Picture taken from www.Stuartngbooks.com

She is gorgeous. That’s all she is. I’ve tried to pretend she is an angel. But she has horns and has sorted me out in an elevator. That’s no angel bubbas. That’s something else. I get excited thinking of her. But she doesn’t think of me. Only when there is nothing else to do. That’s when the phone rings. And like a dummy I answer. “Maybe this is the night,” I think. We will continue were we left off. Instead I get left off. Off her radar.

Sure, I get other women. But she’s the one. The one that I want. The one that is wrong but feels right. The one that eats at the soul till there is nothing left to feel. The one that can excite a dead gay man. The one that makes you hate her and love her at the same time. I’ve waited for her for a long time. And I will have to keep waiting, because it’s moment has passed. Two weeks was it’s life span. That’s all it was meant to be. I’m just chasing a memory.

A Haiku by Maddog Mattern

I drink way too much
It is a whole lot of fun
Hangovers builds character

Maddog Mattern!!! Changing it up with a Week's Worth of Haikus

Many people come, go
you are the one I miss most
but you, don’t exist

Look, let’s get to the bottom of this. I am guilty of something. Bubbas, I am down with Lady Gaga. Don’t look at this blog with that tone mista!!!!!!!!!!! I’m coming clean because I have to babies. I downloader that “Bad Romance” and I am listening to it so much one could call it a soft addiction. That little ditty has more hooks than a fishing supply shop. Pure, sinister, pop bliss. All them songs have a swagger and ballsyness, yet delicate song structure and melody. She is a songstress my friend. Sweet genato bubbas!!!!

You know what I like best about her babies? I don’t feel she really excists. She is constantly in different costume. She goes by a nickname, even when not in costume she looks like she’s from another planet. Hell she might have a mountain peeking through the valley ( a penis). No one knows!!!!!!!! She is a damned mystery babies. And that is what is so great. Everyone pretends to be real. “Take me for who I am,” is what alot of these “sincere” people scream. If one brags about being real they are usually as phony as Eazy E’s gold tooth (rip). Gaga is phony. And that’s what makes her sincere. She never pretends to be who she is, because she probably doesn’t know who the hell she is. And neither do any of us. I’m supposedly a nice dude. Full of respect and kindness for others. At the same time I have done hideously shallow acts to people that is inexcusable. So am I good or bad? The answer me buckos……… I am a work in progress. Whore, hellion, saint and preacher all in one. Like the Verve said “I’m a million different people from one day to the next.” Gaga embraces that ethos and damn it bubbas she entertains us while doing so. Ladies and gentlemen that is an artist. And may I add a “real” artist. There is no limitation to her, because she plays by her own rules. I bet she fills out her taxes with glitter and/or goat blood. Not because she’s trying to be different, but because “why not?” Why can’t she? Why must we play by rules? Life is just a fantasy anyway.

Enjoy the ride babies. Figure yourself out while you go because there’s no rules to life. The party can end tonight, or last forever. Don’t be a slave to the same note. This party has a soundtrack. That soundtrack is jazz. It’s gonna keep changing, keep up or shut up. That’s the buzz babies, that’s the gottdamn dream!!!! Long live mystery and long live the lady. I hope she keeps us shaking our heads, blushing and smiling constantly. And I hope she keeps herself doing all three. Viva Gaga wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(look I still listen to Sabbath so calm down captain, wooowooooowooooooo!!!!!)

Look, I’ve changed my life. I eat healthy now. I’m no hippie but eating well makes me feel better. Which also makes me perform better on stage. It also has helped me score more chicas, hollllllllerrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!! That’s all that matters babies. I owe it all to vegetables. <!–more–>That’s right. Them mostly green bastards have kept me trim and in shape for the girlies. They also are a great conversation piece. Most girls love veggies and will talk your ear off about which one’s they like. Let’s get you prepared for that talk with my rankings of the vegetables. ( Sorry but I can’t write about getting groped in taxi cabs every week bubbas. Maybe next time).

1) Asparagus: These dudes took me awhile to get on board with, but babies they got more character than a method actor. When I throw down some asparagus not only do I feel fit as a fiddle. I feel as fit as Charlie Daniels fiddle ( I don’t know if you know this but the devil did go down to Georgia and Charlie’s fiddle was there to report on it. GET SOME!!!) And by the way, I don’t think it makes your pee smell funny. Enough with this hack nonsense!!!! How do you notice? Do people put there shnazzin the toliet after a leak and then take notes? Pee doesn’t smell good. PERIOD!!! It’s leaving your body for a reason. And that reason: it is waste now!!!! It doesn’t matter if it is from Asparagus or from fresh orange juice squeezed by angels. So get over it dude.

2) Beets: By the time you’re done eating them it looks like you were in the shower scene in “Carrie.” Gotta love any food that leaves your plate looking like a crime scene. I like to eat them with a rare steak then leave the plate in the kitchen and hear the screams of my roomates as they think they have walked into an episode of “Dexter.”

3) Cauliflower. Underated. Has been losing a lifetime battle to fellow afro’ed veggie broccolli. Well that’s horsepiss!!!! Every restaurant in America has been shoveling broccolli down our throats as it’s seasonal vegetable for years. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! Now, I got nothing against the hulk of veggies. But babies, not only does cauliflower taste good, it looks like something a polar bear would take a nap under ( that is if the polar bear was two inches tall. Maybe a Gummi Polar Bear). And it tastes so gangsta raw.

