Fan Mail Question of The Week:
Dear John & Kendra,
I’m in a relationship with a man in his mid 30s. When we don’t have plans, many times he will choose to go drinking with his friends. Do guys every outgrow the juvenile bro time?
Peter Pan’s Girlfriend
The Beast: John Powers
There’s nothing wrong with a guys’ night. Unless they are more frequent than your date nights. There comes a point when “bros before hoes” no longer applies… or simply changes to “wives before guys.” Your friend’s guy needs to decide which is more important to him.
Each guy is different and it has nothing to do with age at all. The question is not if a man will ever change… he won’t. The question is if this man is at the right mental age to keep you happy.
What is a man’s mental age? I’m glad you asked. It’s the age that his brain thinks he is. Most men stop evolving by the time they turn 25. Whenever it happens there is not much you can do to change it. He can be 45 and still act like he’s in college.
There is only so much a man can take. When our saturation point is reached, we just don’t care anymore. That’s one of the big differences between men and women. Women like to learn and grow. Men will listen to the same music, do the same things, and expect it to be just as gratifying as the first time.
I’m still stuck on Pearl Jam. It doesn’t matter how many times I hear Dissident or Given to Fly. They’re just better songs than the shit the kids are crankin’ out these days. (see that? I sounded old, but really I’m just musically mentally young!) The difference between myself and most men is that I don’t care much for sports or television. I’d rather play music, read a book, or work on a creative project.
So your friend found a guy stuck in college mode. He enjoys getting wasted whenever possible and couple time isn’t his priority. That’s ok… as long as your friend likes bong hits and drunk late-night sexual mishaps. If not, it might be wise for her to find a guy whose mental age is at least 30. At least that way he might know how to vacuum and care enough to reciprocate oral.
I know men in their 50’s who still prefer to go drinking with the boys over doing ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. You could say “hey, me and these 3 Japanese acrobats want to show you a good time’ and they would be like “ahhhh, shit, Sheazo’s having a pub crawl. How long they in town for?”. It’s just who they are. The quicker you can accept people for who they are, based strictly on the words and actions that actually occur, no hypotheticals, the happier you will be with your man, and everybody else in your social circle for that matter. I know it’s not easy. We all project and even worse, we believe that the people we care about are capable of realizing their potential. Of course they are, they’re our people, which means they’re awesome. Truth is, a lot of people will never take the appropriate action to be all that they can be and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. People change when they want to change.
Don’t get me wrong, I think you have a legitimate gripe here, I do. It’s not so much what he’s doing with his free time but more what he’s not doing when he’s away from you. If your man goes out drinking, he’s not focusing on saving money to lavish you with gifts and treat you to salon services. If your man is out drinking, he’s not at home working on the novel he’s been talking about writing since your first date 8 years ago or decorating his lair so it’s to your standards. But mostly, if your man is out drinking, he’s not at home missing you.
Maybe you’ve outgrown him. It’s sad but it happens all the time. Shit, sometimes I outgrow a guy half way through my entree. It sucks to admit to yourself that you’re over someone. Take it from someone who will stay in a stagnant situation for months in order to avoid going on a date with someone new. I hate dating. Not to deter you from dumping this guy, but remember, you will then have to date. Everytime I go on a date I wanna say “do me a favor, punch me in the face and go down on me, because that’s all this is gonna boil down to, whether its one date, 6 months, 5 years, it’s gonna result in some mild head trauma coupled with an attempt at sexual satisfaction. Let’s just get it out of the way right up front”
Before you end it, torture him a little, emotionally.
Email me if you need any torture tips.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
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