It was rainy and it was Wednesday – usually a tough combination. But this was no ordinary rainy Wednesday for me; I was shadowing Soul Joel Richardson on his speaking engagement at Lavelle Prep, a brand new charter school in Staten Island, NY.

We were met and ushered into Mr. Winik’s classroom to wait for our time. It seemed different right away. The desks weren’t in perfect rows. In fact, one student was hiding under a box in the corner. Book bags and coats were kind of tossed around. And there was more open discussion than there was hand raising. <!–more–>

The loose format didn’t mean that the kids weren’t engaged. They were learning how to build a bibliography using Microsoft Word. This is something I, myself; do not know how to do. They were also using laptop computers. That’s right; students had a notebook-sized computer in front of them.

I felt old. I didn’t own a computer until I had already graduated high school. But I was also happy to see this kind of progressive thought. In a time when all you hear about is budget cuts for education, it was great to see people doing something new and innovative.

With a changing world there should be changing education. It looked like it was working.

A pair of “Career Day Ambassadors” wearing sashes that said as such escorted us from Mr. Winik’s class. They seemed like old-fashioned Hall Monitors until they recited a prepared greeting and shook our hands like adults. You could tell that Joel was impressed. How could he not be?

Soul Joel’s presentation to about twenty sixth-graders had the same relaxed tone as the other class. He won their attention when they found out that he was a comedian and comedy show producer. After all, spending class time listening to someone paid to entertain is no real chore. It wasn’t as if he was there to talk about his accounting practice.

“Make us laugh!!!” and “Say something funny!!!” were heard from the mob. As well as, “Don’t hold back on the inappropriate stuff. We know the deal!” from a little girl in the back of the room.

But Joel did hold back on the inappropriate stuff and got some clean laughs instead. He talked about how his comedy business, Soul Joel Productions, his radio show, The Comedy Point, and his struggles with weight, FarRunningFatMan.com.

He also talked about setting goals. Having just celebrated his first full year in business, Joel now needed a new one-year goal to go along with his three and five year plans. His overall message is that you can get what you want in life if you work hard and go about it the right way. Of course the lesson wasn’t presented in as dry a way as you might be imaging. Being that Joel gets most of his comedy material from his life, these life lessons were met with laugher.

“I don’t really write jokes. I’m more of a storyteller,” Joel explained to his new fans.

And in his day at Lavelle Prep, he has another great story to tell.

I was enjoying a lovely Sunday drive a few weeks ago until I came upon the sight of 5 turkey-sized vultures mercilessly chewing up the carcass of a dead creature. A pretty grisly sight; these birds were tearing up this deceased thing like D.C. sports teams have been doing to my heart for the past 2 decades. Those evil birds. It made me wonder: what ever happened to 80s pop star Richard Marx?
Look, I didn’t wish any harm on the guy but who’s heard from him in 20 years? It didn’t seem like that much of a stretch to imagine him eroding on the side of a road in suburban Maryland. I mean, it’s not like I wished the guy were dead. He never did anything to anyone…well, except maybe for unleashing an arsenal of songs with such strong sexual undertones that they practically held down your ears and raped them when you heard them on the radio. Funny how some musicians just fade away into obscurity after a number of years. Like Ashanti….or that crazy whore Willa Ford. “I WANNA BE BAD!” No you don’t, you idiot. You wanna be relevant.
Fast-forward a few weeks later and not only do I find out that Mr. Marx is still walking this planet: I get an e-mail that excitedly states he’s coming to my place of work (a TV news station) for an in-depth interview and performance. The moment I opened the e-mail and read its contents I laughed so hard that one of my balls nearly jumped through my throat and launched out of my mouth like I was a cheap Nerf gun (that launched testicles). For a second, I even thought he might be clairvoyant and was so insulted that he was coming to my job to whip my monkey ass. What are the odds that some random singer pops into my head and then, a short time later, actually shows up in real life? The funny thing is, now that this happened I find myself remembering how much I liked some of his songs. I even left a 10-minute rendition of “Right Here Waiting” on my friend’s voicemail the other day. But these blast from the past reappearances aren’t just happening with borderline gay popstars, it’s happening with every day people too.

Remember that weird chick that gave you the creepy Valentine with the hand-drawn picture of a bride and groom on it back in elementary school? You know, you were one of the few kids that were actually nice to her while everyone else made fun of her for dressing strangely and eating her boogers. Well, she probably just Facebooked you. Here’s the kicker though: after you see the friend request, recognize the name, get grossed out and come close to pressing ignore, you look at the picture….and holy shit…she’s really really hot now. Not only that, but you also start to remember how sweet she actually was despite her propensity to reach down into her pants and scratch her butt-crack with her bare hand. It kind of makes you wonder why you were so hasty to judge her now on how she was so long ago.
Maybe there’s a lesson here. Don’t be surprised if people somehow reappear in your life. Sure, it might seem unwelcoming and random at first, but once you get past those feelings you might find something there; whether it’s corny songs you forgot about or a kid you might’ve thought would grow up to be a serial killer. You actually might enjoy the cameo. Or maybe there isn’t a lesson and I’m just an extremely disturbed, Richard-Marx loving retard. HOLD ON TO THE NIIIIIIIIIGHT. Yeah. Definitely just retarded.

