If my week back home in Vegas had a baseball card this would be it’s stats. Here we go team BAMMMM!!!!!!!!

Guys dressed like Cedric the Entertainer at BoyZ 2 Men concert: (sadly only 1)

Penis hungry cougars ………accompanied by their daughters at same concert: way more than one bubbas. Way more woooooooowooooooowooooooo!!!!!

Nights I drank: every single one baby!!!!!

Amount of Vodka drank: enough to kill an umpa loompa

Hangovers: 1 ( thank god for a chaser of water, Alleve, and Vitamin water. A great trio)

Times my grandfather called me by the wrong relatives name: Surprisingly zero. (way to go pops)

Times pops almost got us killed drivingback from the airport: two in thirty seconds. OUCHIE-Cakes!!!

The way I tried to get him to let me drive without killing his confidence: “Wow, I haven’t driven in a while. I miss it.
It was fun. Wow It sure would be nice to drive again.

Times that worked (scaringly) None

Money I lost playing poker on Christmas eve: $20

Money I was given to play poker on said night: $20 (That’s right I was comped by the house cuz’ I’m a high-roller son)

Times I said the c word after losing that comped money playing poker: Only 5 (there were women present)

Cookies I ate: approxiametely 100 in three days (had to make up for lost time baby)

Times I pooped each day after consuming so many cookies: 4!!!( and that’s with an ounce of Pepto in my belly. UGGHHHHH!!!!!)

Stories my mom told me that envolved reality shows and those kookie Kardashins: I swear every damn one. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Times I shrugged when Mom talked to me about Bruce Jenner taking viagra on Kardashins show: Let’s just say alot.

Percentage of people who look like they were on meth or in the cast of the movie “Boys Don’t Cry” : 85.

Percentage of girls that looked like they were on baby number 3, and husband number 2 and birthday 21: way over 50 bubbas. ( Yes this is my home town)

Number of butt cheeks the one black guy in the bar sat on while my red-neck friends screamed along to David Allen Cole songs: One ( can’t say I blamed him. Them hillbillies were scary)

Times I got laid: 0 ( ow well can’t win them all)

Times masterbated: Twice

Location of were I punched the penguin: the shower ( owed to my grandparents to not shoot anymore glue on their carpet. I did too much damage in high school……and college………and a couple years after college. Man I’m a horrible dude!!!!!!)

Marriages my 18 year old cousin is on: 2 ( Elizabeth Taylor might have competition)

Family members who have been to the clink (prison): enough to make my grandparents house on x’mas eve look like a cast reunion for “Oz.”

Is this Maddog's Family??

Times I smiled because I was having the time of my life hanging with family and friends: I lost count after a thousand. I had a blast. It was truly a delight and I hope to see everyone again next year. This was the life. This was the buzz wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BONUS
Times I ripped off Bill Simmons in this blog: I think once but It’s too late to start over. Sorry dude woopsie doopsie and a bottle of boopsie!!!

Written by Maddog Mattern!!!

The best that can happen is shacking up with and/or knocking up one of her friends. But she can easily trump that by hooking up with the weird awkward guy in your group (every group has one). Or worse yet she can just show up at a social event you’re at with a guy a million leagues ahead of you. Like an astronaut or Tom Brady. Check-mate bubbas check mate. Revenge ain’t a man’s game. Woman are Mike Jordan in the revenge game and we are Kurt Rambis. We play with heart but in the end we lack the drive and cunning to consistently be good at it. But I’m here to tell ya babies that every dog has it’s day.

There are exceptions to the rules. And The greatest exception is……… Lindsay Buckingham. That’s right bubbas the guitarist and singer of Fleetwood Mac. Now You are probably wondering why I would even mention a singer of a pop band who’s had a perm for 3 decades like Lindsay Buckingham in a Maddog column. TAKE IT EASY BABIES!!!!!! It will all make sense in a minute. Let’s go back to a little place we call the seventies. Fleetwood Mac were on the upswing. They just had a big hit with “Rhiannon.” They are in the studio recording the legendary album “Rumors.” The problem was know one at the time knew it was legendary. The band was too busy watching their lives get shredded like mozzerela cheese in the back of a deli. Lindsay and his girl Stevie Knicks (the bands singer) were in utter shambles. While recording the album Stevie started to shack up with Mick Fleetwood. That’s right the band’s drummer. Business is about to pick up.

Not only did poor Lindsey have to smell the forbidden fruits of the woman he loved on his bandmates fingers, he also smelled it on his drum sticks. The humanity babies the humanitY!!! So, what did poor Lindsey do? I’ll tell you what he didn’t do. He didn’t try to kill himself or quit the band like many dudes would do in that situation. He manned up carnal. HE MANNED UP SON!!!!!!!!!! Not only did he write a revenge song about her, he made her sing on it. That song is a little ditty called “Go Your Own Way.” It was a huge hit, and it can be found on classic rock radio just about every damn hour. Now let’s pretend we’re coach Pat Riley and take a 20 second time-out for a second. THINK ABOUT THIS!!!!! This is one of the biggest songs ever!!! It is about a fillandering hussy and it is co-sung by the philandering hussy. Stevie wronged her man and now has to not only remind herself that, but she also has to remind an arena full of people that every night!!!! WOW!!!

On stage Lindsey looks at his ex-mate with a look full of more venom than a cobra and tells her to pack her coke spoon and roll. And the whole arena knows he’s singing it to her. You know what’s better than that? She is singing it too herself. Every night she is telling her self to take a hike. And there’s no way to avoid it. That song must be played every night. Every stinkin night Lindsay makes her admit in front of StrangerS that she is a harlot. Cold blooded son Cold blooded woooooo!!! Unbelievable.

That is how you get revenge babies and bubbas. Write a rock anthem about your whorish partner, and then make them sing backing vocals on it. The rest of their lives and everyone else’s will be told of their treacherous ways. Mad love to Lindsey. Girlie name. Manliy actions. That is the life babies. THAT is the buzz. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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