Fan Mail Question of The Week:
Kendra & John,
Hey guys, LOVE the column! I have a serious problem of being too nice to guys when they are interested in me and I’m not interested in them. I always end up stuck in the uncomfortable flirting, stringing them along until I just stop talking to them altogether. What’s the best way to let someone down without being mean without feeding into the flirting?
Sorry, Kristina… but it’s not possible. You need to cut this guy off completely, and usually in a harsh way. Men are not intelligent creatures… and we are relentless and persistent when we see something we want our penii inside. It’s on you to be clear from the gecko. We do not catch your drift, or see your subtle hints. You must be direct with us and not beat around the bush… (haha, beat around the bush…)
We have already addressed guys and girls being “just friends.” It only works in certain situations and this does not sound like one of them… so I’ll try to be specific enough to help you in this particular situation.
The best way to let a guy down gently is by quickly pulling the band-aide brand adhesive strip. “Sorry… you’re alright, but not my type,” is what you say… what he hears is, “I usually don’t go for guys that look like you, but maybe you can convince me.” There cannot be any gray area. “No. There is no chance at all.” Tell him you don’t want to be mean, but don’t let him make any sexual jokes. The longer you keep up casual flirtation, the more attached this guy will get. They’re like barnacles growing on the bottom of a ship. You really need to scrape them off before they start the process of symbiosis.
It’s not fun to say “no thanks.” You don’t want to be mean but it really is the best way to get your point across. You’re probably flattered by the interest. Does part of you want something with these guys? A casual hookup? Quick makeout session? (this is why Kendra gives the female perspective, sometimes I don’t understand your motives) Unless there is a place deep down inside that you really want one of these guys (hahaha…) then you should be as clear as possible and leave no room for interpretation.
If you’re gonna stop calling eventually… why not just stop it before it starts?
… John’s parody of “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s is now available on iTunes. Click here to buy “Venereal Disease.”
Don’t you know the old saying ‘Flirting leads to harm’? I’ve been accused of being a flirt many a times. I think there is a difference between being flirtatious, which is when someone is clearly flirting just to make themselves feel wanted and desirable, and flirting, which is flirting to send a message that the other person is wanted and desirable, as a means to an end. I am terrible at the latter. If I like someone I usually act like I don’t like them or I act flirtatiously with mixed signals and hope they have super human emotional detector powers. Either way flirting is a lot of ambiguous merriment. And, usually, hours of fun so rock on flirty girl.
It’s commendable that you don’t want to lead this admirer on, some girls would milk him for all he’s worth but you have some personal ethics, bravo. This is what I would do, and I’m not saying this is the best way to handle things at all but I’d start being a bit of a bitch. Cease the fun loving bit and be quiet and brooding, but only when he looks you in the eye or talks to you directly. So here you are you flirty thing, laughing, singing along with the DJ and he say’s “shake it down girl’, you stop in your tracks, stop smiling and just look at him. Act like you really do not like him. People hate not to be liked. So he either stops coming around or he confronts you. If he confronts you, you tell him what you’ve been up to. Feeling like he liked you made you act crazy. Simple as that.
Don’t try to be the same and have a “I don’t like you that way” conversation. You two are in a ‘one of us likes the other’ relationship. Period. Someone has to change to make the dynamic different. It might as well be you.
The other solution is, go against your instinct and give the guy a shot. Honestly, it feels good when people like you more than you like them. It’s been a while since I was in that seat and when I think back, I wish I had enjoyed it more. Shit, let him convince you why you’re so awesome. Give him a chance to treat you like a princess. And hope that his version of putting you on a peddle stool is the same as yours.
My version is specifically luxury and leisure oriented.
With a guy who likes to talk about emotional torment.
But only when I’m in the mood.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
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