Branballs is a contributor to The Comedy Point with SOUL Joel radio show and writer for FarRunningFatMan.com.

Check out this story in the Miami Herald.

“OLDSMAR, Fla. — Authorities say a Florida man who called 911 claiming he’d been beaten and shot at was hoping the tale would get him a ride to a bar.”

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation/AP/story/1402972.html

I can usually get my best material right from real life.

“He told the dispatcher he had a broken nose and bleeding ears, and claimed people were shooting at him.
Authorities say he was actually looking for a ride to another bar.”

And of course:

“37-year-old Gregory J. Oras is facing charges of misusing the 911 system and battery of a law enforcement officer.”

Why battery of a law enforcement officer?
Because when the cops refused to take this guy bar hopping “Oras kicked a Pinellas County sheriff’s deputy in the knees”.

Now I know you have many questions about this. I’m sure that someone can reasonably ask anything from:
Was this guy dropped on his head as a child?
To: how much can a taxi possibly cost in that town?

But my personal questions are:

a) Why doesn’t a guy this committed to partying have more friends to drive him around? I would think that he would be really popular with countless options for designated drivers.
b) Why isn’t the owner of the bar he wanted to go to willing to pick him up? Obviously anybody that gets that smashed is a potential goldmine of business for any bar. They should have spent the $3.00 on gas and went to get that cash cow! Assuming that he doesn’t start a brawl, blow the place up, step out on the bill or burn the bar down that would have been a smart business move for them. Even after he inevitably throws up in both the men’s and women’s bathrooms.

So that’s my view on it. The link to the article is right there. Take a look and give me your take (don’t worry it’s short – you can go back to raising your virtual ant farm on Facebook in no time).

Take it easy.

The Pound Per Week weigh-in is right around the corner.
And I’m sure there are those out there that think that we might resort to dirty tricks to make sure that Joel makes the weight. I’m here to say that we at The Comedy Point would never do anything underhanded to win this contest. We have nothing if not our integrity.

Here are some things that we can promise will not take place:
- We will not put Ephedrine in Joel’s cereal.
- We will not suspend Joel’s cell phone two feet from his reach while he’s on the treadmill.
- We will not schedule Joel a date with a divorced pilates instructor across town and then take his car keys so he has no choice but to run to her. (Actually, that’s a pretty good idea. We might do that one.)
- We will not feed Joel caffeine and nicotine.
- We will not feed Joel diuretics.
- We will not feed Joel caffeine, nicotine and diuretics.
- We will not make Joel walk around all week in a nylon suit. (With SOUL written across the front of course.)
- We will not make Joel wear ankle weights while on stage.
- We will not make Joel get a colonic.
- We will not try to squeeze out another pound or two by shaving Joel completely hairless.
- We will not lock him in a closet with nothing but cabbage soup and his laptop. (A man needs to be able to blog from anywhere.)

And of course,
- We will not kidnap Joel for the duration of Christmas dinner.

I hope this helps bolster everyone’s faith in the integrity of our contest.
What I can’t guarantee is what Joel might be wearing for the weigh-in.
Anything goes with that and I refuse to comment further.
My only advice is to turn your kids away from the webcast of the show while he’s getting weighed.

One last thing:

Please do your part to help.
We need everyone to be vigilant!
Keep your eyes open for Soul Joel at eateries in the area.
(Call us and we’ll pick him up right away.)
And, if you see anyone tinkering with the official scale come over and let me know what you thought of my blog.

Joel: Good luck and lay off the Panetone.

This week’s show had a relaxed vibe to go along with a lot of insight into the lives of our hosts. Comedian Matt Scarpelli fit right in and was able to avoid any real hazing from Joel and Rich. I thought John Szeluga’s story about his troubles with the local stripper was hysterical.

High five to Neal Bennington for a great call in the first hour. I hope he gets Kathy Griffin to come to New York for his cause. We thank him for his masterful blogging. You could definitely see that he worked hard to promote his appearance on the show.

Quote of the week:

“If everybody lived in an RV like I did, the world would be a better place.” – Rich Shultis

The velvet voice and the velour seats…

Rich Shultis talks about his past sleeping arrangements in response to a listener’s email this week.

MVP:

This show’s Most Valuable Player award goes to in-studio guest Matt Scarpelli for bringing up something that is terrifying to people of all ages, genders, races and sexual-orientations: Being harassed while trying to use a public restroom.

It takes courage to talk about having to defend oneself with feces-soaked toilet paper missiles, and we thank him for that courage.

Interesting things I learned from this week’s show:

- Joel’s dad was a rodeo rider

- Eric has seen The Wizard of Oz “over 20 times”

The Lady and The Lad:

I personally think that 7 out of 20 is a high number, even for such general questions.

Can’t wait till next week.