Beauty And The Beast, a weekly dating advice column with Kendra Cunningham and John Powers
Fan Mail Question of The Week:
Kendra & John,
Thanks for your response last week. I enjoyed it so much I have another question for you regarding sex drive!
Men are always complaining that they don’t get enough sex, but I find the opposite is true. What are you supposed to do when your partner’s sex drive is not equal to your own?
Lisa T from CT
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
Sexually incompatible
It always sucks when you’re into someone and you realize you’re incompatible on some metric, but sex drive? That’s a big one. More so for the hornball involved. My guy reaction, set a sex schedule. I hear married people complain about having a sex schedule all the time. I would kill to know the next time I’m gonna do it. I’m on call 24/7. I never know when it’s coming and I gotta be ready. It affects my sleep.
The thing is, there is an emotional aspect to sex for most people. I’m in the High Sex Drive category. In the past I have had boyfriends, ok one, who had a low to moderately questionable sex drive. He didn’t want to do it as much as I did and guess what, it hurt my feelings. Logically I know he was simply biologically different than the other sex fiends I had been (happily) involved with, but to be sexually aroused by someone who is only responsive every 17 days or so, it’s a mindfuck.
On the flip side, I’ve heard from my not so sexual friends, they sometimes feel obligated to have sex and it feels like a personal compromise which results in resentment and even sometimes, disgust with witnessing their partners sexual satisfaction.
So yes, you got a problem on your hands. A big one. I suppose you could try one of those open relationship things. I hear about them. They do work for some people. I don’t understand them. Personally, I think you have to be emotionally vapid to say ‘oh you want to have sex with me and you want me to emotionally support you, but you want to be free to get sex and emotional support from other women? Dirty horny women who know you’re DTF? (still loving that ridiculous Down To Fuck expression) OK babay, but I get the girlfriend title though right? Sounds good! Do you have any laundry for me to do?”
Not happening with this little lady.
Bottom line, isn’t sex the main reason we get involved in relationships? Or is that just me? The number one reason I want a boyfriend is to have an active sex life. I really believe that is true. I mean, I want someone to laugh with and emotional support and life advice and stuff but I can get that from people I’m not doin’ it with. The sex is what makes it different from a friendship. So I guess I’m saying, find someone with a similar sex drive. It’s just easier all around.
That’s the number one thing that lures me into a relationship, ease.
Matchmaker friend:“Kendra, what are you looking for in a guy/”
Me: “Consistent Sex and Ease”
Matchmaker friend:”Grow up”
Thanks for listening
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Beast: John Powers
Single men don’t complain about not getting laid… unless they’re ugly or fat they probably get as much as they want. It’s usually men in relationships who complain about a lack of sex.
You say the opposite is true, meaning you’re giving more than your man can handle. I’m gonna suspend my disbelief and go on as if this is true…
There must be several variables.
Perhaps he’s too tired. Maybe he drinks too much coffee during the day and the evenings find him exhausted. Maybe he works too hard at an overly-demanding job and has no time for stamina-building exercise.
Sex should be his top priority. He should work less hard and conserve energy for your insatiable bedroom antics.
It’s also possible that he’s no longer attracted to you. Sleeping with the same person over and over inevitably gets boring. It’s not your fault… you only have one vagina and you’re probably not learning any new moves.
Keep in mind that men reach their sexual peak between 18-25 years old. After that they start to get fat and lazy. They lose their hair (and some confidence with it). Women peak between 28-35. I’m guessing you’re in that range. Perhaps you need to find a younger man.
If not, there are ways to make your old man feel young again. You can tease him, try a role-play, or explore what turns him on. Try something you’ve never done. Bit his lower lip (hard enough to hurt but don’t draw blood). Maybe he’ll look at you in a new way.
Ask him what his problem is (in a nice way). If you’re not sexually satisfied, you may begin to resent him or look at him differently in other situations. The bottom line is your dude should want you, and you should find a frequency of sexual activity that keeps you both satisfied.
http://www.johnjpowers.com
facebook.com/ComicJohnPowers
@ComicJohnPowers… John’s parody of “Hey There Delilah”by the Plain White T’s is now available on iTunes. Click here to buy “Venereal Disease”
T
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Kendra, you’re right on with your advise this week. John, sorry. Better luck with next weeks question (hehehehe)
That’s why there’s two of us!
Thanks for asking (and reading)
Hello John and Kendra,
Long-time friend (of the misogynistic pig), first-time reader.
This is an interesting topic and discussion format. Let’s delve right in, shall we.
I’m a guy who has always had a moderate sex drive – once a week is fine with me. Any more than that is good, if you’re both in the mood. Forcing things is bad, regardless of what level sex drive you believe you have. A natural rhythm develops between you and your partner and both of you should be in tune with that rhythm. Sometimes it gets out of whack and one of or both of you have to step up and do something different, romantic, etc. Relationships (even purely sexual ones) take effort and communication.
More often, the point of sex is (should be?) sharing love between two people, not simply getting your rocks off. There is masturbation to cover that. Does that sound corny? It may. I’m a happily married 30 year-old. I just don’t want or need sex every day. I don’t want to speak for my wife, but we’ve talked and are on the same page. Being married really isn’t an issue. It’s “living together” that can cause issues. You share space, see each other every day, get on each others’ nerves, and work on different bodily schedules. What if one of you exercises after dinner and the other goes to bed early? That can eliminate sex time most weeknights. Communication is key. Not so much a set schedule, but knowing each other and knowing when your partner may need you/it/etc.
You have to know yourself and your partner (and if you’re going to be having sex, you should know the person well), and that makes everything easier. Being able to talk as a couple is a HUGE positive for every situation. Sometimes things are simply biological. Sometimes not. Some people have a low sex drive due to depression or a passionless job or a lack of exercise. Issues can be tough to deal with, but those things can be worked around or corrected – exercising regularly does help, though it eats into time when sex could be happening. Some people have a high sex drive because they’re compensating for something missing in their lives. Difficult for people to admit, but I find it to be true from friends I’ve spoken with honestly. It may be best that you help them work on that underlying issue rather than just setting a schedule. Try getting to know your partner in some place other than a bed. It can be done. It actually makes sex better, and it probably also improves your sex schedule. And, cuddling or sharing a laugh can be just as erotic to the soul as boning each others’ brains out. Sex is special, but it is not the end-all, be-all of a relationship. If it is for you, then I actually feel bad for you. You should probably take some alone time to think about your life. [This may all sound like I'm religious or an old fuddy-duddy, but I'm absolutely not. This has nothing to do with religion or anything like that.]
This topic can be discussed ad nauseum, but every good thing must come to a happy ending.