Picture taken from www.Stuartngbooks.com

She is gorgeous. That’s all she is. I’ve tried to pretend she is an angel. But she has horns and has sorted me out in an elevator. That’s no angel bubbas. That’s something else. I get excited thinking of her. But she doesn’t think of me. Only when there is nothing else to do. That’s when the phone rings. And like a dummy I answer. “Maybe this is the night,” I think. We will continue were we left off. Instead I get left off. Off her radar.

Sure, I get other women. But she’s the one. The one that I want. The one that is wrong but feels right. The one that eats at the soul till there is nothing left to feel. The one that can excite a dead gay man. The one that makes you hate her and love her at the same time. I’ve waited for her for a long time. And I will have to keep waiting, because it’s moment has passed. Two weeks was it’s life span. That’s all it was meant to be. I’m just chasing a memory.

A Haiku by Maddog Mattern

I drink way too much
It is a whole lot of fun
Hangovers builds character

Fruit is real good bubbas
I eat apples a whole lot
I might live forever

The Title of This Poem is Actually Longer Than the Poem Itself

A Haiku by Maddog Mattern
We should stop wishing
it makes one dillusional
dreams rarely come true

Listen to Maddog Mattern’s “Dog In The Park” segment every Tuesday at 7pm on The Comedy Point with SOUL Joel on WIFI 1460 AM in South Jersey and Philadelphia or online at www.wifi1460am.com

Wall St. vs the 60’s
A Haiku by Maddog Mattern
Money comes and goes
It runs, hides, dissapears, comes back
It’s a lot like love

The Ultimate Hunt
A Haiku by Maddog Mattern
Chasing Skirt is Dope
Catching it is Even Better
Keeping it Impossible

Don’t forget to download The Comedy Point with Soul Joel on iTunes. SUBSCRIBE and DOWNLOAD for FREE by clicking here: http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/the-comedy-point-soul-joel/id345531973

Maddog Mattern!!! Changing it up with a Week's Worth of Haikus

Many people come, go
you are the one I miss most
but you, don’t exist

Damn it bubbas I love America but I am in love with the Russian women curlers. They are smokin’. The hottest blond supermodels I’ve ever seen on ice. And the token black haired ones look like part time espionage agents. Hotter than fish grease babies!!!! Denmark has a bunch of angels too. And there women are known freaks. I was with a girl from Denmark once who told me a story about banging a dude at a metal festival once and he was the worst lay she ever had. She was 14. I asked her if she meant looking back on it he was the most ineffective lover she had. No. Up to that POINT he was the worst she had. Let’s reiterate. She WAS 14. They get started early in Denmark. Great Danes indeed.

I love curling. Particularly the women. I want to marry a female curler. particularly the Swiss girl who looks like a goth. Not only does she shoot well, she looks like she forces her nieces and nephews to listen to “Bella Legosi is Dead,” over and over when babysitting. Rock it to me and sock it to me babies!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooooooo!!! She can push a forty pound rock while humming Joy Division songs. YeSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! I love European curlers.

Maddog's Future Wife

Curling is for beer drinkers with a day job. No caviar. Even for the Russian super models. Give them a Stella and a shot of goose and watch them knock Sidney Crosby (Canadian hockey player)’s teeth out of his goal-scoring head. These are real people playing a game they actually love. People are making fun of them but it doesn’t bother them. Why? Because love is blindness. You are blind to everything but what you love. They don’t see all the dummies making fun of curling. And using “” when describing them as athletes. These cats are too busy representing their country and game they love. And slowly converting us savages who where drawn to it because we saw a hot chick on the channel we were flipping through. I think the sport is honest and doesn’t take it’s self serious. And it’s full of my future ex-wives. Long live curling and long live passion. God bless you babies. Push that stone babies live the dream wooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Maddog Mattern appears on his segment “Dog in The Park” segment on The Comedy Point with SOUL Joel radio show Tuesdays at 7pm.
Listen on WTBQ 99.1 FM in Orange County
WMBS CBS Radio 590 AM in Uniontown PA
or online at www.TheComedyPoint.com

