You gotta hand it to MTV. Every annual VMA Show seems to be even more bizarre and ridiculous than the last. But this year, the tomfoolery began before the VMAs even started, as we were treated to a brand new episode of Jersey Shore. This episode boasted of a fight between Mike “The Situation” and Ronnie, which could have easily gone down in history as “The Fight Of The Century”. The amount of violence in this drunken brawl could have easily surpassed that of even the most bloody fights, such as Ali v. Frazier, Brown v. The Board of Education, Ron Artest v. That One Pistons Fan, and, of course, Chris Brown v. Rihanna (shown below).

Imagine how shocked I was when the fight didn’t live up to the hype (what a surprise).  Right after that goofy dolt Mike the Situation decided to slam his head into a 600 year old Italian wall, “Mike vs. Ronnie” quickly turned into “Mike vs. House”, and Sitch was knocked unconscious within seconds. All of a sudden, the Guidos started crying and, soon enough, there was more water running down their cheeks than there is in my basement (thanks, Irene).  The tears even seemed to smudge Snooki’s famous orange glow, which is unfortunate because I know how much time she spends rolling around in Cheetos to maintain that color (I’m secretly convinced that she does this).

After Jersey Shore, it was time for the VMA red carpet pre-show… er, I mean BLACK CARPET pre-show, because red carpets are too mainstream and MTV is so CUTTING EDGE that their red carpet needs to be a BLACK CARPET. Anyway, this was about the point in the night where my power decided that it wanted to go out, so I was left completely in the dark with no source of entertainment. Ever since that blackout, I— I haven’t been the same since. Oh god. The sheer horror, you can’t even imagine. My life became a warzone, like Vietnam. Ever since that day… whenever I close my eyes, I see Charlie hiding in the darkness, ready to pounce. Not that you could even see those barbarians, mind you. They were fast, ruthless, and knew their way around the jungle. I remember the looks on the boy’s faces… oh Jesus. I shouldn’t think about that now. Sometimes I still hear Tex’s slow southern drawl. I remember the smell of Brooklyn’s cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now… I know that. It’s– it’s just that I forget sometimes. And whenever the lights go out… it makes me think. Sets me on edge. And I feel like I’m back there… In the jungle… In the darkness.

Oh yeah, the VMAs.

So the power turns back on and I see Ralph Macchio’s character from “The Outsiders” singing while the dude from Queen (not Freddy Mercury, he died) plays the guitar. I’m still shocked that MTV not only booked Ralph Macchio, but got him to reprise his role as Ponyboy Curtis while he performed Lady Gaga’s songs and acted like Lady Gaga for the whole night.


Ralph Macchio’s carried on the role of his career the entire night, even presenting Britney Spears with the Michael Jackson Memorial “Video Vangaurd” Lifetime Achievement Award. Because, let’s face it, when you hear the words “Lifetime Achievement Award”, the first person that comes to mind is ALWAYS Britney Spears, the 29 year-old girl who married Kevin Federline. Shockingly, Britney chose not to lip-synch her acceptance speech, but DID decline Ralph Macchio’s offer to kiss him (NOBODY turns down Ponyboy Curtis). Spears finished up her speech by introducing Beyonce, who finished HER stage time by introducing the fetus living in her stomach to husband Jay-Z and friend Kanye West while clutching her belly and screaming, “I’m Pregnant!”.

Speaking of Mr. West, he broke his own record of “Most VMA Interruptions” during his acceptance speech by first interrupting Katy Perry (who warned him not to interrupt her), and then interrupting HIMSELF mid-speech to remind everyone how much he enjoyed Chris Brown’s “Look At Me Now” video.

While we’re on the subject of Zooey Deschanel look-alike Katy Perry, also won the Video of the Year award for “Firework”, and decided right before her acceptance speech would be the perfect time to latch a huge block of cheese onto her head so she’d look like a Green Bay Packers fan or something.

On a totally unrelated note, Chris Brown also flew above the audience while lip-synching “Beautiful People”. Just throwing that out there. This actually happened.

BRUNO MARS performed, in tribute to Amy Whinehouse. Tyler “Looks like an innocent 5 year old but raps about killing people” The Creator and the rest of Odd Future looked on like they wanted to stab Mars in the esophagus, just like Tyler claims he will in almost all of his songs. JUSTIN BIEBER showed up looking like she had raided Rachel Maddow’s wardrobe. When Bieber won her award, she thanked God, AND… wait for it… JESUS (Big surprise!). Then she babbled on about her snake named Johnson that she likes to play with (nope, nothing perverted about that). The show needed some real saving. At this point, the only thing that could make it gayer is if they started handing out the Tony awards.

But, there would be no saving, as not even a guest appearance by Paul Rudd and his voluptuous mistress Rick Ross couldn’t save the show. Count in Nicki Minaj dressing like she shops at Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory (shown above), a god-awful segment with Cloris Leachman and the girls of “Jersey Shore”, and the fact that nobody could understand what Lil Wayne was saying during his performance, and I think this may be one of the worst awards shows we’ve seen in a mighty long time. Not even Adele resisting the urge to eat a cheeseburger during her performance could redeem it! Forget Hurricane Irene, MTV’S VMA show was this weekend’s worst disaster!

