closer with them, it’s like ‘Please!’. You claim she wants to have a relationship, guess what? You guys are already having a relationship! Sounds like it’s predominantly sexual, but it is a relationship. Merriam Webster defines relationship as a “romantic or passionate attachment’. I’m gonna assume you have good sex or neither one of you would be coming back for more, so there! You’re in a passionate relationship. Now she wants to spend more time with you. This is what is so annoying, in men and women alike. Someone your involved with says ‘hey this is fun, let’s try to parlay it into something with substance and longevity” and you say ‘nah’ but then you continue to participate, sending mixed signals and basically, encouraging the very feelings you don’t want her to have. Guess what? She’s not the fucked up one. It’s healthy to care about people and want to be involved in the day to day happenings of people you care for. What’s fucked up is someone telling you “hey I like you more than I used to, I’d like that to be reflected in the time we spend together” and you see that as a nuisance. Dude, if you just want to have emotionless sex, have one night stands or find a really crazy chick to do it with. Don’t torture someone who likes you. Odds are you’ll keep doing whatever makes you feel good. I mean if you really gave a shit, when this girl started talking about relationship stuff you would have said “hey, I like you but I don’t want the same things that you want. Let’s not see each other for a while and see how we feel in a few months’
But instead you wrote an email looking for supportive words to encourage your long term sex with no attachment relationship
with someone who gives a shit.
Anywho, I think there are all sorts of relationships out there. As long as everybody’s happy, it’s all good. Once you start hurting other people, it’s time to get out. Or make some behavior changes, but we all know how hard that is for men, excuse me, boys.
I would say have a happy life but I get the impression you want to be thought of as emotionless, so, I’ll leave you with this quote from Norman Schwarzkopf, also known as Stormin’ Norman:
“The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.”
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Beast: John Powers
It’s in our nature, Marvin. Women are instinctively monogamous. They want to meet a man that appeals to their animal instincts (looks big, strong and will make big, strong babies) and then they want to take him off the market.
Why is it that so many women like athletes? They are in good shape… they have lots of stamina… and they are usually not too bright. That’s exactly what women want. Just someone to stand alongside them, say nice things, and give them babies. If every woman out there could find her own Eli Manning, there would be a lot less web traffic on match.com.
Plus, as I’ve always said, women are like venus fly-traps. They are carnivorous monsters with an appealingly sticky center. Once you step foot on them, they start to close around you. If you let them have the foot, they just keep going for more. If you’re not looking to get swallowed by a murderous plant-woman, the best thing to do is stay away from them completely.
They’re all programmed for it. “I don’t want babies… I don’t want to move to Long Island… I never want to be a housewife…” It’s all bullshit. They all do. I’ve dated plenty of feminists and head-strong, type-A non-conformist overachievers, and they all secretly want to be at home with a baby at the breast while their man is out hunting.
Men are built to spread our seed (go back and read my “Johnny Appleseed Theory” post…). It is natural for men to want to have many women and not sleep next to any of them… but you need to decide which this particular woman is. Sounds like she’s opening her trap.
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Wow, I have a lot to say. First off, to the man who wrote this quiere, shame on you. Instead of being a sexually deceptive prick, you should have told the woman what you wanted before you both jumped into bed. Then you wouldn’t be in this mess. She could have said yay or nay and then things wouldn’t be so complicated. Then again, that would involve being honest. Translated, let the head on your shoulders think for a minute before you start plotting on how to ruin some woman’s life. I hope to God condoms are involved. I pity the poor woman who’s time you are wasting and you are probably unemployed and then she will be tied down with your baby. Or better yet, maybe she will stick you with something nasty that makes you burn when you pee that eliminates your lying ass from the dating pool.
Life isn’t fair. Could we be so lucky?
Second, I have a bone to pick with you John. It involves the following passage:
They’re all programmed for it. “I don’t want babies… I don’t want to move to Long Island… I never want to be a housewife…” It’s all bullshit. They all do. I’ve dated plenty of feminists and head-strong, type-A non-conformist overachievers, and they all secretly want to be at home with a baby at the breast while their man is out hunting.
You claim to know an awful lot about women like me. I do not want a husband or children nor do I want to run around with a baby and to serve a man. Like many men, you assume my only aspiration is to simply wait on you hand and foot. I realize you hang around male comedians who resort to porn because no living, breathing woman would ever touch their underachieving, underearning ass but I thought you knew better.
