Fan Mail Question of The Week
Dear Kendra & John,
“I’m an attractive man and lots of women want me, but I’m always looking for the next. The thought of the next girl’s boobs or blowjobs keeps me moving on. How do I know when I’ve found something good?”
- Dean, NYC
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
I wish you sent a picture with this question, Dean. Whenever I hear a man refer to himself as attractive, it’s a red flag. It already show’s you’re thinking on a superficial level. Listen, I can be superficial too, I’m not dissing you. It’s just that you’re asking a layered question from a one dimensional point of view. It’s like saying ‘I’m a pizza guy, I make good pizza. I want to be an Italian wine sommelier but I keep making these pizzas……” If you’re looking to women solely for blow jobs and boobs, you’ll never know when you found someone good. This is the thing that drives me crazy about men and women who struggle to find a good relationship, they don’t want to take any responsibility. You say the thought of another girls blow jobs or boobs keeps you moving on, that’s your decision buddy. It’s not like a stranger’s tits are taunting a whisper in your ear ‘hey, what’s up with that B cup rack you’re hanging out with? You deserve a D cup, don’t ya? Well? Don’t ya?”. Once you decide you want a companion not a conquest, things will change. This is what I like to do when I feel like I’m getting caught up in a frivolous situation. I make up scenarios where I would really need to depend on that person, I get hit by a train, I get framed for a murder, I accidently leak a painful secret about someone I care about, would this person I’m sexually involved with be my go to person?
You can have emotionally support relationships with great chemistry. They do exist. But just like EVERYTHING worthwhile, they take work. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Who likes that? The truth is, it is impossible to have a gratifying relationship without letting the other person get to know you, vulnerability and all. So next time you think you like someone and you want to stray, have a conversation. You don’t have to say ‘hey I saw a girl I think is better looking than you and I want to try to bang her so can you skedaddle ?” but you can say “I suck at staying in relationships and I want to be better at it. If you start to feel like I’m distant let me know’ or some direct bullshit like that. It’s feels weird to be honest with people but it really is the only way to build a valuable relationship.
Listen, I don’t think for a second that this blog entry is going to change you but maybe it’ll get you in your head more about what you really want from a relationship. When I was in my 20’s I was involved with a super hot guy off and on for about 8 years. I used to tease him because when we would break up he would always fool around with good looking girls with terrible style or horrible personalities. He would fully admit he liked them because they were good looking but mostly because they liked him. That’s the thing about new lovers, they always think the world of you because they don’t know your idiosyncrasies. Our egos love to be loved. But eventually people have to love you for you, quirks and all. I still talk to super hot guy but nothing physical has happened in years. I think we are both happier as friends. Sometimes it takes years to figure out how to make a relationship work so that both parties are happy but that is a whole other topic.
Point being, you can go through life having emotionally neglectful encounters with people or you can decide you want more. That doesn’t mean you don’t get the blowjobs and boobs, it just means you get that and a cherished friend.
Let’s hope that is the sappiest thing I say all month.
Thanks for listening
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
Dean, you’re never going to be satisfied until you decide to be. We all love boobs and blowjobs, but a lifetime of “what’s next?!” will ultimately be fun, exciting… and completely unfulfilling.
Everyone likes variety. If it were up to me, I’d have a different woman every night. I enjoy the thrill of the chase, and the fun of getting to know someone new sexually. Every woman has unique features and talents, and its fun to find out what they bring to the bedroom…
People say “you know when it’s right.” The way I look at it is… you’ll know when you’re ready. You might not be looking for something serious right now… it sounds like you still enjoy the game. There will come a day when you’ve had your fill of bimbos and blowjobs and decide you want something with substance.
I quote Bradley Nowell, “Life is too short, so love the one you got.” It’s true. Find someone without any ‘deal-breakers,’ who can keep you sexually satisfied. Go for the girl who can keep up in an intellectual conversation. Give it a real chance. You won’t know who could be the one until you give yourself to someone wholeheartedly.
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