Beauty And The Beast, a weekly dating advice column with Kendra Cunningham and John Powers
Kendra & John,
I always find it interesting that men only “fall in love” when they want to. Woman are much more driven by their emotions. Men can have sex with a girl for months and not feel a thing… and not miss it when it’s gone. Whats up with that?
Lisa T from CT
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
First of all, I know girls who can have sex with the same guy for months, even years and suddenly he packs up and moves to another zip code, and all they can say is ‘That’s like a 30 dollar cab ride. Fuck that’. So it’s not necessarily a gender thing but more of a character issue. Some people are incapable of forming attachments, no matter if they are male or female. These people are usually called jerks, assholes, or self serving mother fuckers.
You say guys decide when they want to fall in love. I would wager more than half the people who say they’re in love have simply found a person who has a similar, mutually beneficial, agenda. Sure people can decide they want to work on having a relationship with someone, that is part of love. But truly loving someone doesn’t come by way of choice. There is an element of fate and hopefully, passion.
To be honest, I’m not sure how to interpret your email. I’m guessing you’ve been sleeping with someone who doesn’t want a relationship beyond that. Here’s the thing, we are all responsible for our own happiness. You can write an email looking for a solution. You can play games, not return calls or be unavailable. You can even purposefully spend time with other guys that you’re not interested in just to bask in the glow of unsolicited affection. These are all moderately satisfying distractions. The bottom line is one of these days you’re gonna have to sit down and say to yourself “Self, what would it take to make me happy? Not a fleeting happiness but a sustainable feeling of self respect and sincere satisfaction with your quality of life.” I guarantee it won’t include Rico Suave or whatever you call your elusive lover. Usually we get ourselves into dead end relationships so we don’t have the mind space to deal with the important life issues at hand.
Let’s call a spade a spade. Maybe you simply like banging this guy. Are you ok with that? Personally I can’t be in a solely sexual relationship. I gotta make it more so I can avoid feeling like a dirty girl. I can say things to myself like “but I really liked him! That’s why I had sex with him 5 times in 3 hours. Why else would I do something like that?”
I don’t know if I helped you. If I did please let me know what part of this diatribe hit home.
If I didn’t help, well you know, some people don’t want to be helped.
Especially when they’re getting laid without the restraints of a conventional relationship.
Some people fantasize about your situation, little lady.
Be the fantasy.
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
Men don’t need love.
Ok, we do… but we don’t seek it out until we mature. What we look for is someone we are physically attracted to first. Someone we desire and want to kiss (touch, wiggle around in…) Man’s first thought is the body, which typically leads us into sexual relationships first.
Love comes later. To most men it’s an afterthought. “Well… she’s good to me. I like being with her… Ok. It’s love.” From what I understand of women, it’s their first priority. They are emotional creatures. They can do without sex, movies, and even money. They just want someone to love who loves them back.
It’s instinctual. Men have no “internal clock” and meaningless sex is fun for a while. We can mess around and be selective about who we drop L-Bombs on. If we aren’t feeling it, we can still enjoy the sensation without feeling any emotional connection.
…so be careful where you put your dick, some feelings might get stuck on it.
- John Powers
… John’s parody of “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s is now available on iTunes. Click here to buy “Venereal Disease.”
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