Beauty And The Beast, a weekly dating advice column with Kendra Cunningham and John Powers
Fan Mail Question of The Week:
My question is about the friend zone. I’m always stuck in the place where girls won’t date me because we’re so close friends that it would be awkward to date me. How do I get out of it? Is it possible to get out of the friend zone and how do you do it?
Talon from CT
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
The Friend Zone
The Friend Zone is so emasculating, for men and women. When you get stuck there it fucks with your confidence. Most people in the Friend Zone repress their feelings about it. Every once in a while someone talks but for the most part, members of the Friend Zone suffer in silence.
I have to be honest, I’ve been stuck in Friends with Benefits zone but Friend Zone, never. I’m too aggressive to not make a move. That being said, I don’t expect everybody to be like me (although the world would be a better place – insert smiley emoticon here), but I do think anybody who is unhappy because they aren’t getting what they want out of life, can change things by simply taking action.
So you’re in friend zone, you don’t want to be, what do you do? Force yourself to make a play. How? Talk about it. Tell him or her you’re attracted to them. EVERYBODY likes to know people find them attractive. EVERYBODY. You can say “I’ve always loved being around you but lately you’ve been looking REALLY good” and hope for the best. You can also get drunk and start flirting more than usual.
If you’re not a natural flirt, don’t go there. I’ve seen unnatural flirting and it’s a sure fire way to ruin your chances. You can always invite them somewhere that is obviously date town. A wedding. A romantic restaurant. A horse and buggy ride. Those sort of invites infer it’s a date without you having to say it. Then if they act weird and say no, you say “ok well, can I kiss you?” I kid.
Listen, there is no easy way to be vulnerable. It sucks. But it sucks more to never put yourself out there. Healthy relationships require vulnerability from both parties so you might as well get some practice in. That’s the other thing, the more you purposely put yourself in uncomfortable situations, the better you get at handling them. So read some affirmations, go for a run, listen to motivating music, in other words, strap some balls on and do it. Seriously, you’re confidence and self esteem will be grateful.
And hopefully your Johnson!
Thanks for listening
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The friend zone is a tough place to be if you’re interested in dating your friend. You’re looked at as a big brother. “He’s an amazing guy and he’s so good to me.” That’s all you’re ever gonna be. An amazing guy who masturbates a lot.
The only thing you can do is say something. “Hey, I like being friends, but I think we can be more.” She’s gonna say no. She likes it this way. She won’t even consider it. There’s no reason to. Right now you’re neatly organized and not a threat. Dating makes things complicated.
They say women decide in the first 5 minutes whether they’d have sex with you or not. You need to put that vibe out before she classifies you in the “not” category. Once the decision has been made, you’re done for. Let a woman know you’re attracted to her… right in the beginning. Let there be no mistaking it, but don’t come across as a total hornball. It need not be a blatent sexual remark to get your point across. Smile on one side of your mouth and look deeply into her eyes. That sometimes works.
Your best option is to use the friend zone to get other girls. It’s a great situation. You’ve got a girl out with you who is not your girlfriend, but she would gladly say what a great guy you are… and how you’ve never even touched her boobs. When you meet someone new, make it clear you want to boink her, not be friends… then use your reference, and make it happen.
- John Powers