Beauty And The Beast, a weekly dating advice column with Kendra Cunningham and John Powers
Fan Mail Question of The Week:
Kendra & John,
I always find it interesting that men only “fall in love” when they want to. Woman are much more driven by their emotions. Men can have sex with a girl for months and not feel a thing… and not miss it when it’s gone. Whats up with that?
Lisa T from CT
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
First of all, I know girls who can have sex with the same guy for months, even years and suddenly he packs up and moves to another zip code, and all they can say is ‘That’s like a 30 dollar cab ride. Fuck that’. So it’s not necessarily a gender thing but more of a character issue. Some people are incapable of forming attachments, no matter if they are male or female. These people are usually called jerks, assholes, or self serving mother fuckers.
You say guys decide when they want to fall in love. I would wager more than half the people who say they’re in love have simply found a person who has a similar, mutually beneficial, agenda. Sure people can decide they want to work on having a relationship with someone, that is part of love. But truly loving someone doesn’t come by way of choice. There is an element of fate and hopefully, passion.
To be honest, I’m not sure how to interpret your email. I’m guessing you’ve been sleeping with someone who doesn’t want a relationship beyond that. Here’s the thing, we are all responsible for our own happiness. You can write an email looking for a solution. You can play games, not return calls or be unavailable. You can even purposefully spend time with other guys that you’re not interested in just to bask in the glow of unsolicited affection. These are all moderately satisfying distractions. The bottom line is one of these days you’re gonna have to sit down and say to yourself “Self, what would it take to make me happy? Not a fleeting happiness but a sustainable feeling of self respect and sincere satisfaction with your quality of life.” I guarantee it won’t include Rico Suave or whatever you call your elusive lover. Usually we get ourselves into dead end relationships so we don’t have the mind space to deal with the important life issues at hand.
Let’s call a spade a spade. Maybe you simply like banging this guy. Are you ok with that? Personally I can’t be in a solely sexual relationship. I gotta make it more so I can avoid feeling like a dirty girl. I can say things to myself like “but I really liked him! That’s why I had sex with him 5 times in 3 hours. Why else would I do something like that?”
I don’t know if I helped you. If I did please let me know what part of this diatribe hit home.
If I didn’t help, well you know, some people don’t want to be helped.
Especially when they’re getting laid without the restraints of a conventional relationship.
Some people fantasize about your situation, little lady.
Remember that.
Be the fantasy.
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Beast: John Powers
Men don’t need love.
Ok, we do… but we don’t seek it out until we mature. What we look for is someone we are physically attracted to first. Someone we desire and want to kiss (touch, wiggle around in…) Man’s first thought is the body, which typically leads us into sexual relationships first.
Love comes later. To most men it’s an afterthought. “Well… she’s good to me. I like being with her… Ok. It’s love.” From what I understand of women, it’s their first priority. They are emotional creatures. They can do without sex, movies, and even money. They just want someone to love who loves them back.
It’s instinctual. Men have no “internal clock” and meaningless sex is fun for a while. We can mess around and be selective about who we drop L-Bombs on. If we aren’t feeling it, we can still enjoy the sensation without feeling any emotional connection.
Some say physics play a role in this as well. The act of sticking a rod in a hole is something men do all the time, be it a hand or a pumpkin. We like sticking our dicks in things… including people. To take another person into your body requires willingness to surrender your own body to theirs. You are at their mercy and an emotional connection is hard to avoid. Unless she’s a super-slut who just loves getting rammed… she’s gonna get attached.…so be careful where you put your dick, some feelings might get stuck on it.
- John Powers
http://www.johnjpowers.com
facebook.com/ComicJohnPowers
@ComicJohnPowers
… John’s parody of “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s is now available on iTunes. Click here to buy “Venereal Disease.”
T
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Thanks for your completely conflicting opinions!
When I am in a mutually satisfying, purely sexual relationship… I have NO intention on being serious. At this point in my life… this is ideal for me.
But, as a girl… I know that those feelings do come up (which I try to squash like a bug). Dont get me wrong. I like being taken out, showed off, complimented..blah blah. But sex is really my driving force.
I think the “Beast” view was more of what I was looking for. Love (and the act of falling) is different for men and woman. Woman have many more “levels” of love. Probably why we are typically the caretakers of EVERYONE! We are very different creatures.
I think “To most men it’s an afterthought” sums it up.
Thanks guys!
Thanks for the kind words, Lisa. I’m glad that my response satisfied you. It’s nice that Kendra and myself approach each question from a different angle, and people relate more to one view or the other.
Please continue to read us, submit a question of your own, and “like” us and our page on the Facebook.
I think men and women are driven by different things as John points out. Men are more visual, and so therefore sex is the only thing on their minds. That is why they are more apt to hit it and quit it, and even when they say they are in love-boys don’t fall in love-they either check out other girls or still look at porn.
Kendra brings up an excellent point. People of both genders don’t get attached. And we are all responsible for our own happiness. Before two people get into bed and engage in said activities they need to agree on what this is. Is this a casual fling? Is this a one night deal? Is this an extramarital affair that must be kept on the hush? Are you two dating?
Also that being said I think it is unfair that women expect men to “fall in love” and be faithful when it is against their nature and biology. I always tell my boyfriends cheat to your hearts content. Don’t get me flowers because it’s a dead giveaway that you messed up. And if you do cheat don’t let me find out who she is because it’s gonna be weird. But I know you are doing it so Friday night is much more rewarding for me because I get a night off. And don’t tell me you love me because you will be lying. You either want to use me for a job reference, place to live, or something. You don’t love me so stop it. And then the relationship ends in disaster and I end up single like I am now.
But what I am trying to say is that as an asshole and a jerk as Kendra pointed out, someone who can string someone along for months without them meaning a thing, maybe I have some outside issues.
Maybe this is why no one loves me. But I love myself and that is all that matters xoxo