I am a career woman and I speak for all career women when I say this. Idiot laced comments like yours not only create the glass ceiling,but it adds a few extra layers. What next,are you going to write about how I can’t lift heavy things because I get a period once a month? Nevermind I am a woman who has been on her own for quite sometime with no help from a man. Nevermind that I got rid of a fiance who wanted me to give up my career in order to serve him. Nevermind I speak out on behalf of women’s rights whenever possible. Nevermind that I have done a lot in my twenty something odd years that includes writing a book that will soon be available online. Nevermind that I have fought off older male comedians and bookers who used both cheap liquor and stupid promises in order to trick me into sex (I didnt take it because they had nothing to offer and the sex would have been terrible).
My real desire must be to have a baby and must be to serve a man. While the feminists you dated caved when the sexual oppression of this man’s world got to be too hard, it is not the case for all of us. Despite what your dick driven ego may indicate, not all of us dream of waiting on you or men like you hand and foot. In addition, not all of us are stupid and driven by pure emotion either. I pride myself in being logical. I pride myself in never letting a man pay for me.
So please, before you make assumptions about women you call feminists (or whatever other terrible term men like you call women like me in private), remember that just because you meet a few who are traitors to the cause,not all of us are. It’s like saying all black people don’t tip and all Koreans own corner stores.
Got it?
I guess one important factor in this situation is maternity. Women have a stronger “need” to have children than men and they are additionally restricted to have them before their forties (excluding adoption). Of course raising a child, apart from offering big amounts of joy, requires a lot of time and care. I guess in a world were marriages didn’t exist one would very often meet women growing up a child alone and men avoiding them during that “bad” period when they would have to share more responsibilities. Thus it seems reasonable to me for them to seek for more commitment in their relationships than we are.
This situation seems to get more tense when part of the female population looks at commitment as their main objective in a relationship. I have talked with numerous female friends of mine who had a two or three months relationship during which they had a very good time but the fact that it ended made them characterize it as unsuccessful. This seems strange to me. What is unsuccessful in having a very good time for two months? Apart from that it is common that after one year or so relationships tend to get less exciting. Of course, independent of the sex (m/f), everyone wants to have longer relationships during their lives and get to create a deeper connection with another human being. I find it though a bit extreme to make this as your objective and exclude shorter relationships which have to add their own value to your life.
This in turn leads many men to the solution of pretending that they want to have some longer relationship in order to be able to have a short “love story”. I have done this myself once. I met a girl while I was in France and I had a wonderful time with her for two months. At that time I was in a relationship with my girlfriend and I didn’t talk to my french mistress about that until the second time we had intercourse. She didn’t take it that heavily. We were apart for three days but then we were again together for the rest of the two months period. I tried to make it clear to her during that period that this was all I wanted but still at the end she applied pressure on me in order to make me leave my girlfriend and have a relationship with her.
This experience felt very natural to me. I was very happy and satisfied while I was with the french girl, I never lost my love or will to be with my girlfriend and at the end of the period I knew I didn’t want this affair to last longer. Despite of that I felt disgusted with me and those two women in my life. I hated myself for having to lie to people to achieve some goal -something I consider in general very low-, I hated my girlfriend because every time I told her I feel the need to be with other women from time to time she replied she wouldn’t accept a more open relationship and I also hated the french girl who would not consider dating me if I told her I wanted something short-term and who was not considering accepting it when I explained it to her but instead attempted to end my relationship with my gf for her own interest.
I think there is a gap between the interests of men and women and also the lifestyle they want to pursue. What annoys me though is that this gap is actually not that big as the social norms and the way people are too afraid of the lack of commitment or relationships make it. Probably both sexes should reconsider the notion of relationship and come up with one which would be more beneficial for both. One with a looser commitment, a better distribution of responsibilities and more honesty.
*I have to make two comments on this text:
1. At many places it is quite subjective, even offensive for some people. I apologize for that but my goal was to write down the way I view things from my experiences and point of view. I will be very happy to hear comments, different opinions and new ideas. After all that’s why I spend my time writing it.
2. It seems many times that I am generalizing some behaviors and patterns to the whole group of men or women. I guess a reasonable reader should interpret that as something like: >60% of women have the A behavior or >60% of men have the B behavior. Even such a small deviation can have a big impact in the way society functions.
3. My English is far from perfect as it is not my mother tongue. Please forgive me for that.
**three comments