Look, I’ve changed my life. I eat healthy now. I’m no hippie but eating well makes me feel better. Which also makes me perform better on stage. It also has helped me score more chicas, hollllllllerrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!! That’s all that matters babies. I owe it all to vegetables. <!–more–>That’s right. Them mostly green bastards have kept me trim and in shape for the girlies. They also are a great conversation piece. Most girls love veggies and will talk your ear off about which one’s they like. Let’s get you prepared for that talk with my rankings of the vegetables. ( Sorry but I can’t write about getting groped in taxi cabs every week bubbas. Maybe next time).

1) Asparagus: These dudes took me awhile to get on board with, but babies they got more character than a method actor. When I throw down some asparagus not only do I feel fit as a fiddle. I feel as fit as Charlie Daniels fiddle ( I don’t know if you know this but the devil did go down to Georgia and Charlie’s fiddle was there to report on it. GET SOME!!!) And by the way, I don’t think it makes your pee smell funny. Enough with this hack nonsense!!!! How do you notice? Do people put there shnazzin the toliet after a leak and then take notes? Pee doesn’t smell good. PERIOD!!! It’s leaving your body for a reason. And that reason: it is waste now!!!! It doesn’t matter if it is from Asparagus or from fresh orange juice squeezed by angels. So get over it dude.

2) Beets: By the time you’re done eating them it looks like you were in the shower scene in “Carrie.” Gotta love any food that leaves your plate looking like a crime scene. I like to eat them with a rare steak then leave the plate in the kitchen and hear the screams of my roomates as they think they have walked into an episode of “Dexter.”

3) Cauliflower. Underated. Has been losing a lifetime battle to fellow afro’ed veggie broccolli. Well that’s horsepiss!!!! Every restaurant in America has been shoveling broccolli down our throats as it’s seasonal vegetable for years. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! Now, I got nothing against the hulk of veggies. But babies, not only does cauliflower taste good, it looks like something a polar bear would take a nap under ( that is if the polar bear was two inches tall. Maybe a Gummi Polar Bear). And it tastes so gangsta raw.

4) Green Squash: Bad name. Sounds like an indoor lacrosse team name. “We are the Santa Clara Green Squash yeahhhh!!!” But, does it taste good? Y’ damn right it does. Plus it makes you poop less than yellow squash. ( I’m just talking here. Don’t shoot the messenger)
5) Carrots: When you bite down on them it sounds like the hit LT made on Joe Theisman. Plus they make your eyesight better. I ate a whole bag of baby carrots on New Years day between gigs. While on stage the second show I swear I could see through a girl’s top. TOUCHDOWN!!!!

6) Green bean caserole: Alters my life every Christmas. My aunt makes this baller dish. It’s full of cheese and some crunchy stuff. It looks like “Swamp Thing.” but tastes like eternal sunshine ( tha’ts right I’m running out of things to say, but I’m trying damn it!!! Stop judgeing me. I’m just as God MADE ME!!!!)

7) Lettuce: Does it’s job.

8)Corn: When it’s sweet I’m in. On the cob, it is a bit of work. If it’s creamed, I know my belly will have more bubbles than a spa.

9)Celery:Tastes all right. But It looks like it’s strung out on H. If it looked better I feel it would be more popular.

10)Brussel Sprouts: Can kiss my ass!!!!!! I will ban them if I ever get in office. That office might only be commissioner of a little League. Well, I promise you that my little baseballers won’t be eating these nasty buggers. UGHHHHHH!!!!! Pops forced me to eat 10 in one seating once. It’s had more of a negative effect on me then the time I watched a snuff film. NO GOOD,BUBBAS. NO GOOD. The horror, the horror.

This was fun. I’m sure I lost most of you in the first paragragh. For those who stayed untill then end. Nice. Don’t worry I’m going to drink tonight so I can get in some scandal. Hopefully I say something unappropiate to a girl and then she smacks me. Luckily, it won’t hurt because I am strong as an ox from these gott damn veggies I eat. Now that will be a blog!! Live the dream babies. Life is just a fantasy, can you live this fantasy life? You damn right I can. WOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the buzz.