Fan Mail Question of The Week
“My guy always has music playing when we get down and dirty. It’s fine with me but sometimes he’ll stop what he’s doing and do an air guitar or sing some stupid rap lyric, it drives me crazy. Like to the point where I might get out of bed, get dressed and leave. Like it could start a big fight. How do I tell my boyfriend he has an idiotic habit without calling him an idiot?”
Beauty: Kendra Cunningham
This is one of those rare situations where freaking the fuck out is probably going to be more effective than trying to have a conversation about it. Hear me out. You try to have a serious, impactful heart to heart that involves statements like “it bothers me that you play air guitar when I’m going down on you” “I don’t feel sexy when you play drums on my bum” or “you rapping naked, not an aphrodisiac”. You see how silly it sounds.
You know what he’s going to do? Laugh. Excuse me, laugh AND turn the karaoke foreplay up 7 notches.
Don’t bother with the mature approach to an immature situation, it never works. Go into each sexual situation thinking “One more time and I am OUTTA here.”
In my personal experience, men respond strongly to dramatic exhibitions of emotion.
One time I threw a steak and cheese sub out the window and for almost three weeks, my guy cowered around me. Not such a fuckable stance to take but far more empowering than the “we need to talk” conversation.
But honestly, don’t you want to take the fraidy cat approach and not address it at all? What’s wrong with a “I met someone” fib?
Deny and lie. It’s practically a family tradition.
That’s what I would do but I haven’t had sex in months so consider the source, my friend.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Beast: John Powers
The answer is simple… you don’t. If he’s having that much fun singing or strumming or whatever, why would you want to stop him from doing that? He obviously enjoys it. It would be cruel of you to take it away. It might seem idiotic to you but to him it’s interesting and playful. Get into it.
Once I dated a girl who insisted on showering before we did the doing it. At first I was annoyed because it occasionally killed the mood and spoiled the spontaneity. Then I thought better of it. She liked being clean… what’s wrong with that? Shouldn’t I prefer a woman without dingleberries?! Ok, it was 10 minutes between the arousal and the action… but I can deal with that.
In any healthy relationship, you need to allow your person to be who they are without feeling weird or uncomfortable. Appreciate his quirks and be glad that he is a special person. As soon as you tell this guy he looks dumb during sex, he will forever be self-conscious about it. Let the dude rock out. Sing the harmony.
You could stop the music… but then that fight you mention becomes imminent. Maybe this is all he knows. Maybe the first time he was with a woman the silence drove him mad. Maybe his thoughts during the deed are so perverse and twisted that he needs to focus on Nickelback so he doesn’t become Eminem.
Sometimes a good beat is helpful during intimacy. Music soothes the savage beast… and provides a great tempo for steady rhythm.
- John Powers
… John’s parody of “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s is now available on iTunes. Click here to buy “Venereal Disease”
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