Damnit bubbas life used to be easy. You do something fun like play a sport. You get real good at it. You make some bosh (money) and marry a model. You know like a MGMT song. But alas Mr. Dylan was right times are changing. I was in a hotel after a gig watching tennis ( that’s right I’m classy). The match was between the beast Roger Federer and this Russian Davydanko. It was a shocker bucko. Not the match itself. Federer beat him like a jr high boy beats his meat. The real action was in the stands. Davydanko had a smoking fox of a girlfriend. This broad was the oppositte of Dante’s Inferno. 12 levels of heaven babies woooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that should be expected, tennis player get hot chicks. But here’s the thriller babies. Federer’s wife was criminally mediocre. Average Jane. Can you believe that? In this day and age an average looking broad from damned Sweden? But more importantly, Federer is probably the greatest tennis player ever. And the 8th ranked player has a fox compared to his chipmunk. Up is down babies and down is sideways.
Here’s the thing. Old school wisdom would have that Federer would have a broad so hot that the Goddess Aphrodite would hang her head in shame around her. But no. He’s above the superficial. Most of us think we wouldn’t. I’ve been telling anyone who’ll listen that in my forties I plan on banging 18-yr old supermodels on a bed of cash while eating lobster for breakfast. That seems to be the dream. But it’s not.

She's not 18 and that's not American money, but you get the picture!

Andre and Brooke

Andre and Steffi

Look, let’s get to the bottom of this. I am guilty of something. Bubbas, I am down with Lady Gaga. Don’t look at this blog with that tone mista!!!!!!!!!!! I’m coming clean because I have to babies. I downloader that “Bad Romance” and I am listening to it so much one could call it a soft addiction. That little ditty has more hooks than a fishing supply shop. Pure, sinister, pop bliss. All them songs have a swagger and ballsyness, yet delicate song structure and melody. She is a songstress my friend. Sweet genato bubbas!!!!

You know what I like best about her babies? I don’t feel she really excists. She is constantly in different costume. She goes by a nickname, even when not in costume she looks like she’s from another planet. Hell she might have a mountain peeking through the valley ( a penis). No one knows!!!!!!!! She is a damned mystery babies. And that is what is so great. Everyone pretends to be real. “Take me for who I am,” is what alot of these “sincere” people scream. If one brags about being real they are usually as phony as Eazy E’s gold tooth (rip). Gaga is phony. And that’s what makes her sincere. She never pretends to be who she is, because she probably doesn’t know who the hell she is. And neither do any of us. I’m supposedly a nice dude. Full of respect and kindness for others. At the same time I have done hideously shallow acts to people that is inexcusable. So am I good or bad? The answer me buckos……… I am a work in progress. Whore, hellion, saint and preacher all in one. Like the Verve said “I’m a million different people from one day to the next.” Gaga embraces that ethos and damn it bubbas she entertains us while doing so. Ladies and gentlemen that is an artist. And may I add a “real” artist. There is no limitation to her, because she plays by her own rules. I bet she fills out her taxes with glitter and/or goat blood. Not because she’s trying to be different, but because “why not?” Why can’t she? Why must we play by rules? Life is just a fantasy anyway.

Enjoy the ride babies. Figure yourself out while you go because there’s no rules to life. The party can end tonight, or last forever. Don’t be a slave to the same note. This party has a soundtrack. That soundtrack is jazz. It’s gonna keep changing, keep up or shut up. That’s the buzz babies, that’s the gottdamn dream!!!! Long live mystery and long live the lady. I hope she keeps us shaking our heads, blushing and smiling constantly. And I hope she keeps herself doing all three. Viva Gaga wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(look I still listen to Sabbath so calm down captain, wooowooooowooooooo!!!!!)