4) Green Squash: Bad name. Sounds like an indoor lacrosse team name. “We are the Santa Clara Green Squash yeahhhh!!!” But, does it taste good? Y’ damn right it does. Plus it makes you poop less than yellow squash. ( I’m just talking here. Don’t shoot the messenger)
5) Carrots: When you bite down on them it sounds like the hit LT made on Joe Theisman. Plus they make your eyesight better. I ate a whole bag of baby carrots on New Years day between gigs. While on stage the second show I swear I could see through a girl’s top. TOUCHDOWN!!!!

6) Green bean caserole: Alters my life every Christmas. My aunt makes this baller dish. It’s full of cheese and some crunchy stuff. It looks like “Swamp Thing.” but tastes like eternal sunshine ( tha’ts right I’m running out of things to say, but I’m trying damn it!!! Stop judgeing me. I’m just as God MADE ME!!!!)

7) Lettuce: Does it’s job.

8)Corn: When it’s sweet I’m in. On the cob, it is a bit of work. If it’s creamed, I know my belly will have more bubbles than a spa.

9)Celery:Tastes all right. But It looks like it’s strung out on H. If it looked better I feel it would be more popular.

10)Brussel Sprouts: Can kiss my ass!!!!!! I will ban them if I ever get in office. That office might only be commissioner of a little League. Well, I promise you that my little baseballers won’t be eating these nasty buggers. UGHHHHHH!!!!! Pops forced me to eat 10 in one seating once. It’s had more of a negative effect on me then the time I watched a snuff film. NO GOOD,BUBBAS. NO GOOD. The horror, the horror.

This was fun. I’m sure I lost most of you in the first paragragh. For those who stayed untill then end. Nice. Don’t worry I’m going to drink tonight so I can get in some scandal. Hopefully I say something unappropiate to a girl and then she smacks me. Luckily, it won’t hurt because I am strong as an ox from these gott damn veggies I eat. Now that will be a blog!! Live the dream babies. Life is just a fantasy, can you live this fantasy life? You damn right I can. WOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the buzz.

If my week back home in Vegas had a baseball card this would be it’s stats. Here we go team BAMMMM!!!!!!!!

Guys dressed like Cedric the Entertainer at BoyZ 2 Men concert: (sadly only 1)

Penis hungry cougars ………accompanied by their daughters at same concert: way more than one bubbas. Way more woooooooowooooooowooooooo!!!!!

Nights I drank: every single one baby!!!!!

Amount of Vodka drank: enough to kill an umpa loompa

Hangovers: 1 ( thank god for a chaser of water, Alleve, and Vitamin water. A great trio)

Times my grandfather called me by the wrong relatives name: Surprisingly zero. (way to go pops)

Times pops almost got us killed drivingback from the airport: two in thirty seconds. OUCHIE-Cakes!!!

The way I tried to get him to let me drive without killing his confidence: “Wow, I haven’t driven in a while. I miss it.
It was fun. Wow It sure would be nice to drive again.

Times that worked (scaringly) None

Money I lost playing poker on Christmas eve: $20

Money I was given to play poker on said night: $20 (That’s right I was comped by the house cuz’ I’m a high-roller son)

Times I said the c word after losing that comped money playing poker: Only 5 (there were women present)

Cookies I ate: approxiametely 100 in three days (had to make up for lost time baby)

Times I pooped each day after consuming so many cookies: 4!!!( and that’s with an ounce of Pepto in my belly. UGGHHHHH!!!!!)

Stories my mom told me that envolved reality shows and those kookie Kardashins: I swear every damn one. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Times I shrugged when Mom talked to me about Bruce Jenner taking viagra on Kardashins show: Let’s just say alot.

Percentage of people who look like they were on meth or in the cast of the movie “Boys Don’t Cry” : 85.

Percentage of girls that looked like they were on baby number 3, and husband number 2 and birthday 21: way over 50 bubbas. ( Yes this is my home town)

Number of butt cheeks the one black guy in the bar sat on while my red-neck friends screamed along to David Allen Cole songs: One ( can’t say I blamed him. Them hillbillies were scary)

Times I got laid: 0 ( ow well can’t win them all)

Times masterbated: Twice

Location of were I punched the penguin: the shower ( owed to my grandparents to not shoot anymore glue on their carpet. I did too much damage in high school……and college………and a couple years after college. Man I’m a horrible dude!!!!!!)

Marriages my 18 year old cousin is on: 2 ( Elizabeth Taylor might have competition)

Family members who have been to the clink (prison): enough to make my grandparents house on x’mas eve look like a cast reunion for “Oz.”

Is this Maddog's Family??

Times I smiled because I was having the time of my life hanging with family and friends: I lost count after a thousand. I had a blast. It was truly a delight and I hope to see everyone again next year. This was the life. This was the buzz wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BONUS
Times I ripped off Bill Simmons in this blog: I think once but It’s too late to start over. Sorry dude woopsie doopsie and a bottle of boopsie!!!

Written by Maddog Mattern!!!