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That’s it for me, folks. I do actually listen to music while I write, so, before I go, here’s a list of songs I listened to as I typed this up: “The Lazy Song” – Bruno Mars; “Dirt Off Your Shoulder”- Jay-Z; “Seventeen” – Red Jumpsuit Apparatus; “Frick Park Market” – Mac Miller; “Haunt You Everyday” – Weezer; “Miss Jackson” – Outkast;  “Viva La Vida” – Coldplay;  “Murder Murder” – Eminem; “Break My Heart” – Estelle feat. Rick Ross; “Mr. Brightside” – The Killers; “She Will” – Lil Wayne feat. Drake; “Fireman” Lil Wayne; “The Best Day” – Taylor Swift; “All of the Lights” – Kanye West; “Lucifer” – Jay-Z; “Martians vs. Goblins” – Game feat. Lil Wayne and Tyler, the Creator; “Your Love” – Nicki Minaj; “Best I Ever Had” – Drake; “Holiday” – Green Day; “Respect My Conglomerate” – Busta Rhymes feat. Lil Wayne and Jadakiss; “405″ – Death Cab for Cutie; “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)” – Jay-Z; “She Will Be Loved” – Maroon 5; “Run This Town” – Jay –Z feat. Kanye West and Rihanna; “Sky Might Fall”- Kid Cudi; “Erase Me” – Kid Cudi feat. Kanye West; “Why I Love You” – Kanye West, Jay-Z, and Mr. Hudson; “Jesus of Suburbia” – Green Day; “Beverly Hills” – Weezer; “The Remake of a Remake (All I Need)” – Wale; “American Boy” – Estelle feat. Kanye West and Busta Rhymes; “Undead” – Hollywood Undead; “Don’t Trust Me” – 3OH!3; “I Will Buy You A New Life” – Everclear; “She’s A Lady” – Forever The Sickest Kids; “Stadium Arcadium” – Red Hot Chili Peppers; “Hello, Good Morning” – Diddy Dirty Money, Nicki Minaj, and Rick Ross; “Don’t Stop Believin” – Journey

FIN

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Ahhh, the animals are out tonight. A basehead that looks like Quest Love with a beard that hasn’t touched soap since Bush was in his first term is searching for rocks on third avenue. His eyes are menacing like Pennywise’s in “IT.”A mugging would be a good score for him but he can’t. The law is around. He walks by four cops in a huddle on fifth who aren’t protecting. They are hunting. For each other. Two males. Two females. A thousand hormones. The males want to bang the females so they can have something to brag about to the “boys.” The females want to bang the males so they can feel like they are apart of the “boys.”
At the corner of sixth several cabs desperately slow down and beg me to jump in. When I say no they call me a tease and tell me where to stick it. Where are they when I am waving and need them? On seventh walks a transvestite with face full of make up that would make Tammy Fae Baker jealous. There’s enough ectasy in her/him that she/he doesn’t remeber that there is a penis between those two stumbling legs. A few steps later the bridge and tunnel posse are dressed like classy losers in a Lady Gaga look-a-like contest. They are looking for food and someone to yell at after leaving a hot spot in the meatpacking district. Soon these two Cinderellas will realize it’s past midnight and that there pumpkin chariot will only take them to work somewhere down the shore. Thugs are all over. They are only pea cocking tonight. It’s too nice out to actually work.

The weather is fantastic. Depending on who you ask it’s a warm winter or a cool spring. And depending on who you ask it’s a late Sunday evening or a way too early Monday morn. It doesn’t matter. It’s perfect. No matter who you ask it’s 14th street in Manhattan. And babies walking it right now sure beats a kick in the ass.

Look, let’s get to the bottom of this. I am guilty of something. Bubbas, I am down with Lady Gaga. Don’t look at this blog with that tone mista!!!!!!!!!!! I’m coming clean because I have to babies. I downloader that “Bad Romance” and I am listening to it so much one could call it a soft addiction. That little ditty has more hooks than a fishing supply shop. Pure, sinister, pop bliss. All them songs have a swagger and ballsyness, yet delicate song structure and melody. She is a songstress my friend. Sweet genato bubbas!!!!

You know what I like best about her babies? I don’t feel she really excists. She is constantly in different costume. She goes by a nickname, even when not in costume she looks like she’s from another planet. Hell she might have a mountain peeking through the valley ( a penis). No one knows!!!!!!!! She is a damned mystery babies. And that is what is so great. Everyone pretends to be real. “Take me for who I am,” is what alot of these “sincere” people scream. If one brags about being real they are usually as phony as Eazy E’s gold tooth (rip). Gaga is phony. And that’s what makes her sincere. She never pretends to be who she is, because she probably doesn’t know who the hell she is. And neither do any of us. I’m supposedly a nice dude. Full of respect and kindness for others. At the same time I have done hideously shallow acts to people that is inexcusable. So am I good or bad? The answer me buckos……… I am a work in progress. Whore, hellion, saint and preacher all in one. Like the Verve said “I’m a million different people from one day to the next.” Gaga embraces that ethos and damn it bubbas she entertains us while doing so. Ladies and gentlemen that is an artist. And may I add a “real” artist. There is no limitation to her, because she plays by her own rules. I bet she fills out her taxes with glitter and/or goat blood. Not because she’s trying to be different, but because “why not?” Why can’t she? Why must we play by rules? Life is just a fantasy anyway.

Enjoy the ride babies. Figure yourself out while you go because there’s no rules to life. The party can end tonight, or last forever. Don’t be a slave to the same note. This party has a soundtrack. That soundtrack is jazz. It’s gonna keep changing, keep up or shut up. That’s the buzz babies, that’s the gottdamn dream!!!! Long live mystery and long live the lady. I hope she keeps us shaking our heads, blushing and smiling constantly. And I hope she keeps herself doing all three. Viva Gaga wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(look I still listen to Sabbath so calm down captain, wooowooooowooooooo!!!!!)